>Post a piece of your own work
>Critique each others work
>Those who do not critique another's work while posting their own piece will not be critique
Critique Thread
Brayden Kelly
Oliver Thomas
i guess i dont need to if i am first. Its in polish
pastebin.com
Jaxon Wilson
Before I start my Critique, I used Google Translate to read your work. Is pic related accurate?
Aaron Campbell
The Foolish King is seated shaking upon his throne, snorting lines of coke from his phone’s silver back. He feels it but it’s not much. His brain twitches, gives a faux-enthused half-shrug, not all that unlike his former lover who used to say I Love You Back but eventually only smiled back all sad instead. Either the world is earthquaking at the exact same rate as his body or the withdrawal shakes have simmered. It’s probably the latter: The Foolish King’s hands have cooled down to a meditative vibration. He hits the red button on the TV remote. The thermodynamic receptors embedded within the leathery complexion of his throne begin to whir. Mood-registered. On the screen appears a slickly-shot wildlife documentary about some bastard lion pursuing an idiot gazelle who’s about to have the term Pain In The Ass biblically redefined. The Foolish King nose-exhales, the quietly empathetic kind reserved for when someone makes a joke that’s clearly not funny.
David Brooks
Can someone read this for me and help me edit it? Basically I really like one of the characters from this game Contagion, she is my waifu and I am in love with her, and I found some friends to play with it and I promised them I would rewrite my story for the game so they could read it. I started out trying to write this trailer here: youtube.com
Can you guys help me edit this piece? I just finished writing it, have barely done any editing at all. I want to write a serial series and try to incorporate all the maps from the game but the trailer barely makes any sense.
I know this is real fuckin autistic and weird but please help me.
I can't decide if I should do (1) investigation segment of them trying to look for the "mystery" of the zombies, or (2) just jump right into the action since it's shitty genre fiction anyway.
Also I gave critique in the last thread so I will give one more then I will be 3 and 0.
The second sentence is really good. I would change:
> the withdrawal shakes have simmered
to
> the withdrawal shakes have settled to a simmer.
Just sounds better to me.
Also in the last sentence I would cut out the last part down a bit. And you really don't need to specify TV remote cut.
Nathaniel Jackson
Very... Polish in nature. Very Slavic. ??/10, would get lost and confused with it again.
Pretty vibrant use of words, speaks pretty much about the main character and his relationship to mind-expanding substances, the small word count considering. I especially liked this one:
>some bastard lion pursuing an idiot gazelle who’s about to have the term Pain In The Ass biblically redefined.
I personally would've used a line break or two in the middle, but that's just me.
Now, here's a Pastebin for ya all:
An excerpt from a work-in-progress movie script that I've been writing VEEERRRY slowly on my spare time. The scene describes a funeral. The main character's last living family members have died, and she doesn't take it too well. If it helps, I've always imagined it having late-90's anime visuals. Think Ghost in the Shell here.
For the record, English is not my first language. P-please be gentle with me, onii-san.
Wyatt Long
It's been eight years since you went out to get milk,
Your echoing footsteps out that door,
Your last, fading smile vanished in my core,
I should've stopped you,
I should've went,
I should've been the one out that door,
You shouted goodbye to grab my attention,
I ignored you and that was my intention,
On that line with my friend,
As I watch life seep through like sand.
It's been eight years since you went out to get milk,
A screech then a bang,
The shrieks of horror rang,
I shouldn't have rejected you,
I shouldn't have lied to you,
I shouldn't have blamed you,
The feeling of bitter and unfairness,
Rushing out the door,
saw the person that I most adore,
You were lying on the crossroad,
blood poured, blood flower.
It's been eight years since you went out to get milk,
You were struggling to breathe, struggling to talk,
The trembling hands of the one who taught me how to walk,
I held your hands tight,
to make sure you won't be out of my sight,
I tried to keep my tears in to make me look stronger,
but each second felt longer,
than before.
Dad!
You hands went limp,
The sky turned grim,
Everything was a blur,
a mess,
a disaster.
It's been eight years since you went out to get milk,
It's been eight years since you called me daughter,
It's been eight years since I called you father.
I will only critique poems.
Jason Parker
Then fuck off
William Flores
Fuck you I write better than your shit
Camden Barnes
Nice little read user, anymore you are willing to share?