Post the first line of your story/book
Others rate/critique or say if they would want to read the rest based on that line.
Mine's shit but I'll start to get the ball rolling
>He gazed out his window at the glowing blue orb; This was his favorite time to see it, when the sun was directly behind, making the entire sphere luminous; And though he knew he would never return, (which was for the best) the view never lost its appeal.
Ever since the death of her grandfather, Alice could no longer sleep peacefully.
Most people stumble from tragedy to tragedy -- birth being the first of them, setting the rest in motion, one after the other, all the way till the end -- believing the misery of life to be preferable to permanence of death; I have made it my life's work to change their minds.
"Oh, grandmother!" I exclaimed as my lascivious rectum was filled up to the brim with Dr Pepper.
no
yes
no
yes
I haven't even totally decided which narrator/narrative arc to open with yet, let alone the first line. That'll probably be the last thing I write.
I have a good "bit" playing with the cliché, "Waking up" thing but I'm not sure it's really right for the book.
They were waiting for the end of the world.
WAY too long. The second line had butter suck my dick and make me breakfast the next morning, if it wants me to keep reading.
Meh. Again, the second line would make or break it.
Not a fan of super extended sentences for the beginning. Be concise.
... Nope.
Intriguing. I'd keep going, see where it went.
It wasn't every day that a king died.
I read this in a thread recently of the worst opening sentence you can think of.
I hope it's not your real attempt
>
>Intriguing. I'd keep going, see where it went.
They were waiting for the end of the world.
The precise time and date had been set long ago: X-day, 7:00 am. July 5th. After that day had come and gone it was just a matter of getting the year right; until that happened, it was an occasion for end-of-the-world parties.
Elif na Roche - formerly John Matthew Lee - hadn't taken any of it seriously until his abduction; he'd been shown the reality of the situation through the always effective medium of personal experience. He had once believed the whole SubGenius thing was a joke, a parody of millennial saucer cults with science fiction and fantasy elements thrown in. Actual abduction by honest-to-God flying saucer aliens, being kept in a cage in a rack along with dozens of other creatures, being threatened with live vivisection and having other terrible things done to him had made it all too immediate to laugh at.
He hadn't taken it well.
Once he was over the worst of the shock he'd abandoned his mundane identity; burned his credit cards, changed his name and hidden in a safe cocoon of hermetically self-contained paranoia for two years before he came across other SubGenii who'd been abducted. It was one thing to look up at the stars and think humanity would be exploring them one day and quite another to realise it was already very crowded out there, crowded with things that made humanity look like a cluster of dazed cheese mites by comparison. He dealt with it, mostly, but it was the sort of bump in the road of life that left a permanent bend in your front axle.
He could feel it in his stumps again.
I'm sorry to say it, but it kinda went downhill. It's the same sort of thing I ran into at first, too many super long sentences. I had to neuter the shit out of my prose in order to make it readable.
Here's a different way of doing it, one you might consider;
~ ~ ~
Once he was over the worst of the shock, he abandoned his mundane identity. He burned his credit cards, changed his name and hid in a safe cocoon of hermetically self-contained paranoia. It was two years before he came across another SubGenii who'd been abducted.
It was one thing to look up at the stars and think that one day, humanity would be exploring them. It was quite another to realise it was already very crowded out there, and crowded with things that made humanity look like a cluster of dazed cheese mites by comparison. He dealt with it well, for the most part, but it was the sort of bump in the road of life that left a permanent bend in your front axle.
I missed a comma here:
He burned his credit cards, changed his name, and hid in a safe cocoon of hermetically self-contained paranoia. It was two years before he came across another SubGenii who'd been abducted.
too late. it's being published some time next month, as is. the editors disagreed with you.
Well, gratz on the publishing deal. Who did you go through? Any title I should be on the lookout for?
The Pacific hemisphere of the Earth is in oblivious dawning.
Okay but not enough. Even for a fabtasy universe, a king dying is kind of trite as an opener
The only good one so far.
Eh. I generally try to give it a page or two before I give up.
Sure.
Might just be personal taste, but I feel like these sentences are far too run-on, especially for the opening of anything. There's more impact in brief openers.
Feels pretty generic. If you're putting a twist on the trope of opening with dead royalty, I'd let it slide if the next few paragraphs tell me as much. Otherwise, I'd have little interest to continue.
Okay lit, OP here, how about just
He gazed longingly at his old home.
Why do you guys even write? You are all hacks.
Is this what projection looks like?
>not realizing that I purposefully write schlock that I share with Veeky Forums to encourage them all and the feelings I get from this are the source material for my real magnum opus, which is an absurdist pastiche of The Idiot
"Upon the eighth of June, in the year seventeen-hundred-ninety-five, the news of my death became public knowledge. Apparently, that day was a Monday."
When Loris awakened, he found himself in his little sister's bed. Her back is to him as she sleeps soundly beside him. Sapphire's beautiful slender figure is evident even upon looking at her backside lying in bed.
Loris takes a moment to realize his situation and how he'll have to discuss it with his sister later. Looking at her now, there was no way he could feel regret. Her petite, prepubescent body; her wonderful scent; and her adorable laugh were all absolutely irresistible. The moment Loris finally felt Sapphire's sweet, soft skin against his own was the most exciting and satisfying moment of his life. He had fantasized the day for years until at last, in a moment of consolation, he took things a bit further then either of them expected.
When Sapphire came to him in tears he knew something was amiss. Usually stoic and independent, his sister had never shown such emotion, at least not to him.
Yet loris could clearly see the pain in her face and the desperation in her voice, the night before. She had tried to be strong for so long, but no longer could she hold back her sorrow. "Just hold me. I don't wanna talk about it. Please just hold me", his sister pleaded.
And so he held her. Tightly against his body, his hands rubbing her small soft back gently then becoming more passionate as he cupped her butt. She wasn't surprised as Loris expected. She rubbed her head against his chest in approval of his groping. "Mmm, big brother. I like when you hold me tightly. And it feels good when you grab me in places mom and dad taught me were wrong."
Loris, ever so excited that his little sister liked his touch responded, "Well, I like having you in my arms and taking care of you and touching you in all the right places. It feels good, doesn't it?"
Loris now moved his hand to her vagina...
'Tis hwat 'tis hwat 'tis. 'Twas a hwirligig and pain. Poor fel-low Pedro, to marry, fool, to marry Mar-jorine, but got burned, and died too.
Salt.
try something different, i'm not really feeling it.
what kind of story would this be an introduction to?
What it reads like:
Welcome to my book. My name is Author McGee and I'm about to drop some heavy loads. So here we go:
Chapter 1.
He gazed longingly at his old home. Whew. Now isn't this a sorrowful calamity. Shall we continue?
It was the best of times, it was the Blurst of times.
Earths gonna be destroyed soon (all humans have left) and he wants to get back just once before its destroyed
[Character] stared at the wall.
>Daniel crumples and folds--the white page lies balled on the table before him, its jagged form scarred by jumbled strokes of graphite. Each a silent reminder of his failure, his failures, lashing at his tender back.
so is he on earth or somewhere else looking at his home from a great distance?
The debris laid strewn upon the banks, as the survivors clutched the frozen earth, pulling themselves ashore; while the remainder of their vessel along with several lifeless bodies drifted down river, into the rapids and disappeared amongst that black water.
Hes somewhere else looking at the earth from a great distance
I walked over to the two girls, one of whom I knew; She would be my opening; My own personal opening; I want to tie her up in my basement and fuck her; As I approached the two I realized that I didn’t know the name of the girl I knew; I don’t really know anybody's name though so this was just an oversight which I should’ve seen coming; I decided to talk to them anyway as it would look odd to change course now that I’d begun walking over; As I was arriving at the girls and before I could open my mouth, the girl I knew from somewhere opened hers; ‘Hey, Neil. Are you in the debate?’ ‘Ya I am.’ I mumbled; How do I keep this going ‘I’m looking forward to it’ she continued; What a retard; “The topic is whether niggers should have the vote”. I told them; They giggled or laughed; One giggled, the other laughed; The one who was giggling asked whether I was affirmative while the familiar one who was laughing simmered to a giggle; I told her “I always am” rather seriously; This wasn’t true and she didn’t seem embarrassed; Rather suddenly the whole room stopped talking and the girls were staring at someone across the room and behind me; I supposed I should turn around but I thought it would be more fun to keep talking to the girls; “What reasonable defense can be given for why a nigger should vote?” I continued; The girls looked at me with confused horror; Now that everyone was hopefully staring at me, I reluctantly turned to face the guy; It was some racially ambiguous upperclassmen whom I didn’t know. “Are you my opponent?” I asked him;
>first line
Jemand musste Josef K. verleumdet haben, denn ohne daß er etwas Böses getan hätte, wurde er eines Morgens verhaftet.
...
There's like this thing that happens sometimes.
Suddenly, graves sprang open everywhere in the streets like peapods.
Hi mommy, hi daddy! Are you proud of me? I'm a messy little all spit covered whore.
>Hi mommy, hi daddy! Are you proud of me? I'm a messy little all spit covered whore.
3 sentences what a retard
see me
High speed service to anywhere in the prefecture was still a few years away, and it would be decades before it came this far out, so he watched the mountains and the bay drift by at regular speed.
I stepped out onto the midway. I was looking for the pirate ship, and saw this small, old white tent at one end. It was blue, and had white lights hanging all around it. I decided to check out the tent, it seemed like I could hear music coming from inside. As I walked toward it, I passed a crowd of people at the sideshow. I couldn't figure out why they would want to wait in line.
Three days ago I stripped naked and laid down on my kitchen floor, determined to stay there until I died.
Occasionally, men who devote themselves to truth find themselves devoted to something much older.
What is it?
Sex.
Once upon a time.
First of all, existence is an illusion.
Holy... I want more
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times
CRASH! Mom made pancakes.
I had decided that day to leave, and father stood in the doorway for once.
A jet black pillar of smoke belly danced its way into the air.
In the centre of the great hall there was an old apple tree, surrounded by a golden fence.
My dog had a nice pussy- I had to admit.
Canadian reporting in
Don't capitalize after a semicolon.
aw wtf i had a teacher once that told me to always capitalize after a semi-colon, cuz i didnt used to. I took her word for it because im a fuckin retard i guess
one stanza makes a sentence, right?
>bursting luminescence delivering
>stout figure kneeled before
>"Thou art my Sovereign,
>I am thine to command"
interested in an unusual way
half-interested
interested
not interested
well written but not interested
The man's sleeve bent like the arm inside was broken, and a metal spider lurked at the exit, all six legs dancing in time on the bar-top.
I have to dock points, because "CRASH!" is its own sentence.
A masterpiece otherwise, I want more.