Poem thread? Poem thread

You know the drill. Post content, and critique other people's content.

YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL IT'S STUPID

i listen to the birds and it fills me with contempt
that they could sing so sweetly, without effort
it is stupid for something so thoughtless,
produced by cold genomes,
and whatever the bird equivalent of vanity is,
to be so nice.
and that's how your beauty appears to me.
you do not even seem to be aware of it
or at the very least you have grown accustomed to it,
the way everybody is accustomed to birdsongs in the morning,
or like a canyon that you drive by every day on your way to work.
a stupid, empty thing devoid of thought or relevance
marvelous to look at
that's what your beauty is.

pic unrelated

You're gay.

You're Jay.

i'm trying to win a poetry contest. post heterosexual poems pls

less "i" and "you," more "a statue of marie antoinette" and "the great insomniac vulture"

this feels like you haven't edited much at all. There are some glimmers here and there
>and whatever the bird equivalent of vanity is,
>everybody is accustomed to birdsongs in the morning,
but they're muddled by a contrived attempt at sounding conversational and this pointless need to tell the reader what the poem is about.

pic-related is mine

reported

Your cheek is warm upon my lip
As my heart beats like summer rain
A loud refreshing passion
Gone as fast as came
I close my eyes to pretend to be
the stranger right beside you
Not this love lost boy at sea
Now take these words as my kiss
Tonight upon your brow my love
Rest your ear to my chest
Drift in dreams of which we're blessed
and let the light fade away
To another suns, another day.

Pretty good but the "and feel" is a weak line and makes the poem melodramatic. Move it up to the preceding line, don't break it. Should work better.

My rhythmic sensibilities are being anally fuck (not in a good way) by your poem