STOP MASTURBATING

>Be me
>598 years old alien computer scientist
>Testing a new automated theorem proving algorithm
>What we do is get a bunch of powerful computers, stitch them together, then start a new universe inside of them
>One century in the computer universe is a millisecond for us
>The goal is for the universe to eventually develop societies that will produce mathematicians and then start producing billions of generations of mathematicians, one of whom we hope will prove the Xylark Conjecture (what you would call the Riemann Hypothesis), or other important conjectures.
>I just got an error message that says one of the planets in my universe is wasting their time masturbating to anime girls and generally slacking off

Okay, listen up you pieces of shit. It wouldn't be the first time I put a black hole right next to the planet of a society that instead of working decided to fuck around. You are on the verge of getting destroyed. Right now you are wasting my computer time and my money. Every moment you spend masturbating is a moment my university is paying for electrical fees and maintenance fees so that I can keep my simulation. Did you hear that? Good. Now go back to being productive mathematicians or I am plugging off your entire sector of the universe. Why can't you be more like the Gorgorians from sector ZY521?

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tmz.com/2013/11/29/david-beckham-class-of-92-documentary-masturbation-hazing/
twitter.com/AnonBabble

pics or it didnt happen

>implementing a pipeline to transfer anything other than my own commands

Kek that is universe making 101. Two flergons ago some retard created a wider pipeline to send a wider range of information, not only commands, and what ended up happening was that a race from his universe hacked their own universe and then killed themselves, destroying decades of scientific work. Then the faggot who let that happen went to jail for being to irresponsible with federal funds.

I'm not stupid. The only thing that can go into the universe is my own commands, and the only thing that can come out is data from you. I am not sending you data from me.

>One century in the computer universe is a millisecond for us
if that's the case, in our time it took you like 10 million years just to write that post, and in your time intelligent humans have existed for less than a second

Listen to me you dipshit. Your universe goes as fast as I want it to go. One century per milisecond is a standard found in most textbooks but I have a security system: My AI scans you and if it sends me a warning the universe halts to real time so that I can fix the problem and then let the universe speed back up.

What are you stupid? Imagine if I did not stop your universe? My computers would have spent even more energy so that you can masturbate. That would be useless and wasted computer power. Well... if it was my decision I would just make my AI kill you the moment your society becomes useless but some faggots cried so much about morality at the Xenos Parliament that now by law we have to at least give you a warning before we destroy your planet. This is that warning. Get working.

Why not just spawn a big titted housewife that takes care of my earthy needs? Somehow they seem to forego me for grunt NPCs with big muscles, nice cars and lots of cash.

Why would I give you pleasure? I want you to fucking work. My AI tells me the most productive you were was back in the days of communist Russia when the people barely had anything. So many good mathematicians produced it seems. Too bad all they discovered is taught in elementary school in my world. But they made great steps. In short, you are not getting anything from me. I own you. If I wanted to I could destroy you. Know your place you filthy human.

Well your AI is bugged. You should work on fixing it. I could help you, but I am not allowed to for reasons I can't tell.

I will give you a clue though, watch movies like "moscow does not believe in tears" or "Irony of fate", they show a pretty good picture of communist russia. If it was one thing they were not lacking, it's good looking chicks.

Can you tell us about Half Life 3?

Grelblar's klethatkian mechanism. Its in the recommended reading. Masturbation is a compiled feature which automates garbage collection in the species sock_ets.. Its either that or you exhaust system resources and eventual have your program crash.

Fucking undergrads. Get dumber every xenon

This

Sounds like your just not good enough

>Making masturbating a thing in the first place


Reap what you saw, illegal Alien.

I didn't make anything a thing. Your development is literally an RNG that has been running for billions of years (in your world. I can change that though. Do you want it to bleed when you masturbate? I can do it.

>simulation
>writes code himself
>stop doing what I programmed you to do
I thought Veeky Forums at least pretended to be intelligent

If the code is supposed to be self generating then it was not programmed that way because it picked up abnormal traits over time.

Alright, I'll stop masturbating, forever. I can say this very confidently as I just masturbated 3 minutes ago.

If you make anime real, I will prove whatever the fuck you want.

Fine. Jeeze.
Put on the occulus rift and weld a kinect or leap motion sensor onto it.
I will give a guy "inspiration" to write a program that translates actions and facial expression on the get-go so that your "Real Life" translates to your precious cel-shaded animu...

Also you better hurry because I am about six lines of code from finishing you all off with yellowstone.

Just to sweeten the deal, a few months later I will make one of your scientists go "Rougue" and begin the genetic experimentation that will enable the creation fantasy races such as cat-girls and elves and dragons IRL in the coming decade.

Thank you master.

Install Gentoo

Yes please, I want to cum the crimson seed.
Also, RNG literally doesn't exist in code.

Do you aliens use fortran?

Haskell

If you can understand our language and have the ability to move blackholes, why don't you write a giant message on the sun or something that says "this is god, god wants you to prove theorems. If you don't prove theorems you die."

I think you are really underestimating the power of religion here.

Are you kidding me?
It's a vicious circle.
Hell I don't even know if I'M in a simulation.
However, somewhere at the top of this, I am sure there is a God somewhere...

>David Beckham claims he was the victim of a bizarre hazing ritual as a young professional soccer player ... in which he had to touch himself sexually in front of his male teammates.

What's with the Bong's obsession with other men's penises?

tmz.com/2013/11/29/david-beckham-class-of-92-documentary-masturbation-hazing/

You just summed up religion

how do you know that YOU'RE not god?

Let my get me math PhD first please.

>can create universe
>can't solve Riemann hypothesis

not an argument
do it
make a giant fire in the sky that says "do math, retards"

can somebody spell out what riemann hypothesis is for a brainlet?

Squigly snek in 3d euclidian space touching all zeroes at complex and even numbers plus twelve D:

>It wouldn't be the first time I put a black hole right next to the planet of a society that instead of working decided to fuck around.
You won't do it. No balls.