Please critique others before posting (and please link your critiques to your works so people know you did even if they were in separate posts).
I will gladly respond with critique to those that critique me.
Waterbranch
“that cracking sea
that brittle sea”
There flows an oceanriver
barreling and crashing–
to crash against the crystal shore
that lays the pale reflection of nothing
like boughs in a storm
huge loud things
the sea is
huge, huge
and endlessly loud.
I like it, a lot. The last part seems a bit awkward do. Maybe if explain the intention I could understand it better.
Sadly I only write in spanish but keep it up.
i'm guessing the 'huge, huge' feels awkward?
it was meant to mimic the rhythm of the waves
unfortunately I am monolingual, but sometimes people will comment on the Spanish poems on here.
Yes, explaining makes it make sense, I like the idea a ton. Maybe I'm just retarded but maybe make it a bit more obvious (whitout makeing it so evident) so that there is no need for an explanation.
This is still the best recreation of the rhythm of waves, and its being used to illustrate "waves" of men:
Down the Trojans came like a squall of brawling gale-winds
blasting down with the Father's thunder, loosed on earth
and a superhuman uproar bursts as they pound the heavy seas,
the giant breakers seething, battle lines of them roaring,
shoulders rearing, exploding foam. waves in the vanguard,
waves rolling in from the rear. So on the Trojans came.
waves in the vanguard, waves from the rear, dosing,
bronze men glittering, following captains, closing
and Hector led the way, a match for murderous Ares-
The plosive "blasting" and "exploding" which almost leaves you spittling are especially effective. That the latter decays with the fricative "foam" is just about perfect.
How many revisions have you brought this though, my dude? It could use another. Its monotonous and lacking cadence, rhythm, flow, imagery, vivid description of any kind etc. Overall its just boring and barely limps by as a writing exercise.
>tfw i didn't even think to play with plosives
now i just feel silly
doubt you're retarded i'll def play with it, but i want to be subtle enough to where the reader doesn't necessarily think about it
well shoot, its been through like 2, but its fairly fresh. I'll keep your overall dissatisfaction in mind.
Sisyphus is in the bed
next to mine,
complaining of slipped discs
and the feeling
of being in a rut
I am here for I let horrible rubies
fall from my wrist
while my mother drained
her diamond tears into
bottles
Nurses break through walls
of spiraling thoughts
with the daily dose
of feel better
you'll be gone by Friday
if I would be so lucky.
>to crash against the crystal shore
>that lays the pale reflection of nothing
>like boughs in a storm
I dig this part. I think saying "cracking", "crashing", "crash", and "crystal" so close together sounded messy to me at first, but re reading it all the hard c's do remind me of the ocean. Fuck the "huge, huge" line. "huge" is a shit adjective. You can do better. Pretty good job m8