Poetry critique thread

post em chaps

get a job `

American flag
Is red with blood, blue with tears
And white with privilege

The air is still -
the light has almost faded

and thunder sounds like giants
stepping forward
through the clouds

ode to autumn boys:

once born to die: kamikaze boys.
flat on a brick wall—over-ripe tomatoes.

cherry petals land in the drains
to find their footing—but they slip.

turning pale from pink,
to flower-paste in the rainwater.

leaf-eating junebugs.
the tailored blossoms of spring:

wasting beads of pollen
hiding—useless with fallen leaves.

a harvest left to die on the straw.

the rising sun bows deep
to the rising tides of famine.

I really like the descending rhythm at the end of this one. I kinda wish you'd included something else though. Another image to contrast/compare the sky. Otherwise it feels like you aren't saying much: you're just describing an ultimately very pedestrian scene in a nice way

Go to Sleep, Child

All through the day a TV creaks.
When it does at night, a demon speaks.
Keep the TV on, but cover your eyes.
The voices in your head tell no lies.

The Saturnine Pantomime
A dramatic poetic form intended to amuse the audience concering the future.
The rules of the form are applied by poets to produce individual poems which can be recited. the poem is three quintains. Use of ambiguity and simile is characteristic of the form. Forms of parallelism are common throughout the poem, in that certain lines often share an underlying meaning and they sometimes have reversed word orders. Each line has two syllables. The Rhyme scheme of the poem is 1AA1B, where numbers indicate a refrain. As a rule throughout the poem, the end rhymes don't generally match perfectly.

next Rupi Kaur right here

Your poem reminds of air in that its light and pleasant and wholly unsubstantial

Interesting images although the execution could be better; too much punctuation; please dont leave that one line by itself, i get that its a structural choice, but it doesnt work given the two line stanzas

that last line is painful to read. its just too edgy. the second line could have more finesse

Is this meant to be a poem? if so you've won the pseud of the year award

The end of WWII it seems, and the beginning of its aftermath.