Short story I wrote: The Necks Are The Worst

This is a short story I've been working on tonight. I posted a lot less polished version of this a while ago. Does Veeky Forums have any suggestions for improvement? Thanks!

3edgy5me

I think you are trying too hard with the whole bit about the light leaving their eyes and how their trust turns to fear and hatred etc etc. Try to put yourself into the mind of the character: would he really be thinking about that, with that wording?

Also- people don't die instantly when you slit their throat

Depends on where you cut and how deep

>Also- people don't die instantly when you slit their throat

>guy wants to post edgelord bullshit on Veeky Forums
>never watched any gore videos

come on son

...

Wow, this is so scary, I bet you are a real twisted fucking psychopath.

protip: a lot of isis and cartel videos of beheadings the dude is already dude, so they just fall over like they died instantly...but there are a couple real ones like that one from the iraq war where some pre-isis sadr city type dudes chop some cia jews head off while he's still alive, he squeels, squirms and gurgles until they get his head clean off...now i think they just suffocate or od them on drugs before filming the decapitation video...there's actually one from syria that pol exposed where some refugee is shown chopping a kids head off but it turns out the kid died in a hospital of some non-war related shit but they wanted to make an anti-islam false flag so they took him out on a truck and chopped his head

anyways, if you wanna write edgelord gore porn, get a clue

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not

then u a dumb mothafucka

k will change it to head being chopped off thxs good advice 10/6

no.

go learn some anatomy and physiology.

I didn't really mean for it to be scary just unsettling

remember back in the day before Veeky Forums when ppl widely believe that if you got shot in the face you would die, now that we have seen a dozen videos of people with no faces still alive and partying its like hmmm i guess there really isn't anything that's essential for life in that part of your skull

even cutting someone's head off doesn't kill them instantly.

yeah but they can't do anything so they might as well be

Moving past the minor issues I have with the wording at times, what exactly is the point of this piece? Why did you write it, and why should I read it?

there's going to be several minutes of consciousness even after being beheaded

not minutes lol. maybe seconds at most. your brain can't survive without oxygen and blood flow for very long.

nah man, people lose consciousness after like two seconds of getting choked by an mma fighter, without oxygenated blood going to your brain you're gonna last a couple seconds at most, which is borne out by that old experiment that was done in france where some prick was getting executed and they were like "hey if u want ur death to help science, blink three times after u get chopped" and then they blinked twice...

the thing that makes me so mad and made me turn redpill was all these idiotic liberal who said that they saw that fat fuck on staten island "get choked to death" when clearly that hold on his neck did not kill him, choke holds don't suffocate you, the stop blood flow to your brain so if the fag is saying "i cant breath" then it's not the choke, its the fact that he weights 500 pounds

The point was to peak into the thoughts of a killer reminiscing over a murder. I wrote it one part because I had the idea to write a short story from the perspective of a serial killer and one part because its part of my writing regimen. You should read it if it interests you.

I love how this thread has now just become discussing the proper ways to kill people

No, I did read it. Maybe I wasn't clear: why should I care about what you think about a serial killer thinks, when there's nothing out of the ordinary about it? You mention this was a part of your writing regimen, but then you mention that you have been further revising it?

So why should the world read a piece that comes off exactly like a college creative writing prompt? This is a piece that virtually anyone who got Bs or higher in English could write, given the time.

No, it's not horrible, but maybe I would have enjoyed reading something that was abjectly terrible. My question is, why should the average person bother to read this?

Examining and answering this question will help you decide what to do with the piece.

You don't have enough originality to revisit such a cliched subject.

I agree, and American Psycho is already a book and movie. And also the tv show Dexter existed. This isn't anything profound.

Thank you. The reason I revised it was because I hate leaving things terribly flawed.
I suppose its not my best work, in fact its way out of the bounds of what I usually write. Most of what I write is surreal. I wrote it to try exploring something I haven't done before. I suppose the only real reason anyone has to read it is to grade it. I mean, I have written this entire thing tonight. I posted it here to see if anyone had good advice I could use for future writing projects.