Writing Tips

>gold
cold

This is a common misconception among young writers. You don't need to be afraid of repetitions, especially not of common words - it can get annoying if you constantly repeat 'dichotomy' or 'ethereal'.

Basically, you always want to go with the easiest way to say what you wanna say. So there's no problem with using a lot of subject pronouns. It's much worse to use periphrastic/euphemistic alternatives like 'this young lady'.

As a rule of thumb, only deviate from the simple form if your variation is meaningful and/or beautiful.

>She opened the cupboard
>Before she knew it the pistol was in her hand
>She turned, simultaneously raising the gun without a hint of indecision
>Her only remaining enemy was god himself

A daring synthesis

Lets keep going user.

>Tiffany opened the cupboard. She grapped the pistol and turned around, raising it.

Now this cuts down the "shes" but it still feels kinda lifeless. So put in some more description that makes sense in the context. Writing is about conveying a message; creative writing is about conveying a creative message.

Think back to the last book you read. I guarantee they have lines that are just "They did this" or literally word for word: "John said". These are filler moments that you instinctively consume and move on while reading.

Moreover this is an action scene, in action scenes for most writers they try to keep writing simple and consistence in order to allow the tempo and movement of the excitement.

So lets change just a little more:

> Scrambling to her feet, Tiffany opened the cupboard. Finding the pistol inside she took it and turned about. She rose it both hands on hilt, she entire body was heaving with fear as she stuck it out in-front of her.

No. You're just making it heavier. What the fuck is the point of "finding the pistol inside"?

you've got the girl, Martha, and her. Mix and match as needed

I my version of the writing que. I am creating a situation where "Tiffany" is unaware of the situation of area. However she does have limited knowledge that there is a pistol in there somewhere. Adding the "Finding" element helps to define that she is unprepared for this situation in this environment.

As Mary was preparing her organic cookie mix, she opened the cupboard. "Oh, my!" She exclaimed. She had found exactly what she needed. "Seven Mac-11's!" She turned around and placed one of them in her batter and put the rest in the trash. "These go bad so quickly, god damn it Costco."

Maybe you should stop writing everything as a greentext. Also you need to consider what perspective you're writing from. Changing perspective from third to first would negate the repetition of "she" or character name.

Just when you think that writing good is hard, telling a good story is even harder. Carrying characters through situations and many interactions is something you probably have to do for years to nail it. It takes certain kind of integrity that I sometimes feel I'm lacking. You really need to grow into it and as a person.

this is why I write all my shit as poetry
its loose but it preserves the meaning

agreeing with if anything (especially in the example you gave), the repetition would work to increase the tension of the scene in the same way that repeated notes/phrases in music create tension

Put it all under one breath
>The sound of footsteps grew louder. She rushed to open the cupboard, grabbed the pistol, and spun around, clutching the weapon in her trembling hands
Or get descriptive
>Defty, she opened the cupboard, and let out a gasp. It was magnificent and powerful. Susie's thighs flashed with moist redness as her hand slid around Desert Eagle's thick, chrome-covered grip.

She opened the cupboard, feeling around for the Smith and Wesson. Plate. Plate. Bowl. Heart beating. Her hand touched metal and in the next moment she whipped around, raising the pistol level with her eye.

>Fuck me comrade how do I stop this shit?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being terse. Why is purple prose more preferred? Cramming every line full of dozens of obscure adjectives doesn't make anybody a good writer. it's just cruft.

But as far as terse prose is concerned, the only thing I would recommend is directing more specific actions to provide the reader with a clear image or context.
>she opened the cupboard (was this action occurring with any degree of intensity or emotion?)
>she grabbed the pistol (again, is there any degree of intensity or emotion involved in how she grabbed the gun?)
>she turned around (facing whom / what?)
>she raised the gun (at whom / what?)

e.g.
>with a nervous gesture, she opened the cupboard, wary that her husband was already suspicious of her plan
>her hands were shaking; she carefully and firmly grasped a loaded pistol that was hidden behind a box of grains
>feigning a sense of composure, she casually turned and faced her husband as if nothing were out of place
>she steadily raised the pistol toward his chest and fired a single shot

If this simple, short, declarative, 3-5 word, pronoun--verb--[determiner]--object type of sentence is too present in your writing and is really the only way you can write action, then you need to stop writing, because you suck.

If it just happens every once in a while, then you've no problem, but if it nags at you when you're reading it back, then it'll likely nag at the type of reader you want to reach.

The solution is to vary sentence length and structure and to stop partitioning action, description, dialogue, stream-of-consciousness, and ideation. Multiple things can happen in a single sentence, and I'm not just referring to action here. A simple movement, a short adjective, a particularly descriptive verb, these can all tell you things about characters, about the voice, about the story, even about you.

Let's start by combining the verb phrases of the fist to sentences into a single sentence so that instead of reading "She opened the cupboard. She grabbed the pistol. . . ." we hear, "She opened the cupboard and grabbed the pistol." Now the two actions become a single deft movement. A sense of urgency is attached to the action. Before, I imagined your "she" opening the cupboard in one movement, returning to a neutral stance, and then, after a moment's hesitation, reaching into the cupboard, which was awkward and clunky.

Now the paragraph: "She opened the cupboard. She grabbed the pistol. She turned around. She raised the gun," reads, "She opened the cupboard and grabbed the pistol. She turned around. She raised the gun." Already, it's miles better.

Now let's focus on the surroundings of this character. Why is she turning around? Who is she pointing the gun at? Is it an attacker? Is she the villain? Is she nuts? Right now, your character has no motivation. We can leave some mystery in, but there should be some internalized objective independent of her actions driving those actions themselves. Cause and effect and all that. Instead of contenting ourselves with "She turned around," let's add in some motivation for this motion: "The little hairs on the back of her neck standing up, she turned around." Okay, well that's a little bit cliché, but it's hard to avoid when we're being so general. Let's add some specifics: "As cold, stale, male breath condensed behind her ear, she turned around." Much better! There's still a sense of mystery and suspense that I think you were aiming for with the original, but giving a glimpse of terror (or maybe comedy!) only adds to that heightened anticipation.

Now we have a far better paragraph that actually flows. "She opened the cupboard. She grabbed the pistol. She turned around. She raised the gun," is now this, "She opened the cupboard and grabbed the pistol. As cold, stale, male breath condensed behind her ear, she turned around. She raised the gun." We're well on our way to a respectable short paragraph. There are still some problems in this scene though.

(1/2)

(2/2)

"She" here doesn't really function as a character. "She" is an object performing an action in your scene. You may as well be writing about a robot. There's no personality, no traits. I can feel what she feels, but I don't know how to feel about it. So let's give "She" some life. This can be accomplished by tacking on a gerund verb or adverb to the end of the last sentence.

If we wanted to add to the sense of tension or horror: "She raised the gun, trembling."

If we wanted to turn her into a heroine: "She raised the gun defiantly."

Or we can give the whole scene a comedic resolution: "She raised the gun playfully."

So we have this:

"She opened the cupboard and grabbed the pistol. As cold, stale, male breath condensed behind her ear, she turned around. She raised the gun playfully."

Now the prose flows well into itself. We receive information beyond simple stage-directions. We can visualize these motions. We can identify with the character. The scene as a whole has a dramatic, comedic arc (which can be resolved entirely differently with the change of a single word). And we want to know what happens next. Does the gun fire? Does she make a witty one-liner? Find out in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z.

She opened the drawer; reached in: pistol in hand now.

A cupboard: open. Pistol GET.

Holy shit that's good.

Thank you for really breaking it down. That's awesome!

Thank you for taking the time to respond. That's really good advice.

If she knew this moment would come, she'd never put it there, but as the squeeky cupboard opened and her shaky hands found the metal amongst the bowls, with her finger on a trigger she turned around not a moment too soon, eyeing the front sight of the heavy weapon.

>She opened the cupboard and pulled from it a gun, before I could react she'd turned and had it pointed at me.

Not great but it's better. Just remember that you are telling a story. How would you tell it in person?

"she retrieved the pistol from the cupboard and turned it on him"
You don't need so many words user.

This is also good if you want more description and emotion. There are countless ways to write this scene depending on what you want to emphasize. Just don't use too many sentences and words.

>It was magnificent and powerful. Susie's thighs flashed with moist redness as her hand slid around Desert Eagle's thick
This isn't /k/. We don't jack off to the thought of licking the barrel of a shotgun, its cold steel intoxicating us with the taste of rust and gunpowder. It is not in our culture to rub our balls as we embrace the gun close to our chest, heating it up with our excitement. No, we are Veeky Forums and we love books. I can't imagine anyone of us maddeningly stroking our dicks as we finally let loose our hot searing cum over the wooden stock.

Go back to your containment board

She opened the cupboard and pulled from it a gun. Two remained; three if you counted God. She turned, trembled and raised the gun playfully.

>Two remained; three if you counted God. She turned, trembled and raised the gun playfully.
Oh, come on man. Don't do this.

How do you play to write anything if simple descriptive writing shuts you down? Just write whatever seems okay at the moment
>She opened a cupboard, took the fucking gun, and moved on with her life
First draft is always shit. In any case you will rewrite it in the future, so just get it over with and continue

She scrabbled at the cupboard door with her left hand, grip betraying her nervousness, her face flushed and her eyes scanning the room. She touched the gun, took a measured breath, and drew it. Her hands were steady.

In the background, the cupboard door swung slowly shut.

>She found the pistol in the cupboard.

Why do you need to write about meainingless acts of opening and grabbing things?

Diane jolted awake, blinking away at the darkness, heart leaping in her chest as she listened.

Nothing for a moment...then a dry squeal of splintering wood from downstairs. Somebody forcing a window. Her eyes widened.

Kicking free of a tangle of sheets and blankets, Diane yanked open the drawer of her nightstand with a bang and reached inside.

Found the cool grip of the pistol. Clutched it gratefully.

Footsteps from downstairs. Calm and unhurried.

She turned and flicked the safety off. Aimed it at the door.

This really depends on the tone you want to strike. Here's two tries at a similar scene, both of which are radically different in tone.

The cupboard door slammed on its hinges. For a moment the intruder smirked, knowing that he could easily power through any plates or cups the little woman could throw at him. Perhaps he'd catch one and throw it back at her, as punishment for her resistance, although another part of him wanted to cut the bullshit and get to the real fun.

His decision was cut short by two lead slugs ripping through his ribcage, exiting his body, and breaking the window behind him. He barely had time to recognize the noise before he was dead on the floor.

The woman took a shaky breath. The one missed shot was embarrassing, especially at such a close range, but it wasn't like the man was around to mock her for it.

>---

Linda suppressed a scream and turned around, and then somehow the cupboard door was open, and she was reaching inside and feeling cold metal instead of the usual porcelain. She grasped the revolver, Tony's paranoia in metal and wood, and turned around. Shaking, she pointed it like the instructor said and squeezed the trigger.

Now she didn't even feel the pain in her wrist, didn't register the sound ringing in her ears. Her entire world was the intruder, and the rapidly blooming patch of red in his stomach. He sank to his knees and opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a sputter of blood, onto her floor.

The man collapsed. Linda screamed. The man was dead. She'd killed him.

Tiffany ran like hell from her dad so angry you'd think he was hell bent on killing her there and then. Donald lifted up an art deco chair in the air and out of sheer anger tried to throw it at Tiffany, potentially fatal situation she managed to successfully dodge.
"Stop it! Dad! I said I'm sorry!", she pleaded. But Donald was relentless just like he was during his campaign, she thought. This can only go one way, she was either going to end up being smashed into pieces like the chair he threw against the wall or she was going to kill Mr. President of the United States in her own defense.
He hid it in the cupboard, she remembered. It was months ago, Donald probably forgot about it altogether. Running from her own dad in panic, her hands trembled as they looked for heavy metal object in the crowded cupboard filled with antique vases. He yelled and he was after her, closed door wouldn't stop him. Just as her hands grabbed the pistol, he barged in like a maniac, his eyes meeting the barrel of a gun.
"Honey, put the gun down - now!", he commanded. Perhaps she was going to put it down, perhaps she wanted to talk it out, but when the loud shot was fired, it was too late to think about any of that.

It's ok to repeat simple words like that because they are simple and needed for a lot of sentences. If you want to avoid repeating it too many times in a paragraph though, then use writing tricks like combining two sentences into one.

>She opened the cupboard then grabbed the pistol

Or placing the 'she' in a different spot of the sentence.

>She grabbed the pistol and turned around. Then she raised the gun.

Or, alternatively, if the 'she' isn't needed, then don't use it. Just like how you use (") until one character in particular is done talking, you can do the same thing with names and shes.

With what you are currently trying to describe you kind of need the she's, but you could replace one or two of them with her name, and then vice versa. When I have to do a few paragraphs (or a page) describing what one character is doing, I try hard to break up each paragraph with different ways to say 'him'. I use 'he, him, user, Then proceeding to do this, etc. As long as one single word isn't repeated over and over in a single chunk of writing, you're good. You still need to describe what they are doing though, and he/she is just as important as did/talked/walked/opened/and/it/but. We only have so many words in the english dictionary to use, and unless you want you're audience constantly stopping to look up a word in the dictionary, then don't worry about it too much.

She grabbed the pistol from the cupboard, turning around swiftly (or any other adverb) and raising it.

Replace "and" with "then"

I'm just gonna reply to this instead of the other people doing what you asked. You guys all sucks at writing

...

Tiffany retrieved the gun from its cupboard and raised it to him.

I almost choked on my carrot cake reading this. Thanks, mate.

good writing parallels often (not always) with the notion that context need not be spoonfed.

adverbs are death. do not do this

this is embarrassing. do not give writing advice please

Please tell me how you would write it then. Everyone's feedback is very helpful.

i'm not sure anyone can give you something 100% satisfying. whoever has given something that resonates the most with you informs your writing the most. i'd say that single lines of prose are easy to get caught up on when you're not in the flow of writing. you alone understand the context you wish to write in. it then follows that there are appropriate ways of writing to fulfill that effort. the character themselves inform their actions, and all of these factors contribute to a feeling of "authenticity" in writing. it doesn't really matter if it feels authentic to anyone else, but it matters if it feels authentic to you.

still though, don't use goddamn adverbs.

Tiffany placed her toe against the lazy susan and shoved hard, almost making a full trip. There it was, down below. As promised, she took two sets of forceps and gently latched on to it, making sure not to scratch the Nerf detailing on the side. Her mouth suddenly felt abnormally dry as she rotated it clockwise. Just enough. After searching the top of the trophy case she found the correct switch. Low machine humming echoed throughout the dojo as the pedestal holding the gun was lifted to the highest shelf. Soft music began to swell around her. She stood back and took it in for a long time.

Don't stop believin'

She was so enthralled that she didn't notice he had already come out of the bathroom a while ago.

Hold on to that feeeeelin'

He watched her. There was no smile this time.

Streetlight, people

Kenshin stepped forward and gave a small cough.

Ohh-ohh-ohhhhhhh

she spun abruptly on her heels to face behind her

Don't stop

Do I let the story flow or do I build a framework and write within that? The first seems to lead me down some really cliché roads

L-lewd

You outline the story you want to tell then write in the meaty bits.

Am I the only one who can't do outlines? I can't break a story down like that. I know people talk about outlines like they're a must have, but honestly I can't write like that. I get an idea and bam off I go.

In the moments it took for Cockmouth to lift his bleeding head to meet her waist, Cunthole had fumbled through her cupboard, grabbed the revolver, and brought it to aim.

Tifanny flung the drawer apart and grabbed the gun amid a shower of laundry. She trembled by the open window as he paced steadily towards. She could feel the cold air mince with her naked back and, aiming down the black luger barrel, she took a last sad sketch of his face. He was smiling, and Tiffany hated that. He had the lost grin of an ape and as he got close enough to almost bite, that smile widened insane at a pair of pink panties hung from the pistol end.

"You think I care about blowing my fucking undies apart?" screamed Tiffany, squeezing the trigger shaky and fast. There was no sound - just the reverb of an empty click which signaled like a switch the death of every warm thing inside her.

"Honeyboo - the safety's on."

-------------------------

Now this is by no means "good", but there's a couple of thing's that you could learn from it. I'm manipulating the scene for dramatic purposes, by having her trapped, naked and cold, while contrasting that with the calm approach of the man. Further, I'm trying to avoid repeating sentence structure and keep a rough cadence to things, and using a small amount of similes for descriptive versatility. Really, it's just about learning these sorts of techniques authors use and incorporating them in a natural fashion.

Marie scrambled through the cupboard, frantically digging for Father's loaded piece among the heap of religious texts and odd utensils. She found his gun at the bottom of the pile, wedged between two rather large Bibles. She snatched it and turned quickly towards the open doorway of the bedroom, barrel raised and hammer cocked, holding no semblance of trigger discipline and lacking concern should any living thing be in her weapon's path. She began scanning the darkness intensely for any approaching shadow, poised to end a life the moment a figure should appear within the blackness of the void.

/thread

Needs more style and brevity.

Through black bibles and rosaries, Marie dug for Father's loaded piece. The pistol was cold in her hands and it felt like the kind of death that wakes you from a dream. Sweat trembled along the metallic grip while she studied the shaking sights: along the unlit corridor was the imprint of an open door, and between, were a thousand shadowmen impatient with knocking.

This is fucking awesome.

Not to knock the first guy but I really see what you mean by style. The first is how I imagine I'd write it. The second reads like something from a published book.

I like how you say everything I wanted, but you say it without saying it. You don't say she grabbed the pistol, you say what the pistol felt like in her hands, implying she is holding it. You don't say she turned around and aimed it, you say she's looking down the sights. That's fucking brilliant dude/dudette.

Thanks for the tips

I definitely see what you mean about brevity. Less shit like "Subject verbs direct-object, subjunctive-verbing the indirect-object adverbly"

I think I have a tendency to write like that, probably a little worse in that post because I had the same subject for every sentence following what OP did, instead of making the gun the subject after she grabs it, like you did in your second sentence. changing the subject conveys the same information but definitely has a better style and flow to it

wow

>this is embarrassing. do not give writing advice please

I fucking despice stuck up snobs like you.

Fucking Christ has this board gone to shit.

Is this the right usage of the semicolon?

Barely going through the great metropolis of London; the culture, language barrier at first seem too much to handle for someone so retarded.

pls hlep

>pace
>deafening
Does that mean when I go fast like sanic nobody can hear me?

No

thx
got any tips?

your eardrums will explode, ultimately deafening you.

Going present tense sometimes helps
You need to segment a scene like that less - you have four statements when read back to back segment the series of actions robotically, this entire segment should read as one fluid sentence because it's fast-paced and tense

Sometimes it helps to omit things:

The cupboard opened. With a clatter of metal, glass and ceramic, she turned. In her hands now was a gun.

That reads a little slow, but basically all I'm saying is...you don't need the last and the second segment. The reader and extrapolate the cupboard was opened by her from a description like that. Raising the gun is also irrelevant, it's rare for anyone other than smart, dispassionate gun owners to withdraw guns from their hiding places and...aim them to the ground.

I call it 'negative space' in writing. People can fill in the blanks if you give them enough to work with. You don't need to describe every detail, every action, every motive, every idea. Good writing usually leaves a lot of that open to interpretation while still providing enough concreteness to frame something on.

mate he's not wrong, sorry

Clarice flung open the wardrobe and reached inside, hand brushing past scratchy wool and pliant silk before closing around the cold, reassuring ridges of the grip of her Mateba. She whipped it past herself and raised it against the door at eye level, her arm steady despite its weight.

Yea, basically "less is more"
It's the same avenue as "show don't tell"

Obviously it depends what you're writing, but this is good advice. Especially when just describing actions and events

I would replace "whipped around," but otherwise that's actually great.

Melania's day couldn't get any worse when Donald found out about her ANOTHER affair. He barged in the top suite of his Manhattan fortress, kicking and punching the furniture on his way in. "I hate art deco!", he said as he ruined small art deco sofa Melania bought on the auction in Paris.
"Donald! Please calm down. I want say things!", she tried to reason, but not a second after Donald threw silver candelabre at her, almost fatally wounding her. She made a run for her life towards the stairs and up to the upper level where she knew he kept his guns. "You know what I do if you don't stop now!", she threatened.
He was provoked into outburst of anger and was after her. "Melania! Get down - now. I don't have time for this. Look, I'll tell you what - you come down, we're gonna talk this out, is this fair, do you think that's fair, I think that's fair!"
"No, Donald!", she responded. "Don't come any closer!"
She managed to find a cupboard he kept some of his guns in and she felt powerful holding a rather heavy Smith & Wesson in her hand, trying to figure out how to unlock it. When she accidentally fired a shot, hitting a wall, Donald's anger increased.
"Are you kidding me?? You gotta be kidding me! Get down and drop that gun or I'm gonna make you drop it!"

She did not shake as she opened the cupboard and produced a pistol. Jeremiah's glazed eyes bugged out as she turned to him and leveled it at his nose.

The noises had ceased, and a thick, musky silence replaced them. They might be in the house, or they might have moved to a different entry point. Time was short either way. Her abdomen was cramping with the effort of suppressing her ragged, desperate sobs as she opened the cupboard. John had told her - in his confident way, in the way that made her think she was safe - he put the revolver there if she ever needed it. "If a bear ever gets after the dogs or something." he had said. This was something. She hefted the unfamiliar weight of the weapon and turned to face the kitchen entrance, raising it to eye level. Through her panic, she saw an image of herself. As helpless as a child holding the same gun, trying to do what the action stars did in spy films.

Two approaches I thought of.

The woman retrieved the 8mm gun from the cabinet and performed a rotation of her body. The intruder's heart stopped as he spotted the 8mm gun, given that a bullet was lodged in it.

Good god, this is SO good. Thanks

>Plate. Plate. Bowl.
this is presumably a life-threatening situation
>OH SHIT, WAS THAT THE GRAVY BOAT?!?!

The man spun madly - like some sort of demonic sprinkler - from the force of the crimsom life essence jetting from the gaping hole in his chest. Finally, after what seemed like ages but must have been only moments, he collapsed to the linoleum floor in a heap of blood.
She winced, rotating her cuffs like a pepper grinder. Her tender, feminine wrists were sore from the recoil.

If this is your only way of writing, force yourself to write in a completely different way for a period of time. You'll eventually incorporate it into your natural style and be able to use it when appropriate.

She wrapped her fingers around the pistol-butt, turned epically, and fired a bullet at and through the skull of the enemy. The shockwave of the propulsion of the bullet trembled through her bones just like her face trembled in sadness.

"she" is absolutely fine. it's so much more preferable to cringey epiphets that are basically the hallmark of bad writing. "the brunette", "the green eyed beauty" etc

holy... I want more...

The maiden smiles. One eyelid flickers
She whips a pistol from her knickers

In a tizzy, Charli swung open the cupboard. Inside she found exactly what she was looking for: her grandfather's Colt revolver. She grabbed the weapon and spun around, pointing it at her target. Of course, she had no idea if it was loaded or not, but she was about to find out.

>infinitely better
really?

She shut the cupboard with a giggle. "Look at this," she said, turning around. "It's a gun!"

One gun raised; Two If you counted hands.

>Heart beating

Well I'd like to think so

Why does she keep a heart in the cupboard and how is it still beating?