Post some of your own haiku or write some haiku right now.
It doesn’t have to be anything particularly great or extremely rule-following.
Just have fun (yet, even without pressure, try to do your best).
Post some of your own haiku or write some haiku right now.
It doesn’t have to be anything particularly great or extremely rule-following.
Just have fun (yet, even without pressure, try to do your best).
Black Orchid
drips with starry
dew vapour
Deerdeath stench
reeks red on
green meadow
Mirror shines
the sun eclipsed;
little angel
Red slate roof
shingles plate
the sick child
some of my more recent r8 me
Let's tear us apart
and clean the blood while we laugh.
We are broken glass.
I don't know how to count syllabes in english.
I have written some this morning here in the office (came here to study and ended up writing some small poems). I use 3 verses, but not with the 5-7-5 metric. I use 3 verses of 10 poetic syllables.
The originals are in Portuguese. I will post the translations first, and then the originals.
1) Both alone, me and Peter- Hobbler*, the dog.
He suffers with the scratching of scabies on his flesh
Me with the scabies of poetry on my brain.
2) Paws crossed, eyes half open,
In docile meditation the cat submerges:
More than in myself the Buddha inhabits in him
3) If the mind, when crude, is a tamarin, mine
Is a whole clan of tamarins, with flies, with fleas,
And the chaos of this festival of itchiness.
4) My thoughts fly up, swim among the galaxies,
Sperm searching for the egg of God;
But my belly growls, and suddenly I fall.
*Peter-Hobbler (in Portuguese: Pedro Manco) is a street dog that people in the firm adopted. He is accustomed to hang out inside the office building. He is with me here on this fine Saturday morning. He suffers with scabies and was hit by a car. He was saved by people in a do-shelter and adopted by the owners of the firm.
Originals
1) Sozinhos, eu e Pedro-Manco, o cão.
Ele sofre a coçar sarna na carne,
Eu a sarna poética em meu cérebro.
2) Patas cruzadas, olhos semi-abertos,
Em dócil meditar submerge o gato:
Mais do que em mim habita nele o Buda.
3) Se a mente, quando crua, é um mico, a minha
É um clã de micos, com moscas, com pulgas,
E o caos do festival dessa coceira.
4) Meu pensar voa, nada entre as galáxias,
Esperma a buscar o óvulo de Deus;
Mas a barriga ronca e eu caio, súbito.
>Black Orchid
>drips with starry
>dew vapour
loved
>Let's tear us apart
>and clean the blood while we laugh.
>We are broken glass.
loved
People here know their shit
>Black Orchid
>drips with starry
>dew vapour
I imagined the night sky as an immense black orchid with its petals opened upon Earth, and the stars as the dew sparkling on its dark flesh.
In the reverse sense, one could hold the entire night sky on one’s hand by holding a black orchid still moist with dew.
>2) Paws crossed, eyes half open,
>In docile meditation the cat submerges:
>More than in myself the Buddha inhabits in him
Fucking cats, the most Veeky Forums pets.
Bump
eat a bag of dicks, friend
'cause you are so gay today,
happiness is bent
japan's gay metal
death, thrash, grind, doom, black, it's gay
bad music for bad japs
Opulent meadow
birds flirting with each other.
Spring wakes once again
Wintry arteries
Shake nakedly, forgetting
Their tatty green coat
I deeply enjoyed both of these. Especially black orchid.
Haikus in English?
I hope you guys are trolling
Uh oh, I dun it
Opulent meadow
Flirtation of singing birds
Sping wakes once again!
A cobweb of cum,
Surrounds us like cutting glass,
Eat up or be trapped
interesting, when i wrote the second line should i have been more vague and gone with flirtation of singing birds instead of birds flirting with each other which is a sentence i guess?
The glow around stars
Lines the white gap of heaven,
It flickers my God.
I know this isn't a /crit/ thread but birds flirting with eachother is too good a line to waste on your finale. I get the image but it's been done.
The weebiest shit.
After reading light-novels.
Learn some Japanese.
what do you mean exactly? to waste it on my finale?
I tried to retain the portrayal you had in mind while keeping the birds.
Yes. I think it should build on the sound too, like it has an impact on the beginning of spring, that is not "spring waking up", but "waking up Spring" - although I'd carry the love imagery, make the final line something fertile not so passive.
Of course, this is just my opinion. I just adored your middle line.
White tile longing
Extends empty fingertips
Begging me exchange
Etching in graphite-
Microscopic mountain range
Crushing to create
Water falls down low
Screams then trickling in streams
Salmon swim up high
Raindrops drum leaf pads
Gentle winds and grass trumpets
Car horn toots afar
Molten glowing core
Veins and stone and dirt and grass
Open flowing sun
This is significantly better
Sketching with graphite--
Microscopic mountain range
Crush to creation
Water falls down low
Screams then trickling in streams
Salmon swim up high
Raindrops drum leaf pads
Gentle winds and grass trumpets
Car horns toot afar
Pulsing molten core
Veins and stone and dirt and grass
Open flowing sun
No no, i appreciate any advice. Thanks
i need my waifu
now she's gone and won't be back
feels bad man desu
Man stooped with knee fold
Sword held in lovers embrace
Quickness ends the deed
Pics or it didn't happen
Just messing, pretty good as is, but not really a haiku though since its about seppuku
Haikus can't be about seppuku?
Depends on where you draw the line of "of nature." But by standard definition, that's not a 'real' haiku since haiku are meant to capture an essence of nature.
See the black orchid haiku above or . Or the most well known haiku by one of the original masters of the craft:
>A frog jumps into the pond, splash! Silence again.
Thanks, isn't that the original theme of haiku poems while modern haiku poems can be about anhything?
Of course! There's nothing inherently wrong with your haiku at all, don't take my crit to heart; it was more of an afterthought when I mentioned it wasn't a 'real' haiku--I'm a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to haiku. They can be very beautiful.
haikus are dum
because japanese are weird
barely human scum
Don't worry, I was mostly asking because I didn't know the difference.
Lovely eyes smiling
Alluring breasts unconcealed
Touched by rays of sun
Someone please make it better.
suteki da ne
from final fantasy ten
tanoshii yo
Can't--too busy fapping
a drop of being
in an ocean of nothing:
bells chime in silence
Opulent meadow
Flirtation of singing birds
Spring wakes once again
Lovely eyes smiling
Alluring breasts unconcealed
Touched by rays of sun
Her arms are folded
Fingers embracing my spine
Pulling me in reach
Lashes closing shut
Like folded hands, lips drawn in
Now noses caress
Our breathing even
Coexistence carried out
- - - - -
Out of haiku fluids
are we combining our stuff now?
I lay on my back
Toward the moon you kiss me
Swaying waves we gaze
Water fill the lake
Trees move a little from the wind
I'm drunk and writing
His fingers halfway
Resting on her lips and cheeks
Adorning bare skin
My dear child
I hope I see you again
in God's kingdom
heavy testicles
slap against your nasty taint
like nigger bongos
Leftist opinions
Plebshitters shitting
Reddit colonizes us
he sticks his finger
into your bleeding asshole
"it IS a toomah"
i wank to shemales
like bailey jay. in my dreams
she cums on my face
buy
feel vacuum
the girl look at me
im not looking at her
A bottle of wine
On the table, uncorked
Waiting to be drunk
Ginger tabbycat
looking outside the window
a pair of sparrows
Gazing at sunset
As I walk through a meadow
I stepped in cowdung
海くれて
鴨のこゑ
ほのかに白し
>bailey jay pinup
thank you jesus
>write some haiku right now
Skyscraper in blue
just a nest
but a peak of nature too
Goldful day
but a night
without the moon
Lost your name
what I'll guess
is only for me
The glow around stars
Links the gap of white heaven,
it flickers: my God!
Eight legs and two fangs
Eater of flesh; Death of worlds
Silk wisp on my face
(Dark)
Young, soft tufts of fur
Litter of baby rabbits
Splat! Broken mower
Outstretched, reaching bow
Twig-like fingers cusp lush fruit
Swallows swooping down
It's curious: in most poetry and critique threads we only see mostly poor material, and yet this haiku thread is full of gems. So brevity is the soul of wit for most Veeky Forums posters after all. Nice job, fellows, nice job.
terrifyingly
accelerating into
something bottomless
Haiku forces structure although these people need to read more about haiku (because I'm not sold their breaking from the form enhances their work)
(uses self which is a clear break)
(ditto and some waste space with grmmar)
(could be good even though it was a memer, but self messes it up)
(again with the self. the self obscures the pure image)
(this is basically a full-blown senryu)
(needs a tie to seasons, their is almost one)
(don't pretend this is a haiku and it'll get better with revision)
(senryu (a good one))
nope
nippon man isn't bad but again senryu with 3rd
too many articles and self in the last
this is more of a Vorticist work
me btw
>this is more of a Vorticist work
how so? never heard of vorticism until now.
it's pure movement and bitterness (not a bad thing btw)
>this is basically a full-blown senryu
Thanks for the sleight later on in your post user, fucking cunt.
ok thank you for that
i'm sorry I upset you. Feel free to insult my work back or something. I like senryu, but they're definitely different, and feel VERY different.
en el mosaico
jugando a la rayuela
unos gorriones
in the tiles
playing hopscotch
some sparrows
Mister Trump
not president
if if if
that if if if could be powerful in the right work
Kek, mine was the only one you called shit. It's not the point that it's not a haiku.
>his fingers halfway
that one?
there were plenty others i didn't like and most of them i didn't waste my time with
how do these even work in English?
That's a senryu tho
As far as I know you may not just count the syllables, but have to look for the amount of vowels or something like that.
Being hyper critical over haiku is ironic, I hope you understand. It's clear you regard the value of a haiku and it's variations highly based on your examples. But there's no need to come in here ripping on them.
>It doesn’t have to be anything particularly great or extremely rule-following.
So just acknowledge what you like, and keep your ego to yourself.
I wouldn't know, it's just what she called it.
I thought it was exceptionally witty for a pornstar.
disliking something isn't hyper critical?
Yours are p good for such a noble egalitarian
Not trying to sound rude, but this wasn't intended to be a critique thread, or at least it wasn't specified. So saying you dislike it just comes off like you're flexing.
I just like when people post. And not getting a reply is usually better than getting a dislike. Either way, you know you didn't do good.
gotcha, its a bit hard to switch off, I still think its important for people writing in a form to at elast know what the form is, which in the case of a sonnet or something larger and more mechanically formal, my complaints would be obvious, but I feel as though haiku is a form that's sort of treated poorly because its requirements are so subtle in English (specially from someone who doesn't know what to look for)
I could've done it nicer though, I'll admit.
Want to sniff some ass
Their face when no cute girlfriend
Forever alone
Nah, you weren't rude. They were honest crits that I agree with. The haiku is trampled on, but it wasnt intended for English either. I'm not saying this is okay, it's appalling. But it's nothing to take to heart.
Calmly a lone leaf
Sways with the unrecognized
The branch holds on still
Yammering pet dogs
Neighbor's incessant wind chimes
Zap! one more dead bug
bIr'jarmeyDaq', jI
jejbeH nuHwIj, vIDaj SaH
jIQub jaghpuwIj; jIHagh
>2
Thanks for the feedback. I did the stars and the cobweb, and also one on trees forgetting their coat (which I would like to expand maybe, on the coat forgetting them too, not in a haiku format though). My knowledge of proper haiku form isn't too good, I wasn't aware that you were to include your self. As I said earlier, I thought your black orchard was beauitiful.
Intelligent criticism is always helpful, always painful.
Portuguese user you are fucking great, honestly. Keep it up dude.
Here are mine niggas:
Leaving the shower
The towel sticks to her, she
Squeezes her breasts dry.
Frost clings to her skin
That of warm changing to cold
And not knowing why.
Are haikus suppose to be stacked like this, one after another and be connected in subtext/context?
Not necessarily, and if you're anything like the autistic formalist poster (but good poet) a few posts above then it's fucking sacrilege and you should commit sudoku.
Green are the spring shoots
Verdant is the plum orchard
Pea-hued, my sputum!
eagerly awaiting formalist user to deride my attempt at haiku
One who was considered to be one of the 4 great masters of haiku was the modernist masaoka shiki. He proposed that haiku stray away from its buddhist connotation of evanescenct fleetingness ( like basho's frog jumping in the pond and for a split second rippling, and thus, upsetting the harmony of the ancient pond) and rather take on what he called 'shasei' which you could translate as describing daily life.
from the top off my head there's one haiku of his you'd translate as 'red apple, green apple, sitting on the table'. Now obviously there are critics who'll tell you that shiki didn't really succeed in following his proposed ideal and still clings to the form popularized by bashô, but there you go.
I love birds
They walk the most straight
Gliding with an effortless gait
Walking beneath a weight
Who even cares about syllables.
Gliding over the dirt
Walking beneath a weight
They walk straight
Bump
Thanks for the tip
What do you do for living?
I am a lawyer. I work in a small law firm especialized in labour's-right law. Most of our clients are factory workers, bricklayers, maids, metallurgists, etc.
Just to clarify, I believe and
are the only two that combined the works. Otherwise the others are a series of individual haiku that may seem related but only because haiku have a general 'nature' to them. So reading several in a town in a single post might make it seem like they're related, but they aren't.
A lawyer who writes haiku. I'm impressed, for lack of a better term.
the former president of the eu is an avid haiku poet
you know, the one nigel farage labelled as having less charisma than a damp rag
I eat from the trash
can all the time. Named
Ideology
Moonlight cased in black
Hanging high and swimming low
Neither here nor there
Ocean waves crashing
Roaring echoes far away--
Deafening silence
(Religious)
Angelic moth wings
Flutter frantic for reprieve
Clinking off a bulb
And so on and so on
That's coming from a food critic, yikes. Well you're fairly good (I don't speak Portuguese, but your originals seemed better than your translations, and the translations weren't bad either). Keep up the good work.
What your girlfriend think about your autism? Serious question.
Was supposed to be:
>(Religious)
>Angelic white wings
>Flutter frantic for reprieve
>Clinking off a bulb
Must've had a Freudian slip
>starts a haiku thread
>doesn't even write OP
>in fucking haiku
Ching chang bing bang bong
Ho ho chee moy choy chow chong
Ding dang ping pang pong