Write what's on your mind

i'm at the point in my life where i can understand that my disposition works in cycles, and that this recent depressive phase is just that. it will come to an end and i'll find elation and motivation once again. this allows me some comfort and perspective intellectually, but unfortunately not viscerally. oh well, had a good run recently. i hope by summertime i can be back to where i was.

I am embarrassed again, because I thought I was at a good place. I thought I had been doing well, and to feel myself return to where I was is disappointing and embarrassing. It makes me feel like I am not actually in control. It makes me feel childish. I thought I was better - and better than this.

>TFW an user describes exactly the way you feel

It's 7 AM, and I'm still awake, though my eyelids are starting to feel heavy, or at least weary.

I shouldn't have had that caramel macchiato. I didn't know it would have as much caffiene as it did.

I don't know what to do. I feel kind of dejected and depressed, but I don't know why.

I'm scared of black people, but not for the usual reasons. I'm afraid that they actually stupider, and that there is a hierarchy of races. That would be scary because it would mean that there would be no way of saving them or any of the worse races, of which I am partially a part.

This thought was haunting me all day. It started at barnes and noble when I read an interview in the paris review by a black/jewish author. I noticed that his mother had been a (european) jewish woman, and that he seemed to show some european characteristics, and I wondered if that was the reason he was a successful writer. His jewishness. Because intelligence is inherited from the mother, after all (as surmised by schopenhauer and later confirmed by science).

Later that night, I spent my time reading wikipedia articles on african countries. They all still seem so tribal. It's so frightening to imagine that they'll never, ever become as stable as white countries.

Cause WTF do we do, then? Nobody wants to admit that Africa is still shit. Is it really all white people's fault? Or are black people actually generally dumber?

Thoughts like that always make me feel guilty, but I secretely suspect that they're true. It's not a self-aggrandizing thing, either. I'm not some genius guy. In fact, I'm very lazy, and almost entirely ineffectual...

I don't even know what I want to do, at all. I was listening to Jordan Peterson lectures while playing Brutal Doom: Project Brutality with the Hell Revealed Mod and he was talking about how you should make a plan for your future. You should have a goal to strive for. And I realized that I don't really have a goal.

I don't like the stuff I'm doing in college, but I have no alternatives. And not just in a market sense. I mean I don't even have any ideals. I'm just not interested in anything. I don't have any hobbies or activities I enjoy. And I can't think of anything I'd even like to try. Nothing appeals to me. I feel totally lost.

Going to drink tonight after my sorta-gf who is still in a long-term relationship but swears she loves me goes to a party with her bf

eyy

You've never learned to expect anything from life, it seems. Have you read Hesse?

no, I haven't.

I think I do expect something from life: a purpose. Or at least something I'm interested in enough for me to want to spend time doing it.

being in love isn't worth it

head hurts like fucking goddamn shit, had to or have I? Fuck the cats can feed themselves. Cats man shit Catshitone Cats quoting Knievel catchphrases like wow. Damn I' m getting dizzy.

good boys have no place in the rebel's den

I hope I'll be able to finish my play this summer, before I change both in outlook and style thus no longer agreeing with the ideas and the style of the first half of my play, and having to abandon it. I'm afraid I've perhaps already changed too much.

fuck man same. I feel like I love God but I can't stand people, and it troubles me that God loves people so I should as well, then I realize I am a person, and become scared that my love for God is based on a kind of narcissism and that's why I find it hard to love people unconditionally yet find it easy to love God.

The more I intentionally mediate on God and direct my thoughts toward God the more I feel a drawing away from myself and towards some great change, which I then resist, and I end up feeling sick in my own skin, like the spirit man is actively rejecting the animal man

I'm supposed to know what I'm doing/I don't know what I'm doing/nobody knows what they're doing/this is how it is.

This question is going to come across as unnecessarily confrontational because people who ask it are usually trying to score rhetorical points, but: how many black friends do you have?

You're on to something.

Just as I thought my throat was better, today I wake up with trouble swallowing again, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I don't have any. The closest is my one of my friend's girlfriend is black.

What's your racial background?

I will try hard to not sound like a self-righteous piece of shit here, but please be generous if I'm unsuccessful.

>I don't have any.
I kinda guessed, but I didn't want to presume by phrasing it as "do you know any black people?"

user, it's a lot easier to conceive black countries and communities as flawed when you view them holistically through the lens of statistics and generalized statements, but then you end up forgetting that the mass noun of "people" is comprised of a lot of proper noun "persons". When you get to know specific individuals - intimately, I mean - you realize stuff like skin color isn't an intrinsic determinant of anything. That's not to say race doesn't affect the kind of people we are, but that's solely on account of the way we're socialized in the face of extrinsic values originating from long-standing and arbitrary hierarchies of people or places.

When you combine that knowledge with the perspectives you gain through relationships with people of color, when you come to realize that those extrinsic values shape people but they are nevertheless people and thus reducible to the same kinds of fears, anxieties, hopes, and comforts that you are, you'll realize that a lot of the ugly stuff you read comes from a legacy of systematic oppression and ongoing institutional biases. And at a certain point when they've been repeated enough, these ugly statements just become self-fulfilling prophecies because entire communities have to struggle with the value judgments and accusations of irrationality for so long that they stop wanting to even try to make themselves understood, and entire generations are born into a state of racial immanence.

I'm not sure if what I've said makes any sense or isn't too hollow and preachy, but I genuinely think the best way to allay your fears about the world is to get out there and live in it.

>tfw

I thought it was irish/italian but online dna test says it's anglo/"mediterranean"

I'm hungry

Oh hither thither wither nither
Hitherto and hitherfro, nonsense talk and babbly folk
Babble rabble, tabble fabble
Oh realm of glory, oh tealm of flory
Flower flower, bloom and ploom
Toom to gloom, tomb of flowers
Encased in mud, hidden, furtive
Liars. Liars all, liars none
Wherest be thine glory, oh darkness?
Gone liketh thy liars? Or perhaps thy lyres?
Wherest the music gone? Slipped into the cracks.
All the little notes gone like plip and plop into nothing
Notes of nothing, plip plop, drip drop
Dip dop, nip nop, flip and flop
Oh wavering fire, flip some more
Flip and flop in the air, thy glory shines!
Flip beyond my sight, flop till you're none but cinders
Wither nither, wither nither
Whether wither, neither nither
Thither! Hither!

I think the only solution is what you are talking about, a direct experience of other people.

Cause right now, I intellectually understand the perspective of race as something wholly socially constructed & re-reified--it's consistent, but I don't feel moved by it in the least. The system covers the information that I've gotten from the world, but it seems to take a round-about way of getting to it. I mean it doesn't pass occam's razor, compared to the naive, bad one. But that's really just a heuristic. And whenever you have to drag in heuristics, you know you've already failed.

I've felt this before in relation to Christianity. The whole system covered all the information I got from the world, but because I was missing the direct experience, I didn't feel moved by it in the least.

So the only path out is through a direct relationship with someone else. So I'll try to do that, IN GOOD FAITH! Cause so many smart people believe it, so it is probably true, or at least worth a try.

I'm scared and confused and anxious about the future

>having that kind of view
>that gorgeous bookcase
>spacious apartment
>yet resorting to VR bullshit for girlfriend simulation

You and every single human who craves the companionship of others disgust me.

Here I am on lit. I was supposed to retrieve a file from the Internet to know how I'm to write a work due next week, but I got dispersed.
No matter. Later on today, I'll present to the new folks on my project what we're working on and what their jobs are. I believe I did a nice job separating their jobs, but I feel like the structure I imposed on them isn't being beneficial at the moment, I'd like to give the complicated task to the genius guy, but I wouldn't like to overload him with work as well, because he'll have others. Still, he said he wouldn't mind helping out with research, so I'll most likely give that task to him now, thinking about it.
I will go down these stairs in front of me into the library below and start doing this work as soon as a I finish writing this post.

>But that's really just a heuristic. And whenever you have to drag in heuristics, you know you've already failed.

Exactly, my guy. There are no heuristics for life, they're just a simple tool for quickly sublimating data otherwise too broad or complex to interpret.

And therein lies what's what's so wonderful about experiencing other people and their perspectives - nothing is too broad or complex, and you have your entire life to do it. You don't need to rush, you don't need to postulate on the final product. Just expose your sincerity however and wherever you can; when other people finally pay you back in kind you'll realize it was worth it.

>So I'll try to do that, IN GOOD FAITH! Cause so many smart people believe it, so it is probably true, or at least worth a try.

If this is what motivates you to put yourself our there, then grab onto it and never let go.

You're the back up, my dude.

You know this.

Have more respect for yourself.

How fucking hard I will pump my biceps tomorrow at gym.

Real fucking hard

This. You're just one of her backups. Don't wait for her. While she's out getting post-party porked, make sure you have a pig of your own.

>even thinking of calling such a deceitful whore your gf

Step it up, senpai.

Statistics are an impenetrable occult art and if I hear the phrase "suppose we have a fair die" another time I may well go bananas.

Thanks for your calm, good advice.

If you are still there, can you recommend me how to begin? I've been having difficulty interacting authentically with new people for several years now. It's like I'm blocked somehow. I can be myself, sort of, with my friends from elementary school, but it's hard for me to be honest with anybody else.

So it's not just a problem with people of different races, though that problem is contained within it.

What do you think I should do?

I'm wondering if I should write more My Little Pony fanfiction. I've written some fairly famous fanfics, or at least they're famous within the brony community, and I have more story ideas. I'm also an original, non-fanfic writer too, so I wonder if I'd only be wasting my time with more fanfiction. But I do legitimately have more fanfic ideas.

When you write, what is your goal? Do you do it to make other people happy, or to have fun? Do you want to last a long time, or be a bright sizzle in the pan?

Don't approach these questions like the cliches they are, please! Just ask these questions to yourself, and then tell me the answer.

Gas yourself

Read Hesse

I realize all of this, but I'm so starved for attention and physical contact and intimacy and romantic feelings that I'm going along with it anyways
Also, I think she's a bit too naive to know what she's doing

I suppose in the end I write to please myself. I enjoy telling stories, and I enjoy writing prose that I think is beautiful and harmonious. Being both a storyteller and a stylist makes me happy. It's what I've taken up as my purpose in life, and it makes me happy to do it.

Well, do whatever you can not to get too emotionally attached. Fuck her brains out regularly just be looking elsewise. Even if she leaves her bf you're not going to want to be with her.

I'm her main guy, she rarely sees him now and only when he really begs her to and gets obnoxious, he's doing it to save face more than anything (I know the guy and other people that are still in contact with him). Then again, you might be right and I'm getting used, I don't know
I'm already emotionally attached, and I genuinely feel bad about crashing their relationship (it last for 4 years before that). She's attached too, almost too much. Really, the whole thing hinges on me not having asked her to break up with him yet, which I think she would do. I'm not exactly clear about what I'm doing desu

ok. where to begin?

That's a great answer! Do you find that writing fanfiction leaves something out of that combo between plot and prose? Which choice, between "serious" fiction and fanfiction, would allow you to enjoy what you do the most?

Demian, then Siddartha, then Steppenwolf, then whatever you want

Well, I suppose fanfiction is constraining. I try to follow the established plots and characterizations of the show in question when I write it, which I think is what you really ought to do. Anything else would be inconsistent and out of character. Meanwhile, serious fiction is original fiction, which means I can establish characters and their setting purely according to my own wishes.

I enjoy them both for different reasons. I suppose I enjoy the serious fiction best. I really should focus more on that.

...and then they cut all contact. Even though they occupied the same building. Could practically see one another's ghost thru the windows. Sometimes asleep, sometimes walking. Nightly silhouette.

A friendship perhaps dissolved in time, not space.

To hell with everything, he'd often write to her. She never replied. She was a woman after all. A suffering sea under the pull of the moon. And he, just a mere drunk.

>I miss you, Daria. I just...

Why am I so jaded?

I'm ready to let everything go so I can hit rock bottom, only to start over again. You must tear down the rotten foundations to rebuild a beautiful building

I want to meet new people, especially women, but my avenues to do so are limited. I befriended some people in college who are always willing to go out, but I've come to realize that I don't really feel compatible with any of them. We had a few similar interests but mostly we just got drunk together. Whenever I socialize with them it's a very alienating experience in which I feel surrounded by people who are not at all like-minded, which includes not just them but also the various other sorts who hang out at the places they bring me to. I don't think it's a matter of being 'better' or 'worse' but rather an issue of compatibility.

I have friends from childhood whom I still feel close with, but they're generally not a sociable bunch. When we do meet it's to do something isolated from anyone outside the group. There are a few of them who do enjoy going out and with whom I have done interesting things and met interesting people, but these moments are sparse.

That's a difficult question for two anonymous strangers to hash out, but I'll try to pass on what's helped me out.

First, to begin, you need to put yourself in a position where you feel comfortable being expressive and there will be other people who share that sentiment. What I'm about to say is going to come off as incredibly generic to the point of being unhelpful, but there's a reason for that: whenever you bond with someone or share a moment of understanding, it's going to be unique. You can't forecast it, and there's no general rule for consistently creating intersubjectivity between specific people.

So go where the people are. Take up a hobby and join a relevant club; audit a class at your local community college; volunteer for an organization that means something to you; go to a bar and only have a drink or two but talk to the patrons. I know this stuff is bland, and that list is obviously far from exhaustive. But you gotta be around people before anything else happens.

As for authentically communicating with other people, including people of other races, that's something I've had a lot of trouble with before. I know why it was the case now - I went to a liberal arts college where an immense amount of social capital was attributed to correcting other people, and casual interactions were frequently pageants to show how woke you are. I ended up struggling to feel comfortable in public because I was afraid of attracting undue attention and the criticism (both spoken and unspoken) that would accompany it.

Getting over that, for me, wasn't about deciding that I didn't care what other people think; kind of the opposite, in fact. The first and most important thing that's helped me be genuine around other people is to expect and welcome being challenged. I don't mean be antagonistic, I mean be forthright and without pretension - don't let someone talk to an image you've confabulated to present your tastes or education or ideology, present the gestalt those things have allegedly built. A meaningful exchange is almost always going to begin with some brand of confrontation. Being forced to defend yourself helps you learn about people - you included. This is WHY you share your experiences with people and simultaneously encourage them to do the same with you: so that someone else, who is the aggregate of a million billion different little pieces of life crystallizing in a singular way, can introduce to you a different angle of understanding something that you've both been assigning the same name to until now.

You're never going to reach that moment unless you're honest and unvarnished with people. You can be afraid about coming across as incorrect, or uncool, or out of touch, but you can't let yourself be opposed to having other people think that about you. You need to mobilize that fear and challenge others to challenge you.

I'm not sure if any of this helps or if I even understood what you were asking, but I hope so.

Read A Confession by Tolstoy

That's great. Sounds like you're saying that you need a kind of dialectic in order to bond, and that that dialectic comes out of honesty with others. I've never thought about it like that, but it really makes sense.

I hate that lib arts crimethink shit. My friend quit his school because he couldn't bear it.

>don't let someone talk to an image you've confabulated to present your tastes or education or ideology, present the gestalt those things have allegedly built.
That's quite an elegant way of saying to be honest. Nice

This is great. Next time I talk to someone, I'll do it.

Thanks!

just found some authors from long lost threads in the archives.. I've succeeded for the day.

> I went to a liberal arts college where an immense amount of social capital was attributed to correcting other people

Which one?

bump

there has to be more on your mind that just that, friend

The thing I want most in the entire world is some kind of reserved discursive space where I can politely ask girls to sit on my face, assure them I'm not a rapist or a creep, and plead my case as to why they should consent to do it. I'm completely harmless and sane, I will just never have sex in a thousand years.

I feel like if I could get past the initial barrier of women assuming I'm going to rape them, they would at least hear me out. I'm not going to stalk you or anything. I actually just want to politely ask someone to pity me enough to sit on my face once in a while. I'm not saying even one in a thousand women would consent, but eventually, maybe somebody would.

Honestly? I'm thinking about a 17 year old girl who always smiles at me when I see her and makes stupid jokes at my expense. She has brown hair that she always styles different, green eyes, and freckles that I fawn over every time I see her stupid face. I can't even do things right now without being distracted by her, without thinking of her. Is 22 too old to make a move on her? I have to have some sort of conclusion.

you really should stop watching porn and masturbate less

It's not a libido issue. I rarely masturbate and when I do it's not to porn. It's that I'm likely going to be celibate for the rest of my life, and I've seen friends luck their way into pity sex before, so I wish there were a way of asking sympathetic female friends for 'platonic' intimacy.

I don't even want sex, really. I just want to experience things.

My friend died some weeks ago

Since that, ive been thinking whats does it mean to have the most of life, because i came to realize that death is nearer than we think. We see in movies stories, but she never came that close to me.

Im trying to see the bright side of everything in life, but its not so simple.
i dont think that getting drunk, partying and eating junk food is making the most of life, but my lifestyle is not too, i eat well, study and try to do the things i want, but thats not enough

i really think that everyone have this feel, maybe everyone is waiting to their real lives to start, but they wont

>I don't even want sex, really. I just want to experience things.
i can sympathize. i mean i do want sex, but mostly as a means for some kind of validation. new experiences are nice too.

Not really hungry, but feels like eating something. Could explain my chubbyness. Also: should get to sleep

hire a prostitute maybe? Especially since it sounds like you're not really interested in actual romantic relationships

Alright, fine. What's on my mind is that I haven't socially adapted well in my youth. I'm really hoping I can turn this around in college, and make some great friends, but I'm worried that it won't happen.

(22/2)+7=18

sorry bruh

As an actual answer, you should probably wait until she's graduated high school or at least reached the age of majority. You're old enough to be a college graduate; both her peers and yours would find it kinda strange to date someone her age.

>I'm really hoping I can turn this around in college, and make some great friends, but I'm worried that it won't happen.
didn't happen for me but maybe you'll fare better

Word, I guess I'll just try to avoid her and wait for the feeling to die down

I can only enjoy things once they've happened.

All heard the trumpets, but few saw the return of His holiness. As though the world became mute, His words filled the air stifled with the plume of battle:

"I am the way, the truth, and the light. None shall come to the father except through me."

And so, the wrath of JOHN CENA was brought down upon the peoples of Middle Earth.

i think i'm actually going to kill myself. i really hope there's an afterlife. there probably isn't, though.

You'll go to hell if you kill yourself.

I'm scared of this new busboy job. I'm literally autistic, have OCD and ADHD. I've become a compulsive lier. I say anything to get people to think I'm interesting or have a personality. I want to be quiet and left alone. I make a fool of myself regularly. Have stopped reading too.

I made a character development Web for an idea I wanted to write about. No idea where to start.

i was baptized though

doesn't that count for anything?

jim raised me up.
he hit me and it felt like a kiss
jim brought me back.
reminded me of when we were kids...

No, youd still be mudering yourself, which is a fucking big deal. You'd most likely go to hell. Think about it. Your life is a gift from God, and how do you think He would feel if you squandered it?

I haven't suffered enough to earn anything. Good work isn't created by comfortable people.

trying to curb my drinking a bit with a 2 night per week limit. tonight is night number 2. anyone else drunkposting tonight?

Degenerate

Why kill yourself when you want to keep living (in the afterlife)?

Are your current circumstances really so inescapable that you cannot start anew, as one would in the afterlife?

um excuse me but i'm over 21, therefore drinking is just good, clean fun.

Isn't posting on Veeky Forums another way of squandering my life? How does God feel about me now?

杀杀杀

I'm sorry, guy. I don't want you to interpret my generalizations as gospel, I can only give a stranger's impression. I don't know you or her or the context in which you know each other; five years isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things, but at her age it counts for a lot.

As someone who squandered a lot of similar opportunities, I can say that you should avoid cutting her out entirely if your emotions can bear it (and it's fine if they can't). It's good to have meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex, and a lot of people don't take the time to do it unless there's a romantic/sexual angle involved.

In any event, good luck. Love yourself.

A degree of chubbyness in a male is an extremely amorous ideal to me. If I mention this, do I make the subject more comfortable, or more self-conscious?

youtube.com/watch?v=yiqwdLt5kaQ

He probably thinks you're an insufferable faggot.

>A degree of chubbyness in a male is an extremely amorous ideal to me.
huh really? is that common? not that guy but i'm very self-conscious about my belly

I am contemplating how to most effectively deeply study multiple subjects concurrently. I have been studying philosophy, mathematics, and computer science, with a little bit of physics, but it's mostly been half-assed so far. I'm looking to sit down and put in more effort into strengthening my foundations.

The first problem is: what should I study? Is it really wise to attempt to study multiple subjects? Would I be better suited to laser-focus on a single subject, leaving everything else as curiosities? If I had to learn only a single subject, I'm not sure how I'd pick. I'm not comfortable with the idea that I will die without ever having learned (deeply, not superficially) any of those subjects that I have mentioned - except maybe computer science. Actually, the main reason I am learning computer science is because that is what I'm getting my degree in, and I no doubt need to learn extra skills outside of my courses if I want to make a living. Mathematics and philosophy are more "passionate" interests, if you want to call it that. But this is a tangent.

The second problem concerns the details of implementation. When should I study, and when should I study which particular subjects? How do I avoid giving in to laziness and letting my study plans fall to the wayside? I am currently thinking of studying every day in the evenings, when I have particularly large chunks of free time. I also feel that a rotating schedule will be most effective - where I study one subject for a few days at a time, then go on to another subject for another few days, etc. and then repeat. My concern is that any schedule that I come up with will feel sluggish - the pace of progress will seem hopelessly slow. I think of reading a 500 page textbook, where each page must be deliberated over for a good chunk of time. In the few days I dedicate to that subject, I would only read maybe a few pages. It would take many months to read an entire textbook, and then in each subject there are many many many textbooks to be read.

I don't know why I wrote all this, except that it's helpful for me to write out my thoughts. I expect nobody else cares about this. But that's what the thread is about, I guess.

not that user but reminded me of this

maxim.com/maxim-man/dad-bod-physique-more-attractive-live-longer-2016-11

What the fuck we're in somewhat similar situations. I'm 21, interested in a 17 year old. It feels immoral, yet it seems absurd that it's immoral to like someone so close to the arbitrarily-chosen cutoff point between sexual immaturity and maturity.

Just do it.
you too