Culinary confession thread

Every time i cook a mediocre dish and start insulting it to the people i served it to, they think I'm doing this and start complimenting the dish, when actually i don't give a fuck what they think, I'm just embarrassed to serve something that's less than perfect.

As long as you wash after using the bathroom, it's all good

When I cook for people I care about, unless I live with them, I play it safe with stuff I really know how to make. Whenever I get into something totally new its just me and the wife until I can comfortably make it without a recipe in front of me. Right now its curries/tikka masala, its good but I need to get to where I can do it from memory
/'tism

I scrape the mold off food that has been sitting in my fridge for a very long time and eat it.

What do you do with the food after you eat the mold?

I once dropped a cooked wing on the floor, rinsed it off, and threw it back in the deep fryer..

I don't cook.

I only know how to cook two meals

I can't make eggs

Maybe you're a rooster.

I can make the most convoluted stuff the first time every time. I fuck up eggs and grilled cheese all the damn time.

I cook decently but I'm so lazy that I eat chili and rice 40% of the time.

I can't cook anything more complicated than an omelette without a recipe

I reuse my pans four or five times without washing them

If my friends ask if they can help I usually say no unless it's something really basic like cutting potatoes into bite size pieces because my friends are slops who don't give a shit about cooking and if they in any way fuck up my dish I will resent them for it

> asked buddies to cut potatoes yesterday
> still managed to fuck it up by not sticking to a size

When I was 11, I was cooking Kraft mac and cheese for me and my 2 cousins to eat for lunch. One cousin was being a total asshole to his sister and I, so we took turns spitting in his bowl of mac and cheese before serving it to him. He had no idea what we did even though his """"cheese"""" sauce was like 50% spit and snot. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, and also one of the hardest times holding back laughter while watching him eat it.

I started cooking because the few recipes I knew got me laid but sometimes I wanted to hit it for a few weeks and eventually a bitch'll figure you out if you cook the same 2 meals over and over.

Same reason I learned to play the guitar. It's not that sex is hard to come by, but they're rabid when you romance them and I'm not selfish.

#ClosetSaint

I strain my ramen

i eat raw bratwurst. the stoned german

I tell people I love cooking but I really only cook like twice a week and just eat leftovers for the rest of the week because I'm too lazy.

How do you know they think that?

Is that bad? Not baiting, I actually do that all the time

ramen strains the mountaintops

I have eaten raw meats of all types for 17 years and have never had a foodborne illness or parasites.

i do like instant ramen ;;

Depending on where you live this isn't exactly uncommon.

I don't use garlic.

I know it's delicious, and I absolutely should use it, but I always forget to buy it.

enjoy your bowel cancer

Because I've had people half-jokingly say I'm fishing for compliments when I do it.

Some meats, sure but I eat supermarket chicken breasts raw occasionally.

I'm French and I barely cook French food. I'm always fiddling with Chinese, Italian and Indian foods.

I don't even know more than 2 or 3 actual French recipes tbqh.

Microwaves are shit for popping corn because the kernels are so much shorter than the microwaves. That's why there's always some unpopped kernels. A lone kernel will never pop in there unless the surface it's sitting on gets very hot.

i can't cook for shit

>if you love something you have to do it all the time

But why?

The only stake I like to eat is well done. I hate all other stakes, and if I even see a speck of pink meat, I send it back

I've left garlic out of recipes before simply because I hate peeling and mincing it.

I own a very good restaurant. Rated #1 in our area on TripAdvisor and Yelp etc. and here I am posting on Veeky Forums. It's a love hate relationship. Some days I'm extremely motivate, today I'd like to burn it to the ground. I wouldn't be upset if a handful of my employees got trapped as it goes down in flames. At this point there are less motivated days than there are arsonist feeling days. We do have really good food that I'm proud of.

I'd cook everyday if I had a motherfucking dishwasher!

Dishwashers are over rated. Unless you have a large family dirtying tons of shit and quickly. I've always found it easier just to clean as I cook and not let shit pile up. On more than one occasion I've found dishes getting moldy in the washer before I even fill it enough to be worth running.

Underrated post

keep it that way
make the world a better place

i want to own a pub

You do not comprehend the dimension of loathing I harbor for cleaning dishes.

We once did this minor catering thing years ago that had duck and pork...somethings. They were pastries stuffed with meat that all looked identical. I had one person on the line tell me- "these are the duck, these are the pork" and then another person tell me the opposite. So people come by asking for duck or pork because they can't/don't want to eat pork. To this day, I have no idea which is which- and neither did they.

They didn't complain or notice.

"Oh I don't like pork."
(eats it anyway)

Jack?

I boil most of my water in the microwave.

dumb seppo

I'm not gay but I taste my own semen everyday.

It's became a habit.

I work at a local pizza place. They guy who makes the dough is really hairy. Sometimes I find his arm hair infused in the dough. I just pick it off and use it anyways

Hey now, needy shittyness knows no age or gender.

cus i eat lots of eggs and have tried wonderful things in the past that need announcing, from mexico and japan

>well that dish was alright except for x
>yea user next time we should really change x and do it differently
I put you in charge of x, that was your one fucking job and now you're trying to share ownership? This shit pisses me off to no end and I do my best to be supportive but they just don't give a duck about cooking and they're just trying to hang out. That's fine, we can hang out without you besmirching my dish as well, pull up a chair.

>Joined a culinary programme at a local uni
>Can't cook, cut, nor do anything culinary-wise
>I can manage a team however so that's something

Examples
Midterm practicals, team leader puts me in charge of making Spaghetti Bolognese. Pasta was still raw, ragu was underseasoned, and during service when I was trying to reheat the ragu, I burnt it.

I take my own time to cut anything. A usual julienne potato for my classmates would tske around a minute/potato. I'd spend 3+minutes trying to remember how to cut julienne.

You're so autistic, you're going to add up the numbers to see if they make 100.

Are you me?
>>Burn rice every time

I once raped a melon.

They probably are just trying to calm down your autism attack over 'cooking' ramen noodles and mcchickens.

My primary cooking mediums are
>ceramic pan on the stove
>non-stick griddle
>aluminum foil in the oven

Then there's the microwave. I make oats, canned peas&green beans, rice, "baked" potato, and broccoli in there.

I can only make myself a meal if I'm using a frying pan and saucepan, and I can only make meals consisting of some form of meat and bell peppers paired with some form of carb a la pasta, noodles or rice.

I cannot make a smooth cheddar sauce.

No matter how many tries i've made, no matter what cheeses I blended it with. It's always come out as grainy. The closest i've come is to have the grains so small I was the only one who bothered noticing, but I still noticed, and it's just not good enough.

One time I left a plastic measuring cup on a stovetop at high heat. Didn't realize until my apartment was filling up with black smoke. It's a miracle I didn't set off the fire alarm.

You need to use an unaged cheddar, very young.
The graininess you're getting is from lactate crystals that form as cheese ages.

>An unaged cheddar.
Didn't think about that, i thought i could get away with blending.Thanks user, I'll have to keep a look out for that next time I'm shopping.

Glad to have helped.
Right, back to shitposting and calling out retards.

When you buy garlic, peel it all at once and keep the cloves in a sealed container in your fridge. Saves so much time and mess.

t. every food industry worker ever

One time I dropped a tender on the ground, the order needed to go out, I picked it up, threw it back in the frier for like a minute and sent it out

I'm too chicken shit to quit my job and join a restaurant. I know I'm a great cook, but not sure if I want to get into the industry, I know I'd be good and would do well in that career, but I haven't made the step forward.

Even going part time somewhere. It'd be easy to do since I work early morning shifts 0430-1300.

I fucking hate washing dishes.

I still do it, of course, but it's so fucking annoying.

put it in a brown paper bag instead

I eat four cloves of garlic before going to sleep. I eat a head of garlic in a day. My sweat smells like garlic, my shit smells like garlic, and my hair smells like garlic. My main garlic meal is six large cloves, fushimi chilli, a whole Scotch bonnet pepper, all freshly sliced, with a can of oysters, a can of sardines, and three eggs. I add a dash of vinegar and salt to the meal, as well as a tbsp of honey to cut the heat. I'm pretty sure this amount of garlic alters my mood somehow, I feel more confident.

I'm dating a vegan. I told him I was cutting back on the amount of meat I'm eating, but I still eat meat at lunch like 3 times a week.

You're going to Hell for your dishonesty, JFYI.

Tell him nothing, consume nourishing flesh and become stronger

I bet he wouldn't appreciate you pressuring him to eat meat, so why do you put up with him pressuring you not to? If he's that much of a megalomaniac, who tells you how to eat, then drop his ass and do what you want without guilt. Or stay with him and do what you want, who is anyone to tell you what to eat?

do you by any chance live in new jersey

wait what

Oh, he's never asked me to stop eating meat. I just told him I was cutting down because I thought it would make him happy -- he's like WAY out of my league but apparently loves me, but makes me paranoid that he'll come to his senses one day and leave me lol

I didn't even see this till the other user posted, and I concur, what the fuck?

>climax

What deprecated phrasing

I do it with ice cubes

Same here user, you're not alone.

If you work in food service, go fuck yourself.

I mostly invent my own recipes but 90 percent of them are shit, I don't think I've learned a thing about how cooking actually works

Why do you think he's "out of your league"? If a person loves you and you love them back, that's what matters. Not this league bullshit. I'd advise taking a good introspective look at yourself and those around you to try and figure out where this insecurity comes from. Identifying the problem is the first step to solving it.

I cook and eat super healthy food all the time. It's summer now and I have a lot of kale in the garden which I eat like 3+ times a week. I try to avoid sugars, don't really snack.

But I'm still very overweight because I binge eat cause of depression. I just go for seconds and thirds until I feel all bloated and shitty...

I use a prepackaged white gravy mix to make sos.

there is nothing wrong with this

am professional chef. RARELY wash hands during a 12 hr shift.

Absolutely disgusting