ITT: we discuss culinary horrors that our parents and other family members exposed us to

why tho?
That kind of sounds like it could be modified into a good sandwich with some ingredients added/removed. But how did she even come up with that shit?

I don't know man. She put tons of mayo on it too

>left in the pot of water

Jesus Christ, how lazy do you have to be to not pour out a pot of water?

Someone left the plastic on a frozen za

t. kim jong

Saved every penny he could to spend on flea market crap and thrift stores and garage sales .it's a very strange but real compulsion of his. He has acres of outbuildings full of useless secondhand duplicate junk

>grew up a picky eater
>including disliking things like overly-crisp toast
>one day my mom makes French toast
>pour on syrup
>comment there's a lot of black bits in it
>mom assumes I was just being picky and tells me to eat it
>take a couple bites
>realize it's ants
>there was apparently a hole in the bottom of the syrup and a bunch of ants crawled in to their deaths

>Sbarro
JAG?

You ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf?

Did he end up accidentally eating wolf?

I saw my sister once put pasta in cold water and proceed to cook it. Does that count?

No, but he kept complaining and complaining about wolves that when there were finally wolves in his syrup, his mom didn't care about his complaints because what else is new

>implying you didn't make that yourself just to post here and blame it on your family

I can never eat welsh rarebit again after my mother prepared it so awfully so many times.

...

nice dubs tho

One time my mom made tiramisu
>with gorgonzola instead of mascarpone
At the time, she was trying to get back at cooking after the stroke that left her aphasic and half paralized.

My brothers ex-wife. Won't go into the nitty-gritty of how terrible a person she was, but have an example of her 'cooking' when she was staying at my place for a week.
>Wants to make pot roast, asks me to buy the fixings for it
>I think sure, whatever, can't fuck up a pot roast
>Mind you she talks a big game about how great a cook and homemaker she is (spoiler: bullshit)
>Get the basics the night before
>Leave for work the next, come back in the late afternoon
>She says dinner is ready
>'pot roast' is just all the ingredients roughly chopped up, thrown into a slow cooker, with water and CORN STARCH added in and set to warm
>Whole pot of undercooked meat and potatoes is congealed into one terrible mass of fail
She then proceeded to half a bottle of rum over the course of 30 seconds and tried to come on to me, then punched a wall when I refused her and tried to tell the police I hit her. Still wish I had to this day.

My parents have a "chili story".

Dad had REALLY bad dandruff when he still had hair. Mom was making chili. Dad goes to taste the chili and dandruff snows into the chili, apparently enough that it coated the entire pot.

Parents serve the chili to us and grandparents who were visiting because they didn't want to make more food. Fuckers.

>She then proceeded to half a bottle of rum over the course of 30 seconds and tried to come on to me, then punched a wall when I refused her and tried to tell the police I hit her. Still wish I had to this day.

how the fuck does this kind of shit happen anyway?
>asking for a friend

>Won't go into the nitty-gritty of how terrible a person she was
Please do

What the fuck is wrong with your dad? And why would your parents serve that?

I used to dread pork chop night when I lived with my dad because he'd cook them until they were grey and tough. The only seasoning on it was black pepper.
Imagine chewing on a rubber eraser, that's how the pork chops felt. They would actually make my jaw hurt by the time I finished.

this, so fucking relatable.

we didn't even get the pepper.

it's vegan """"""cheese""""""

Because of my grandmothers pies I have a seething hatred for all cooked fruit. I haven't eaten anything she's made at all for over 25 years and I vomit blood shortly after eating anything pumpkin/pumpkin spice flavored.

In all the years of shitty cooking I've done (I lift shit and eat the most basic things you can imagine, broccoli, meats...), I've never fucked up a pasta like that. Who the fuck would even come up with the idea of leaving pasta in water? What about al dente, draining and adding back water with starches if needed for thickening? Jesus.

it's more likely kraft singles.

>*Now melts!*

My brother once cooked one pot pasta and it was so gross I threw up and then my parents took me to the doctors thinking I had bulimia (i was anorexic at the time but I never made myself throw up)

did they forget to take the plastic wrap off? it looks so plasticy and wrong.

...

Are you sure your dad just wasn't trying to kill you and your sister? Cause that's what it sounds like.

Jesus christ. In all my years of dad cooking up shit like a diwmit (the man's got great hands for everything else), he'd never stoop so low.

Still can remember his cabbage stew, though. A fistful of salt is far too much. And the random soups tossed together from anything found in the fridge.

No, it's not.

I've put singles on pizza before (shitty totinos pizza and drunk). This is definitely vegan cheese.

>the random soups
Are you the guy whose dad would throw a bunch of shit together and make moaning noises or something as he ate it, then sit in the bathroom for hours?

Didn't have problems with my parents' cooking, but one time at a friend's house, his mom made steak and it was barely edible due to overcooking. It was almost burnt, and served with ketchup on top on a dollar store plastic plate.

When I was 14, I was at a friends house and his dad made beef stew, which consisted of quartered russet potatoes, giant beef chunks, and water. I don't think he put much else in it, so it was just a bowl of starchy water with massive potato and meat chunks.

My dad is cook
>mfw two things that he made stuck with me and I remembered the horror even years later

>Tried making homemade mayo because we ran out
>tried making syrup for pancakes from sugar

So what happened?

The was like watery eggs with vinegar.

The syrup was watery hot sugar, it had the syrup consistency, but tasted like shit. He tried convincing my siblings and that it was just the same on pancakes.

Sometimes his cooking is fine, but homemade condiments are terrible.

I was forced to eat migliacci when i was about 7. They are basically pig blood crêpe. They taste just as one could imagine but with sugar sprinkled on top
Italian cooking is disgusting sometimes

Learn to make mayo you casual cunt.
It's not difficult there are about three steps.

i did write this in another thread a while ago, but my dad makes something horrible
so, he takes leftover soup, heats it up on a pan while adding cornstarch/flour mix and hot peppers, then he adds fresh or leftover mashed potato (if we have some), then it cooks until it is thick
when it is ready, he takes the pan and puts it on thr table, adds a lot of mustard, mayo, ketchup (and some tabasco if we have some)
he eats it and he says "oh shit damn" every 2 seconds
then the toilet is being fucking NAPALMED by the burst of radioactive shit and the toilet smells like a chernobyl catastrophe but with shit smell mixed in

on THE table

Same thing happened to me but with cereal

That didn't sound too bad at first, just a thickened soup, but the ketchup/mayo/mustard being added is a little gross

I wanna know more about megabitch

The cheese browned nicely

In kindergarten and elementary we were given this """creme""" that behaved like nylon when you poked it. Could easily throw the cup across the dining hall without it moving an inch

nice one pic of the food for the whole thread FAGGOTS

Sorry, I didn't have my smartphone on me in 1997

oh jesus

yeah let's go back in time and tell user's dad how to make mayonnaise that day

how many people are here on ck who think they know cooking and just hit-and-run without reading posts so they can feel like they're a chef

Yeah, this happened

lel good

you're probably less of a picky eater now, fag

Cottage cheese in jello.

I dont have anything crazy like you guys, but my brother managed to set ramen noodles on fire while he was cooking them.

>One time my mom made tiramisu
>>with gorgonzola instead of mascarpone
hahahahaha
>At the time, she was trying to get back at cooking after the stroke that left her aphasic and half paralized.
oh :(

I've put vegan cheese on pizza before, and it didn't end nearly as badly as this abomination.

This is the result of someone attempting to cook some shitty form of American cheese

My grandma isn't a great cook (typical boomer) but she usually stays within a comfortable repertoire. Except for meatloaf, and christ is it ALWAYS bad, and not even consistently. I swear she makes up a new recipe ever. single. time. and never learns or improves despite making it a few times a month for however many years.

The worst one I can remember was a watery little number that was completely grey but pink on top where it had absorbed the color of ketchup. No matter how long she kept cooking it, it would not become any more solid so eventually she gave up and gave us all a plop to try before we gave up. My grandpa made a joke about it looking like dogfood, but when she tried to give some to the dogs they wouldn't eat it either. She's also strangely touchy about her meatloaf and always makes excuses rather than just give up.

I couldn't find a pic online as bad as hers, but this is close enough.

Dad was legitimately the most retarded and worst cook i've ever seen

one time he set water on fire

>dad sets pot of water on the stove to boil for tea
>leaves the fucking house
>I come home
>smoke everywhere in house
>pot on fire
>water still in pot
wut
>find out that he didn't fix the firealarm a few months ago because it wasn't going off
>dad comes home wondering why i nearly set the house on fire

his famous "steaks"

>dad buys meat from this weird dude that sells vacuum sealed meat from the back of a truck
>everything goes into the deep freezer because he doesn't know what they are
>except the "steaks"
>fires up the grill
>doesn't clean the grill...ever.
>"adds flavor"
>steaks come out blackened only way to eat them was to drown them in ketchup and A1 steak sause
for some reason no matter what shape the steaks were when they started, they always came out circular looking like a hamburger patty

These are always the first two that come to mind. I taught myself how to cook once i turned 15 to try and not die before i graduated highschool

Why would your brother's ex stay at your place for a week? Also, the last part makes me slightly concerned.

>Mom raised on a farm and cooks food that will clog your arteries but tastes heavenly
>Dad always loved cooking for himself, worst offence being that he sometimes leaves meats on the barbecue for too long
>Learned to love cooking because of them

Thanks mom and dad.

But then the shit show that was my ex-girlfriends' parents.
>The only food her dad could make was anything that could be put inside the microwave
>Her mom made brown sauce with minced meat and served with overcooked potatoes every single fucking day

Every fucking day and she still sucked at it. I once made risotto at their house and it was like an exotic restaurant experience for the. Also her dad just skipped eating that evening.

This is a quintessential white suburban kid experience. Looking back, how do you even fuck up porkchops?

Beats me, but my mom managed it too.

It put me off porkchops for most of my life- I thought they were the worst cut of meat until I made them myself a few months ago. And it's so damn easy to cook, too. You have to put effort into fucking them up.

One time I asked my parents why there was chocolate chips in the cool whip, turned out to be mold.

Bon Appétit

this thread is too real

Mmm delish

It's all burnt

Is your backspace key on the number pad?

Yes.

y

Nice pizza Papa Nurgle

>Oh shit damn

This. So this. Why else would he get mad about it afterwards?

>he eats it and he says "oh shit damn" every 2 seconds
Fucking kek

My mom did this, I didn't like pasta until I got to college because I assume that all pasta was like how my mom served it. It literally wasn't until I started living on my own that I learned the joys of pasta.

If you take away the fucking mustard/ketchup/mayo this actually sounds fine.

when I was a kid we had leftover salmon from some chinese place and I kept saying it tasted off and my dad just told us to finish our food and not let it go to waste

I got food poisoning and puked all night and to this day the taste of cooked salmon is inedible to me (smoked/raw is fine).

I assume when you're a parent your kids complain about all sorts of picky shit when it comes to food and after a while you just become desensitised to it and want them to just fucking eat so they don't die.

...

>Mom tries to make soup for lunch
>Cuts up vegetables and puts them in a gallon of water with 1 chicken bullion cube and no other seasoning (is convinced salt is evil because of meme nutritional advice) and then adds pasta at the end.
>Put salt & pepper in my bowl to make it edible
>"I guess user doesn't like my cooking"
>Everyone stares at their bowls

And now whenever she visits with my family for dinner
>Constantly breathing down my neck while cooking
>You need to do this first
>That's not how you do it
>You're making too much food
>That's too much X (butter, salt, flour, seasoning, stock, onions, fucking anything)

While I was making a schnitzel dinner for my family I got like 8 of these nags in a row and I snapped and told her to get the fuck out of the kitchen and go watch TV and she stomped off like a little kid and nagged me all dinner long. My dad works from home and can cook up a storm, but my mom is the one who feels entitled to give me her shitty meme advice.

Sounds like my mom's somewhat recent creation when I came to visit.
>tomato and cabbage soup
>add canned diced tomatoes, pre-shredded cabbage, canned kidney beans, and random canned vegetables
>i taste it, bland as shit, tastes like canned tomatoes
>try to make it better with basic ingredients that were available (garlic powder, black pepper, parsley, etc) to make it somewhat palatable
>"user, what are you adding?"
>i tell her
>"don't add too much! i don't like too much spice."
I don't even get it, she loves the (albeit way toned-down) curries and other somewhat spicy exotic foods I make for them. I guess she just doesn't understand what each spice tastes like/does.

My grandfather makes what he calls "Tuna Surprise" which is just canned tuna heat up in a pan mixed with a bit of milk, flour/starch, and butter.

It turns into a slop of creamy tuna and "the surprise is that it ain't half bad"

It really isn't that bad, but definitely reminds me of being a poor child.

My brother eats whole bowls of shredded cheese and western dressing only.

tuna cooler. still not sure if this existed outside my tiny patch of rural midwestern family as i can’t find any evidence of it online; it was canned tuna, mayo, frozen peas, cubed colby cheese, sliced hard boiled eggs, and celery pieces. no seasonings. served cold by a decaying great aunt at summer family parties. my grandpa somewhat affectionately referred to it as “tuna cooter”

my parents used to keep the salt and the sugar in identical containers
there were a lot of mishaps and a lot of wasted food

my dad has literally never cooked anything that i'm aware of