REAL CRITIQUE THREAD
If you don't rate another anons and post your own shitty writing, you won't get a rate or any sort of constructive criticism.
REAL CRITIQUE THREAD
Hunter Bennett
Evan Lee
Then I'll go first
Title: To The Amateur Guitarist
Two birds were speaking colloquially
Saying squall-words in tweeting tones
Positing oraculars upon the sparrow bone
Too much in love with the silvered windowpane
The girl against the self in glassy splendor
Wondered about bird-speech and twittering
Felt herself to be on the cusp of a rhythmic thing
That was the sound-mask of bird tones
Hiding, as they were, the first song of the season
Could you have been a bird-brain? Too late
To smell the first forms of weather
On your breath, and flute it into tune
Too late to wish yourself to be a feathered thing
Hanging like a globular plum from the skies
Too late to be the minstrel of your tune
And the jealous girl took the song to heart
And she became all tail, and shadowed the songstress
Pulling herself at the back of nature’s bend
To push yourself forward again, my girl
Wishing you were birdsong, you wished the world
Could have been dimmer, to your loom
To the guitars of these peckish fingers
Hungrily pulling worms from the brown frets
Wishing for their charmed spells
And, in unknowing so, you have made
Yourself as a goddess of the season
And you shall rise now: the highest lark in the clear
Jack Ramirez
I am being compressed in this room. Hundreds of voices echo into my ears after bouncing off of the blank canvas these walls are, only to create a color in my mind. Windows place a beam of sunlight upon my face, highlighting the dust that is likely a formation of everyone’s dead skin.
I would not doubt that everybody in this room is dying.
Situated upon Rufter’s Avenue, Locken’s Memorial Hospital is a grey palace for the ill. The town’s lively culture never seems to break into this hospital, but hundreds of patients surely do every single day. The front desk will be faced with an array of “customers”: A broken arm? Check. An overdose? We’ve got that too.
But hope?
Four confetti-poppers strike fly my way, and, walking past the balloons, I am welcomed to an assorted bunch of children who couldn’t care less about where they are.
Mrs. Fort came wobbling around the corner with a tray of cupcake, and the kids rose at once.
“You can only have one. This ones--”
She paused to take largest cupcake out of the plastic basket and with a large inhale approached me. “For the birthday man!”
I am thirty-two years pass having birthdays.
I actually like this. Really well done. Only thing I see is there's clumsy rhythm after fourth stanza.
Ayden Clark
I see what you're trying to do but for me the narrative voice is really stilted and awkward
>Hundreds of voices echo into my ears after bouncing off of the blank canvas these walls are
try reading that line out loud to see what I mean
Jonathan Ortiz
Thanks!
With regards to your prose, I somehow feel like that flat sarcastic but poetic style is overdone. And some of the jokes are cliches, like the 'we've got etc.. etc.. etc.. but etc...?". As well as the 'looking upon happy people and then making a comment about their ignorance'. Maybe, this kind of style can only be livened up if you make the voice a bit more frenetic than flat, although I can't really think of any examples (Vonnegut maybe?).
Jose Foster
Thanks. Suggestions to fix that without losing the tone?
Thankfully o only have a chapter done, so if it's really that cheesy I'll probably just switch some things here and there
Luke Hall
>Hundreds of voices echo into my ears. Bouncing off of the blank canvas walls.
This isn't perfect of course and I'll admit it neuters the voice a little BUT you can see that it's easier to read.
Faulkner gets to ramble on for pages you don't yet
Xavier Cook
oh yeah here's mine
Thomas Williams
Didn't post in this thread just here because I'm feeling nice
I think you have a good idea of descriptions but it's a lot of nothing happening. I feel like you, the author, are soulless writing this
But maybe I'm just a picky old man. Also, bruised water?
I love it. Like the previous user said, the canvas line reads odd but use his correction. Would read
Not good with poetry but to a layman like myself it looks decent
Is this actually going to be a decent critique thread? Way to go lit
Ayden Harris
Seems like your prose is inspired by the first few pages of Infinite Jest. Not to patronize you or anything, just something I noticed.