CRITIQUE THREAD

I enjoyed reading this one quite a bit.

Stanza 7 is fantastic, the conversation works, and the last line got me in the gut. Stanza 8 I might take out "husk" because the reader knows what "the word crept up/ again" means and Stanza 9 opens with "Husk".

I don't know if the protagonist needs a name, the poem might work without it and it came off as kind of cheesy to me.

In stanza 10 the first line could be removed without lessening impact of anything or hindering comprehension.

Last stanza and especially last line is very good. I'd read more of your stuff

Idi makes eye
contact with the
rats through the wall.

I'm laying on the
floor and she walks
up next to m head
Jumps onto my bed
and finds a better
vantage point from
the back of our
futon

I have a big playlist
of everything I liked
enough to put into a
playlist from 9th grade
12th grade
and onward.

On the floor,
with cat,
a box of wheat thins
seltzer
and that sad thing
as my soundtrack

In the crushed grass,
The expunged clovers,
And the beaten leaves,
Our red velvet lies.

Your locks caress my stomach,
Your tongue my loins.
On my hot breath
The forest hears my cries.

i'm not a huge fan of the tiny/sprawling comparison, the image is really aromantic. framing it as people who fill the space but somehow find room apart on the bed is more interesting imo.

"in the middle" feels completely unnecessary to me. i really love the imagery of churning fabric though.

the entire second verse confuses me, the implication is that their coldness is a result of destroying the declaration of war? that seems inverted, that the declaration would be the person rolling, not that the rolling would be a response to the other tearing up a declaration of war.

title definitely sucks for this poem, "nightcrawler" already has several specific meanings and none of them are the sorts of things you want to be bringing to this poem.

Here's two poems:

======================================

Earth was empty, without color or hue,
Without wondrous views, without things to do.

You painted the sky a gorgeous berry blue,
I rolled out carpets of green grass wet with dew.
You planted heaventrees where pearl-white stars grew,
I tied hammocks to the branches to hold us two.

Children may cry, lovers may lie,
All I know for sure is that one day we die.

But now it’s just you and me and the sky,
So we kick back and watch shapeless clouds roll on by.

======================================

Before the world’s whole shit got this dire,
Before the oceans got drier,
Before elected liars,
Before cigar-smoking folk in formal attire,
Before cities got denser and buildings got higher,
Before dictators found broken people to inspire,
Before we found all the land we could acquire,
Before Napoleon’s best-laid plans went haywire,
Before Gregorian choirs,
Before fiefs, serfs, nobles, sires,
Before Jesus, the Roman Empire,

Nude chimps huddled near campfires,
Storytelling.

======================================

last line made me chuckle. the "then you're good for nothing" line comes off a little too incisive. why make value judgments? are poets supposed to preach?

Second verse is a lot stronger than the second. "and shed this tedious spell" is a really obscure way of saying what you mean which makes me think you're restricted by having to rhyme with line 2's "well." So you can switch up the language of line 2, which right now imo is too plainsong to match the language of the rest of the poem.

I second what and said

thanks for the input. I meant 'in the middle' as contrast to corners in the earlier line, but agree that it is unnecessary.

I think you're also right about the tiny/sprawling thing, but to explain myself it came from this image in my head of like a whole room sized bed where the sleeping lovers would find themselves in distant corners from eachother or laying at odd angles due to the sheer size of the place, but that image is not at the core of the poem I guess.

Second verse is about one waking to find the other far away in the same bed, mostly what I wanted to get at was two people that love eachother being scared shitless in the night thinking that they've ruined their relationship or lost love somehow by something they did or said in sleep but don't remember. I think I can fix it having typed this out.

Lastly, I know the title is shit.

Thanks again

Also I would like the reader to understand that this is two people that are in love, but insecure about the other's love for them. Rolling over in your sleep is seeking physical comfort rather than giving your SO the cold shoulder in this case. The conflict is only in both of their heads. Does it do that? What else could I do?

Here's slightly edited version

Two tiny lovers
(they toss and turn at night)
Receding to ball up in cold cotton corners
like gathering armies
Or to crash together like great waves
in churning whirlpools of warm fabric

Spaces above sleep
and in half woke dreams where
Cold conflicts are invented feverishly—
Her curling away
or his rolling over
Abandoned for things said
accidentally aloud, or
only in dreams?

Only for her to break softly
on his shores
His ships to find warm waters
in her harbors
Cold sheets turned
to sleepless reunions
Never quite remembered
in the morning

In faith of you, my image remains true
Despite the idolatry that sways man,
And when heaven does break, the sky of blue
Shows the fairest of faces you began
While the climb of your eye sits aside twelve
And the clouds sit based, at your feet of gold,
You provide the steps; the heart does dare delve
To hope, yet memory reminds of old:
And tender hearts are scarred by lovely lips
And time’s stain cut deep into memory;
Do starry nights share hope or fall amiss
At the thought of sweet love’s truest beauty?
And if the pious do fall from graces,
Let verse free him, to gaze at heaven’s faces.

Thoughts on this?

Best ITT

same guy as before, i think if you want to sell the image of the expansive, room sized bed, you should lead with that. before, it read as though the bed were sprawling when compared to the tiny lovers, rather than the other way around.

the updated 2nd verse is definitely clearer about the intended meaning, but it's really on the nose now. i think working in the war theme, to tie it to "gathering armies" is probably a good decision, it was just overcomplicated in the original execution imo.

also, "gathering navies" might work better for the oceanic analogy that runs through the poem.