Critique

How could so many things go wrong with a sentence.
1) it's too fucking long.
2) et al. is not even needed
3) >to this end aptly fitting in every circumstance.
what the fuck?
4) your word choice is concerning.
I hope you did not write an entire paper with sentences like this strewn about.

Yeah, I think you're nailing saying it's the Derrick did blah blah cause and effect. That's annoying to the reader and will undoubtedly obscure any other means of prose or effects in your writing

Santa came at last to the jolly elves,
sleeping now where they had worked - no merry tinkling bells.

"Resting?", he spat. "That's enough of that."
He roared and stamped his feet and threw down his fluffy hat.

The elves shrank back, and knowing what came next,
They pushed a weakling to the fore at Santa Claus' behest.

He snarled like a dog and grabbed its little throat.
He dragged it from the room, as it cried, then squeaked, then choked.

I wrote this when I was bored at work but I'm planning on expanding it in time for Christmas.

I'm a full blown Veeky Forums n00b and have never written anything like this outside of school so be gentle.

What do they think has happened, the old fools,
To make them like this? Do they somehow suppose
It's more grown-up when your mouth hangs open and drools,
And you keep on pissing yourself, and can't remember
Who called this morning? Or that, if they only chose,
They could alter things back to when they danced all night,
Or went to their wedding, or sloped arms some September?
Or do they fancy there's really been no change,
And they've always behaved as if they were crippled or tight,
Or sat through days of thin continuous dreaming
Watching the light move? If they don't (and they can't), it's strange;
Why aren't they screaming?

Oh boy, here we go:
>simple nursery rhyming
>shoving words to make them "flow"

This reads like a rap that was shat out by nas in 30 seconds, like a soundcloud rendition.
>I'm planning on expanding it in time for Christmas.
What is wrong with you. It's not even fucking summer yet.

the old fools is misplaced.
>And you keep on pissing yourself
What does this even mean.
>or sloped arms
okay what is this

I cannot relate to this, im afraid. My 45 years of writing poetry has not prepared me for this. What the hell are you doing?

Early sheltered hours
crept in like cats
and held our calls
below the window pane
looked through, a waxing moon
certain soon to wane
The tide bends to its powers
West down Hammersmith way
the same applies to flowers
coming and then going
two seasons in one day

>what is old age

the paragraphs got a bit "blobbed" when I pasted it here. The fragment is because I got scared of using to many commas. Which I went and did anyways. Would slapping a few "ands" in there work? Or do I need to rebuild the whole thing? Thank you

Gotta start somewhere, homie. I would have thought that with the basics would be a good idea.

Given that Nas is a professional (poet), it's no wonder he can shit out something vastly better in 30 seconds than a beginner can.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment though.