Look at the heedless beggar,
Waiting till tomorrow until he can be rich again,
Here he is, pleading to debtors, lost friends, driven by craving he lusts for the next one,
dreading what's infront of him, accumulating enough coins so he can live again,
Enough he said one day, a resolution that meant nothing,
Back again he knocks on doors, waiting for dealers to wake up,
And the abuse he would accept,
just to fulfill his senses,
waning already fleeting the high is already fading
i agree that would be a good thing to try in that particular position of your poem, but starting the verse with "up" made it look weird to me at the first reading.
however, once i got the idea it stopped sounding weird to me and the rhythm of the following verse fitted right. i have to say english is not my native language.
I like the spirit of this poem. I think some of the language could be ameliorated. It gets a bit cheesy and even predictable but perhaps that comes with the territory you're diving into.
>cats in suits
>Mercy of the market
Otherwise solid poem, well thought-out.
Thanks user, what would you suggest?
I was the instigator,
The grandfather.
The first, and foremost.
I started it all,
I started it first.
Point the finger at me,
Here's my receipt
Where do I sign?
Give me what is owed to me,
Give me what is rightfully mine.
Give me what I deserve.
I don't know. The word that would replace penultimate would dictate some of the feel of the piece, which I don't think I should choose. It's your poetry man, I don't want to write it.
Fair enough.
this was actually really helpful, thanks user. I think I'm going to try and weed out some of the transitional language and maybe try a shorter measure? I don't know how comfortable I am with writing this in free verse, there are a lot of repeated elements near the beginning that might stick out in a bad way in free verse. I'll give a try though
This is some more from me (
)
Clouds are frozen waves.
Waves, lifted up above any others.
Waves in space, frozen, leaping
on eachother, racing to the land.
Don't like it as much though.
I see what you mean regarding the language (pretty sure I also made some grammatical errors trying to fit some verses to the meter). "Mercy of the market" seemed to be the only thing that provided the bookend I was going for.