Dear Veeky Forums

This is what I'm gearing up for. If time is simply the ratio between void and thermodynamics, may as well make it a FRICTIONLESS EVENT.

>Get married
>Realize after a few years even being around your wife puts you in a bad mood
>Given the choices between suicide, divorce courts and staying in the marriage you'll end up making sure you kill yourself
It works.

2/3

Auto erotic asphyxiation.

Gas asphyxiation. If you inflate a plastic bag with a gas that isn't oxygen (which would defeat the point) or carbon dioxide (which your body can detect to a degree while breathing, causing intense discomfort), fully exhale, and breathe the gas inside the bag, you won't feel anything different physically but will pass out from hypoxia and die by starving your brain of oxygen. Helium, Nitrogen, Methane, or Propane would all work relatively well for that, although given that the latter two are tainted with sulfur to make leak detection easier (and prevent this exact scenario among others), the first two would be most effective.

That being said, I'm assuming this post is in the spirit of curiosity and strongly encourage you not to do this because if you fuck this up and survive, you'll be somewhere between moderately mentally retarded and full vegetable.

>Buy a helium tank
>Buy a tracheotomy mask
>Hook up the the tracheotomy mask's tube to the helium tank
>You will need to do a bit of tinkering here, but yeah
>Turn on the helium tank
>Die a painless, happy death

keep only if you get 1

If you mean safe as in surefire with no chance of survival and horrible disfigurement, chug a liter of bleach, starve yourself, or grab a shotgun with a wide blast radius and put it directly against your temple and pull the trigger

If you mean safe as in painless, get a bunch of sleeping pills and make yourself a nice large final meal with all the fixins. Top it off with a homemade milkshake and piece of cake that has like 10 sleeping pills each in them.

But in all seriousness, don't do it OP. Talk it out with a counselor and tell someone why you're feeling this way.

This is the correct line of thinking op.

I personally think the best method is co poisoning. You need:
-Ready-made bbq pack
-Airtight (enough) room
-water bath
Dump the red hot embers into the water bath in the airtight room. The room quickly fills with CO and you drift off for eternity. The paramedics have NO chance at reviving you. Brain death at approx 10 mins.

SIGNS everywhere about what you did. Anybody else that walks into that room is fucked unless they are a firefighter breathing air from a tank.

Keep in mind there is no heaven, this life is as good as it gets, don't waste it fagget.

Not this user, but this oneOP, you could also try to buy opiate research chemicals on the clearnet. I think overdosing on opiates might be the best way to die.

You stupid faggot most helium tanks come with o2 in them nowadays.

I would agree with the opiates, that's the nicest way to go but not as effective as:

>0

Also, why is everyone getting so fucking creative with their suicides? Strap an explosive to your skull. In the example provided 'safest' would mean 'with the least amount of suffering' which you can infer as 'fastest'.

Ride a nuclear warhead dropped from a B-52.

Damn, you're right user. That is actually the best suicide method.
> simple
> painless
If OP goes through with this, then he probably wants some sort of sleep aid as well before he attempts this. I think using opiate at a recreational dose while using the method you proposed might be the best way to suicide.

drive somewhere remote so you won't get found. you don't want to survive this method (brain damage)

you put lit charcoal in a grill on the floor in the back seat of your car then drink some liquor and watch memes on your phone while the car fills with CO

really popular in asia and apparently painless

Mix 30 benzos with cough syrup and then shoot yourself.

OP here, thanks a lot it worked

op's a pussy. (sorry but you are). go get some counseling and quit wasting your life. also, im gonna take a wild guess that the decision making "cutoff" would be 0.51, though im not sure whether or not the fact that both players being ratoinal is significant of perhaps a clue of some kind. if i was a player and got a number less than 0.5 then yeah id gamble for a higher number. non-brainlets feel free to chime in on this one.

Given probability in the reals, all numbers are equally likely to be the higher number, given you're dealing with an uncountable set. The joke is that it's actually impossible to ever get a rational number in such a set-up, even given infinite re-rolls, since the rationals are a countable set. "Assume both players are rational" is just an allusion to that, like a wink to establish that it's a gag. So it's a multi-layered joke, one being the irony of being able to re-roll a random number between zero and one, and one dealing with probability in uncountably infinite sets. It just does the decent of nodding to the player that it's a ruse.

ps im killing myself because i have brain worms

I've thought about this a lot. I think I'd buy fentanyl on the darknet and then overdose along with a significant amount of whiskey. Upsides to this method are if something goes wrong you'll likely not have significant brain damage when you wake up. I mean I guess it's possible if you stop breathing for 8 mins or whatever then somehow start breathing again but I'd say it's less likely then fucking up gas or surviving a gunshot or jump.

You probably shouldn't do it though unless you're older than 30. Life can change for the better and if you're under 30 you're probably lacking real perspective. You need more life experience to really decide it's not for you.

Crash a commercial airliner into the world trade center

0

>Keep in mind there is no heaven
None of the religions allows sucides into heaven anyway. Otherwise everyone who actually believes would instantly kill themselves.

but what's the answer if it's instead a pseudo-random generated on a computer between 0 and 1?

import random

class Player():
def __init__(self, cutoff):
self.cutoff = cutoff

def rollDice(self):
d = random.random()
if d < self.cutoff:
d = random.random()

return d

a = Player(0.5)
b = Player(0.6)

n = 1000000

while True:
numAWins = 0
for i in xrange(n):
aRoll = a.rollDice()
bRoll = b.rollDice()
if aRoll > bRoll:
numAWins = numAWins + 1

numBWins = n - numAWins
print 'a:', a.cutoff, 'b:', b.cutoff, 'a wins: ', numAWins, ', b wins:', numBWins

if numAWins > numBWins:
if random.random() < .5:
b = Player(a.cutoff + (abs(a.cutoff - b.cutoff) / random.randint(1, 3)))
else:
b = Player(a.cutoff - (abs(a.cutoff - b.cutoff) / random.randint(1, 3)))
else:
if random.random() < .5:
a = Player(b.cutoff + (abs(a.cutoff - b.cutoff) / random.randint(1, 3)))
else:
a = Player(b.cutoff - (abs(a.cutoff - b.cutoff) / random.randint(1, 3)))

i'm getting around .595 as a consistent answer... my code might be buggy tho

nicer version of code attached.

and yeah - answer is around 60%

don't know why though..