You know the drill. Post content, and critique other people's content.
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL IT'S STUPID
i listen to the birds and it fills me with contempt that they could sing so sweetly, without effort it is stupid for something so thoughtless, produced by cold genomes, and whatever the bird equivalent of vanity is, to be so nice. and that's how your beauty appears to me. you do not even seem to be aware of it or at the very least you have grown accustomed to it, the way everybody is accustomed to birdsongs in the morning, or like a canyon that you drive by every day on your way to work. a stupid, empty thing devoid of thought or relevance marvelous to look at that's what your beauty is.
pic unrelated
Jonathan Brooks
You're gay.
Julian Johnson
You're Jay.
Leo Brooks
i'm trying to win a poetry contest. post heterosexual poems pls
David Hill
less "i" and "you," more "a statue of marie antoinette" and "the great insomniac vulture"
Christian Nguyen
this feels like you haven't edited much at all. There are some glimmers here and there >and whatever the bird equivalent of vanity is, >everybody is accustomed to birdsongs in the morning, but they're muddled by a contrived attempt at sounding conversational and this pointless need to tell the reader what the poem is about.
pic-related is mine
Luke Moore
reported
Nicholas Diaz
Your cheek is warm upon my lip As my heart beats like summer rain A loud refreshing passion Gone as fast as came I close my eyes to pretend to be the stranger right beside you Not this love lost boy at sea Now take these words as my kiss Tonight upon your brow my love Rest your ear to my chest Drift in dreams of which we're blessed and let the light fade away To another suns, another day.
Carson James
Pretty good but the "and feel" is a weak line and makes the poem melodramatic. Move it up to the preceding line, don't break it. Should work better.
Easton Morales
My rhythmic sensibilities are being anally fuck (not in a good way) by your poem
Bentley Kelly
But there's already a critique thread. Just because your poem got slated there doesn't mean it's a good idea to start a new thread.
Ethan White
Went to smoke a fag It burns it pushes Ash stained plow and graze meager wage inhaling another drag
(under the suspicioun everything I create is awful)
Hearts nurture Still abreast Lovingly search her Hill crest.
Ethan Mitchell
This is the purest garbage
Dylan Gray
give me actual critque you shitter, tell me WHY im garbage
Thanks! that makes sense
Its pretty clear you are being pointlessly provoking with 'fag', but otherwise, this doesn't seem to go anywhere for me
This reads just like a list of adjectives, and the rhyme doesn't really feel like its doing anything for the piece
Liam Powell
The egg is about to hatch, but thanks.
Found listed on this Thread which reads: Adjectives are just More or the like, By the letter A.
Relational A list Duties made of Bonded adjectives Too bland and Carried to the Time to rhyme.
One dozen doesn't Freely be really Faithfully feel, More or like, Or rather it; should be doing when any thing goes for the The Piece.
peace
Gabriel Allen
I don't know how to critique your pretentious trash. Maybe don't press tab so much. Let us hope growing past the turbulent age of 15 will cure your literary stupidity
Aiden Wright
>Agist Scum
Are you one of those people say that young people don't "know" love.
They are the product of love, and required love to be civillizied. Fuck outliers they always exist but like most animals are completely dependent on their parents survival.
Jackson Foster
I kind of agree with him, though he called my poem trash; you're just very very pretentious.
John Flores
For poetry to be good it must be the best. It's far too subjective of an art for amateur work to be praised.
Jose Foster
was that so hard? do the tabs make it pretentious for you alone, or do the language/length have something to do with it? At least he finally gave me a concrete issue, you're just insulting me
Ryan Rivera
Pretty good. I did a poem much like this and it's hard to get something good using only evocations. I'd suggest more vivid imagery when going for something like this. Stay away from lines like "natures design" and "ethereally simple" and stay focused on the more concrete imagery that, well, evokes; such as your middle "stanza" and final three lines. You're working with minimal words so you need the most powerful of them. Here's what I did for mine, it's very experimental:
>Evocations of the Suns
Rose petals bright red. The afterglow of day. Swells of salty air. Quiet applauding waves.
Plump and juicy orange. Slice crush mushing gushing. Spritz of aromatic zest. Mouth flooding foretaste.
Glowing molten heart. Dark veins of dirt. Mountain of bones. Grass-green skin, sky-blue mind, bright golden sun.
Don't worry about the aesthetics of the piece and worry about the content. Kinda like what said, though obviously not as strawman. It really isn't that bad. But why did you indent that third stanza? It doesn't really show a broken reflection, even though it's a break from the structure. It's very ambiguous in it's interpretation and overall, unnecessary.
Here's mine I'd like critiqued: >The Forge
Drumsticks matched with matchsticks drum erupting snares of embers. Alternating and pulsating orbs of rhythmic fires conjure bursting storms of sparks becoming twisters dancing spirals.
Summon me my will to be, You frantic beating meter! Tell me now, Hephaestus, how Dionysus helps me neither! This blazing pounding scares me not of burning bloody ether. Chaos born was Eros, Surely so could we together.
Twisting body-coals ablaze my thoughts can see no other. Exhausted, forging hammers stay and fires start to smother. Cooling off, though not all froze My mind returns to me. I strike a match and light a bone as ash falls to glowing screen.
Hudson Morris
>SAUCE, SAUCE NAOW SOLDIER!
Levi Bell
to me it's just words put together for no reason Pooled glass to describe water is nice, that's about it the rest makes no sense and even if it does to you it's nothing special
Owen Lee
a Law upheld since time immemorial once broken, Eternally shunned into lore. a pixel of want Twinned with the whit of a glint is more than the Glee of the glint you are glimpsing in oracular Opacity. stifle sobs and softly go. dimminuendo.
Thomas Hall
this would work as satire. Use less big or obscure words - because otherwise it is just pretense. To wake each day in trembling dread Shocked at the madness of the eve See that hope of pride is dead And shame never offers reprieve. One day a man: good and beloved The next become a lesser thing Is wretched just now what I am Or the product of a strong drink? Bubbling frenzy; bottomless woe What joy and love you sometimes give The light, the dark; the high, the low The best of life; the wish to never live. And though I hate myself and you If I said I'd stop, it wouldn't be true.
Xavier Barnes
i like your second poem quite a bit, you have a good sense of rhythm. You might benefit from trying to adhere to stricter form, as i think following rules would stop you from slipping into the occasional messy line with clunky syllables
Gabriel Adams
How to make good poems?
I have a lot I want to convey but my knowledge of poetry doesnt go past haikus and elementary stuff because lolhomeschooled.