>I have not set foot in a grocery store in years. Nevermore will I bumble through endless confusing aisles like a pack-donkey searching for feed while the smell of rotting flesh fills my nostrils and fluorescent lights sear my eyeballs and sappy love songs torture my ears. Grocery shopping is a multisensory living nightmare.
First paragraph of my novel, what do you think? It's going to be about going to the mall.
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>First paragraph of my novel
Pain bloomed behind his eyes, and for the third time in as many days he vowed to give up drink. He drank.
I want to fill her pussy and ass with my cum
Thanks, I puked all over my desk reading this.
What kind of grocery store has rotten fish in it? Anyway I think you're trying way too hard.
what made you think that starting in a grocery store would be the best place to start?
Better than OP desu
Our hero needs sustenance for his quest. It's the only place it could start.
Didn't know Avril was that hot tbqhfam. She's comfychub.
Id like to read more of ur "novel" desu. It has this wierd imagery in the head that im not sure is horror or the experience of an neet autist or a combinition of the both. Made me tingle.
>alcoholism
Yawn, overdone
That's Stacie Jaxx, you mong.
Oh shut the fuck up, Christ its like I'm reading a reddit post
>porn actor looks identical to Avril Lavigne
>I'm supposed to know this
I think your porn career is more broad than mine.
David Foster Wallace already did it better
The story isn't about alcoholism, it's actually mainly pertaining to the idea that human sin and failing is the product of entirely external source and some individual's interaction with that source.
language is too florid for my taste
no one uses the word nevermore except poe and someone would immediately think of poe
bumble, endless, confusing, followed by metaphor, rotting Flesh Fills, FloreSCent lightS Sear, Sappy
you're writing prose, not a lame ass poem
no offense but i wouldn't read your book
In other words addiction, in this case alcoholism
Its just a mindless cliche at this stage, puts up the illusion you're writing something edgy when you couldn't be using safer territory
He drinks maybe three times in the manuscript after the opening. In fact I'm in an even safer cliche. Body horror.
judging from this excerpt, you're a bad writer. im guessing you're 18, or i hope for your sake you are
I like it. It may be fine as it is, but one potential suggestion:
Nevermore will I bumble through endless confusing aisles like a pack-donkey searching for feed while the smell of rotting flesh fills my nostrils (instead of>) and (
Nevermore will I bumble through endless confusing aisles like a pack-donkey searching for feed while the smell of rotting flesh fills my nostrils, fluorescent lights sear my eyeballs, sappy love songs torture my ears.
Nevermore will I bumble through endless confusing aisles like a pack-donkey searching for feed, while the smell of rotting flesh fills my nostrils, fluorescent lights sear my eyeballs and sappy love songs torture my ears.
Nevermore will I bumble through endless confusing aisles like a pack-donkey searching for feed while the smell of rotting flesh fills my nostrils, fluorescent lights sear my eyes, sappy love songs (torture) my ears.
Nevermore will I bumble through endless confusing aisles like a pack-donkey searching for feed while the smell of rotting flesh fills my nostrils, fluorescent lights sear my eyeballs, and sappy love songs torture my ears.
(I like the next sentence too, about drinking)
Its the future you know, I use an app to pay someone to shop for my food, its frickin great dude.
THICCCCCCC
>bumping a thread for an extremely low quality post
do you not understand how to sage?
trying too hard to make the grocery store into what it is not. BUT HEY DON'T GIVE UP! srs keep going. try to cut out the edge tho
Holy...
fuck off Pelagius
Struggled to read past the 'rotting flesh' use, it triggered me hard. You don't know what rotting flesh smells like if you think that any western mall/shopping centre smells anything like it. Describing it as that smacks of "Twisted fucking psychopath" syndrome and I want you to change it immediately. Malls smell of the inside of fridges(or whatever Americans refer to them as), they smell of cheap musk hoping to be inoffensive, they smell of diluted bleach. They do not smell like rotting flesh.
It reads like the wasp factory
>Nevermore will I bumble through endless confusing aisles like a pack-donkey searching for feed while the smell of rotting flesh fills my nostrils.
>complains language is too florid
>uses the word florid in his criticism
First paragraph of novel thread:?
Crimson. It is passion, its lavish hue tinted with hedonism and lust. It is royalty and power, its rich vibrancy trailing the cloaks of kings and emperors. It is violence, its sanguine shade dripping with the viscous redolence of blood. It was his color. The color of a beating heart. Blm plm. Blm plm. Blm plm. The monotonous thumping of the straining muscle, its tireless contractions propelling blood through its owners feeble frame. He watched as the corpulent organ pulsed and strained, its fleshy propulsions in time with his own. Nestled comfortably underneath the stark white of the exposed ribcage, the heart pulsed on in its never-ending consignment in a pool of red blood. He reveled as the pool vibrated with each passing throb, sending ripples out across its surface. He glanced up from the chest to the face of the man to whom it belonged. He lay there completely unconscious, sedated with full-body anesthetic that rendered him devoid of awareness and will. The hint of a smile graced his masked face as he thought about his complete helplessness, the fact that the entire life of this man – his dreams, hopes, future, and memories – all lay in his hands, at that very moment. It was power. It was responsibility. He had work to do.
I figured this is a post apoc type setting. He says he hasn't stopped inside a mall in years so this must be a shtf type situation
I like this. I love how it captures the narcissism of serial killers and how they kill for a sense of control. It also captures the rambling and grandiose style they're find of
>Only one enemy remained; two if you counted God.
First sentence of my upcoming novel. Thoughts?
Thanks, here's my "lore". I wrote this for a creative writing class a couple years ago and then later realized I completely ripped off Twilight's "Dr. Carlisle Cullen", a vampiric doctor, which was where I was going with this. Might pick it back up again and change it properly, I don't know. Applying to law school right this instant actually, otherwise I'd put some work into it right away.
Since the exiled Angels, the Nephilim, were cast out of Eden for defying the Creator, they had evolved. They crashed on the Earth’s atrophied crust, their divinity and souls ripped through their broken bodies. They looked back on the heavens with disdain, and forged their own domain amongst the despised race of Men. His Creations. In His perfect image. They were degenerates, brutal and uncivilized creatures who draped themselves in spare garb and lived under the command of primitive societies. They were nothing to the Nephilim, but everything they hated. They despised Him even more as they began to look more like the humans. Their towering enormity was diminished, rendering them the size of average humans. As their golden skin faded to an unblemished white, their torn wings rotted and festered. Their holiness was replaced by a cruel damnation, forced to exist amongst the inferior race they had once tried to destroy. Their distance from the Creator, the wellspring from which they drew their sustenance was gone. Many starved. If their vigor could not be drawn from the Creator, they realized they could draw it from His Creations. Thus began the bloody crusade of the Nephilim, the Ravaged Angels. You call them vampires.
Is it odd to have a chub because of her nose?
this book has been written before and more subtly
hint: it's one of the meme trilogy
no one goes to the mall anymore. unless your target reader is 12
your opening line is a superb example of not only being concise, but providing an awesome hook. A great opening line causes the reader to want to more. Great concept, with great contrast, and I would love to read more.
Great prose also has great flow-great rhythm. Again, yours is a perfect example. The cadence is so perfect. Sounds great and feels great.
My friends and clients know me as often being over critical. On the other hand, when I see greatness, I am equally blunt. Your opening line is nothing less than superb.
>this is what Veeky Forums thinks is a "paragraph"
Here's the rest of it:
robrhinehart.com
You all have been comprehensively out-hipstered.
robrhinehart.com
>For a moment I consider following Clinton’s advice: “if it’s yellow let it mellow”, but decide to go full Bukowski instead: “sometimes you just have to piss in the sink”. Could we engineer more efficient kidneys?
>Feces are almost entirely deceased gut bacteria and water. I massacred my gut bacteria the day before by consuming a DIY Soylent version with no fiber and taking 500mg of Rifaximin, an antibiotic with poor bioavailability, meaning it stays in your gut and kills bacteria. Soylent’s microbiome consultant advised that this is a terrible idea so I do not recommend it. However, it worked. Throughout the challenge I did not defecate.
>My standard outfit is mostly cotton, which takes 20,000L of water per kg so I had to improvise. I did some research and settled on Nomex, a meta-aramid invented by DuPont in the 1960’s. Nomex is a fantastic material used in applications as diverse as circuit boards, loudspeakers, and clothing. Made via condensation from m-phenylenediamine and isophthaloyl chloride, its production uses no water. I found a Nomex flight suit on Alibaba and added a “Soylent” patch. I love it. It’s cheap, simple, comfortable, and fireproof, just in case. I also did no laundry of course, which would have used 170L.
Gee I never would have guessed the creator of soylent is insane.
Didn't they also just have to do a big recall because they released a new product that made people either violently shit themselves or violently puke?
Can someone explain, I'm feeling too lazy to properly dig. Who is this?
r8 me m80s
>the youth fell to his knees
>his palms tearing at his hair
>teeth grinding, eyes squeezed
>but all in vain,
>the visions ceased for noone
>beneath him was lithe figure
>a delicate, feminime form
>struggling between his thighs
>writhing under the weight
>of the boy's young body
>he could not feel his grip
>but he saw the whites of his knuckles
>they rested between her chin and chest
>a girl whose face he could not see
>he leaned forth,
>he yearned to know
>yelped, writhing in pain
>baring teeth and spittle
>her lips soft and pink
>her skin too pale to be distressed
>she could not be in pain
>he was not capable of that
>It's going to be about going to the mall.
What the fuck lol
In the US most chain grocery stores have a seafood section usually tucked into a corner of the building next to the deli counter, no matter how far from the ocean said grocery store is. In places like here in the Midwest, this results in weeks old fish sweltering away in barely sufficient refrigeration, the smell of course, puts most people off from buying it, in turn, leading to more rotten fish. The omnipresent live lobster tank is a particularly odious culprit, which is probably why they are mostly seen empty.