Poem thread? Poem thread

You know the drill. Post content, and critique other people's content.

YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL IT'S STUPID

i listen to the birds and it fills me with contempt
that they could sing so sweetly, without effort
it is stupid for something so thoughtless,
produced by cold genomes,
and whatever the bird equivalent of vanity is,
to be so nice.
and that's how your beauty appears to me.
you do not even seem to be aware of it
or at the very least you have grown accustomed to it,
the way everybody is accustomed to birdsongs in the morning,
or like a canyon that you drive by every day on your way to work.
a stupid, empty thing devoid of thought or relevance
marvelous to look at
that's what your beauty is.

pic unrelated

You're gay.

You're Jay.

i'm trying to win a poetry contest. post heterosexual poems pls

less "i" and "you," more "a statue of marie antoinette" and "the great insomniac vulture"

this feels like you haven't edited much at all. There are some glimmers here and there
>and whatever the bird equivalent of vanity is,
>everybody is accustomed to birdsongs in the morning,
but they're muddled by a contrived attempt at sounding conversational and this pointless need to tell the reader what the poem is about.

pic-related is mine

reported

Your cheek is warm upon my lip
As my heart beats like summer rain
A loud refreshing passion
Gone as fast as came
I close my eyes to pretend to be
the stranger right beside you
Not this love lost boy at sea
Now take these words as my kiss
Tonight upon your brow my love
Rest your ear to my chest
Drift in dreams of which we're blessed
and let the light fade away
To another suns, another day.

Pretty good but the "and feel" is a weak line and makes the poem melodramatic. Move it up to the preceding line, don't break it. Should work better.

My rhythmic sensibilities are being anally fuck (not in a good way) by your poem

But there's already a critique thread. Just because your poem got slated there doesn't mean it's a good idea to start a new thread.

Went to smoke a fag
It burns it pushes
Ash stained
plow and graze
meager wage
inhaling another drag


(under the suspicioun everything I create is awful)

Nestled

Ethereally simple
Blissful hips
Aural dimples
Natures design

Moist grove
Horn blows
Forest trove
Aurum glows

Hearts nurture
Still abreast
Lovingly search her
Hill crest.

This is the purest garbage

give me actual critque you shitter, tell me WHY im garbage

Thanks! that makes sense

Its pretty clear you are being pointlessly provoking with 'fag', but otherwise, this doesn't seem to go anywhere for me

This reads just like a list of adjectives, and the rhyme doesn't really feel like its doing anything for the piece

The egg is about to hatch, but thanks.

Found listed on this
Thread which reads:
Adjectives are just
More or the like,
By the letter A.

Relational A list
Duties made of
Bonded adjectives
Too bland and
Carried to the
Time to rhyme.

One dozen doesn't
Freely be really
Faithfully feel,
More or like,
Or rather it;
should be doing
when any thing
goes for
the The
Piece.

peace

I don't know how to critique your pretentious trash. Maybe don't press tab so much.
Let us hope growing past the turbulent age of 15 will cure your literary stupidity

>Agist Scum

Are you one of those people say that young people don't "know" love.

They are the product of love, and required love to be civillizied. Fuck outliers they always exist but like most animals are completely dependent on their parents survival.

I kind of agree with him, though he called my poem trash; you're just very very pretentious.

For poetry to be good it must be the best. It's far too subjective of an art for amateur work to be praised.

was that so hard? do the tabs make it pretentious for you alone, or do the language/length have something to do with it?
At least he finally gave me a concrete issue, you're just insulting me

Pretty good. I did a poem much like this and it's hard to get something good using only evocations. I'd suggest more vivid imagery when going for something like this. Stay away from lines like "natures design" and "ethereally simple" and stay focused on the more concrete imagery that, well, evokes; such as your middle "stanza" and final three lines. You're working with minimal words so you need the most powerful of them. Here's what I did for mine, it's very experimental:

>Evocations of the Suns

Rose petals bright red.
The afterglow of day.
Swells of salty air.
Quiet applauding waves.

Plump and juicy orange.
Slice crush mushing gushing.
Spritz of aromatic zest.
Mouth flooding foretaste.

Glowing molten heart.
Dark veins of dirt.
Mountain of bones.
Grass-green skin, sky-blue mind, bright golden sun.

Don't worry about the aesthetics of the piece and worry about the content. Kinda like what said, though obviously not as strawman. It really isn't that bad. But why did you indent that third stanza? It doesn't really show a broken reflection, even though it's a break from the structure. It's very ambiguous in it's interpretation and overall, unnecessary.

Here's mine I'd like critiqued:
>The Forge

Drumsticks matched with matchsticks
drum erupting snares of embers.
Alternating and pulsating
orbs of rhythmic fires
conjure bursting storms of sparks
becoming twisters dancing spirals.

Summon me my will to be,
You frantic beating meter!
Tell me now, Hephaestus, how
Dionysus helps me neither!
This blazing pounding scares me not
of burning bloody ether.
Chaos born was Eros,
Surely so could we together.

Twisting body-coals ablaze
my thoughts can see no other.
Exhausted, forging hammers stay
and fires start to smother.
Cooling off, though not all froze
My mind returns to me.
I strike a match and light a bone
as ash falls to glowing screen.

>SAUCE, SAUCE NAOW SOLDIER!

to me it's just words put together for no reason
Pooled glass to describe water is nice, that's about it the rest makes no sense and even if it does to you it's nothing special

a Law upheld since time immemorial
once broken, Eternally shunned into lore.
a pixel of want Twinned with the whit of a glint
is more
than the Glee of the glint you are glimpsing
in oracular Opacity. stifle sobs and softly go.
dimminuendo.

this would work as satire. Use less big or obscure words - because otherwise it is just pretense.
To wake each day in trembling dread
Shocked at the madness of the eve
See that hope of pride is dead
And shame never offers reprieve.
One day a man: good and beloved
The next become a lesser thing
Is wretched just now what I am
Or the product of a strong drink?
Bubbling frenzy; bottomless woe
What joy and love you sometimes give
The light, the dark; the high, the low
The best of life; the wish to never live.
And though I hate myself and you
If I said I'd stop, it wouldn't be true.

i like your second poem quite a bit, you have a good sense of rhythm. You might benefit from trying to adhere to stricter form, as i think following rules would stop you from slipping into the occasional messy line with clunky syllables

How to make good poems?

I have a lot I want to convey but my knowledge of poetry doesnt go past haikus and elementary stuff because lolhomeschooled.