Overnight Critique Thread

Hey! I don't know how much I can really say about this, because its somewhere between poetic and philosophical.

>even the slowest dunce thoughtful
that doesn't feel 16th century to me, and even if it was 21st century I feel like the narrator would say something more poetic than that. A bad example:
>could give even the everyman a moment's thought!

I don't feel like I have enough experience in what you're aiming for to be able to critique it more. That's not to say I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's just I can't put it to words.

Here is a piece from Gordon Macquarrie that has a similar philosophical/poetic thing to it, I think you could learn a lot from it!

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There is something about rain ... A night in summer when the clouds can swell no more and shrink from threatening battlements to ragged shreds over Wisconsin, I often get up from my chair, go to the big closet and speculate over the implements of trout fishing there. Indeed, there is something about rain. Especially a warm rain, spilled over a city or a network of trout streams, It kindles a spark. It presses a button. It is an urgent message from afar to any seeker of the holy grails of angflingdom-- trout.

There is a mild August rain sluicing down to the thirsty earth. There are the castellated clouds, fresh from the western prairie, borne on the hot, dry land wind. And there is your man of the creel and the rod and the sodden waders going to the window to peer out and plumb the mysteries of the rain and wonder about tomorrow.

It must be that eons ago, when the rain splashed down over the front of a cave door, the muscle-bound troglodyte within went to the opening and stretched out his hand, palm upward. Perhaps he even stood there a bit, as perfectly sane men will sometimes do. Perhaps that old sprig of Adam, restless by his fire in the dry cave, felt the friendliness of the rain. Perhaps--no trouter will deny it--he felt the drops on his matted head and wondered about tomorrow.

The rain can beckon a man of the noisy city and draw him to the door or window. Its attraction is so much greater if falls at night, when it is a whispering mystic from afar that seems to say "Get ready, my friend. I am just brushing by to settle the dust and wash away today's dead spent wings."
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That ending hits very hard, it's also very metaphorical yet vivid, I guess those are the only two areas I think you could look at.

Still, good job. The narrator's got character, and I like that!

I'm going to go ahead and draw the line here, I've got some things I've got to get done today, so any post after this one I'm going to have to pass, sorry!

These three will be my last.

What I want to illustrate is an archaic, scholarly monks thought as accurately as possible. It's difficult though, as I'm trying to portray a wise man without being one myself!

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.

>It sounds like to me you're using the first words that come to your mind.

Well yeah, it's a draft that I just wrote and moved on from.

And what if I'm trying to express a chaotic atmosphere? Is this acceptable?

Any time, friend!

And it's always difficult writing a character wiser/smarter than yourself. The narrator DOES have a personality though, which I like.

If you're trying to express a chaotic atmosphere, you could describe how shadows are getting longer and distorted, how the fire is crackling louder and almost flickering out of the fireplace.
The wind is howling, and the shutters on the windows are slamming, the room is spinning. A bowl falls off and shatters.

of course, those are cliche, but what I'm trying to say is, don't say "it is chaotic"

The atmosphere I got from the draft was that it was dark, there was a fire, and the wind was blowing in the room?

There's a lot of "advanced" stuff, like describing your narrator's mental state through the environment, but the other stuff comes before that.

I'd suggest, whenever you come up with a "phrase" that is 3-5 words, re imagine it so it fits 10-20 words, just as practice. Doesn't have to be any good, as long as it gets you thinking of more eloquent ways to write something.

>She danced in a dress "flowing like silk"
>She moved and her dress fluttered as curtains to the soft breeze of a spring morning.

The first sentence DID get me interested, so it works as a hook. I think it could hit a little harder though. Maybe make it a little more dramatic?
>He skulked into the bathroom and kitchen, as he gathered the essentials for the ritual before he locked himself in the basement: thing#1, thing#2, and a checkered bathrobe still damp from his evening shower--the garments of a warlock.

>and godliness was not on the table tonight.
lol.

>Which was a problem. There were no goats in a 20 mile radius.
lol.

>pentacle
do you mean pentagram?

>a rotary phone.
lol.

Okay, I can't really critique this beyond what I already mentioned. This is funny, childish, but funny. This is the kind of stuff I used to write and laugh to myself and then give up on because I simply wanted to write something more serious.

With that said, I genuinely like this, I'd really like to read more. Aside from "pentacle" and some punctuation issues, i don't see much wrong with it, it does exactly what I think it was meant to do.

This is chuckleworthy. I mean it.

Alright, thanks. It's usually difficult for me to get edits because I'm such a perfectionist and feel like I'm shit at writing, but I appreciate your patience and kindness. Have a nice day :)

Thanks for taking the time, its been lying untouched in the judgment thread for a while so i assumed people didnt really think much of it. Glad you liked it. I agree about the first sentence being a bit bareboned, ill probably add some meat to it. As for the pentacle, blame me skimming wikipedia, i saw a picture and presumed that a pentagram was just the star while a pentacle was the inverted version with a circle. It seems they can be interchangeable so ill just swap the pentacles out so it doesn't confuse people. I'm fairly new so it feels like sticking to funny and lighthearted writting might work best as to avoid overly dramatic/cringy moments. I'm not completely sure where to go with this, originally i was planning to stop as is on an anticlimax, but i'm thinking of doing something like they not really wanting to take his soul, and him growing more and more desperate to sell it.

>pushed
They pushed? Did they roll, or was the boy so heavy that they dug into it? I like the idea of the latter, but it's a little too early to be vague.
The reader can't understand unless they reread the passage.

>the last section
I'll be honest, I think I understand what you're trying to say, but it feels like you don't, as you contradict yourself and the words you use don't support what you're saying.

That's not to say I think I know better than you, I'm saying, whatever you intended, you got across the opposite to me. Why isn't riding that scooter a hobby? Hobbies aren't always enjoyable. Solace from what? Experience what? hobbies?

This final section simply reads very messy to me. I can tell the boy is troubled, and he's likely riding that scooter because he's got nothing/not allowed to have anything else in his life?

I'm certain there's a better way to say that he has nothing else in his life but pressure and riding a tiny scooter, than describing how people enjoy hobbies and how he doesn't get to have enjoyment.

I hope you get what I'm saying and can rethink it a bit.

>him growing more and more desperate to sell it
that sound hilarious!

but I do think ending where you're at is fine just as it is. I imagine its actually something a teenage boy might do. Ending on the phone being answered is very cheeky, and it leaves it up to the reader whether it was real or not.