HALP!!! Someone in the office keeps eating my lunch. What should I do, Veeky Forums? This shit keeps happening

>There is nothing that says you can't spike your own food.
There are laws regarding putting non-food items into food. While I agree it's absurd, the law does not differentiate between "your" food and "food in general". Obviously the lunch theft is itself a crime, but the last thing you want is some overzealous lawsuit-happy prick to give you legal trouble. While that might be unlikely why risk it at all? Hot sauce is clearly the superior option: it's effects are immediate, and there are no concerns about non-food items being placed into food.

Laxative is a medicine, at worst you could just claim you are having trouble having a bowel movement and *poof* all liability is gone since the thief should not have been stealing in the first place. Now, if you had actual poison or something with no possible benefit you might be on the hook a bit, but not laxative since it has common use.

>at worst you could just claim you are having trouble having a bowel movement and *poof* all liability is gone
The law doesn't work that way user. I realize it's silly, but that would actually get you into more trouble because you just admitted you put a non-food item into food.

>>but not laxative since it has common use.
The law does not care. The law simply says "non food items in food". That's why Kinder Eggs, among other things, are illegal here.

Lol okay let's see how that works out in a courtroom. You will absolutely be found liable for damages if you do this.

>Crazy-strong hot sauce is a far better idea.
/thread

Let's just settle for semen and the hottest hot sauce available.

This. Also if you really wanna jack that motherfucker get some pure capsaicin extract

Tht's not true at all. Some liquid laxatives are usually taken in doses of 10-15 drops. Picolon/Laxoberal where I live. I forget the name of the actual drug on them.
Lactulose is also liquid, or viscous at least, and tastes nice and sweet. Typically taken in doses of 15-20 ml.
You could easily sneak either or both into a sweet drink or maybe a small portion of homemade pudding or icecream.

This. It is important to know what it is he's is taking in order to suggest an effective strategy to stop it.

Don't eyedrops give you the shits? Put some of it in the food.

Put in 10 MG of some tryptamine. 4 aco dmt or 4 ho met are easy to get and are a legal grey area. 10 mg, clumped together, is so little that it gets et with one bite, leaving no residue.

Sit back and watch your coworker lose his mind. Or, if he has psychedelic experience, call in sick and rush home. 40 mg for maximum mindfuckery, but that's not necessary bite-sized.

Fumarate or Hal? This is an important distinction. 20mg fum waiting for me over Christmas break

Keep your lunch at your desk, just don't make anything with mayo.

>tfw my housemate took the(my) sweet chili sauce with his Uber Eats into his bedroom. Now he's getting a loud root.
sauced cucked lads

Why do people always come up with this way of thinking? Like simply saying an abstract fact will get you off the hook. A judge is gonna hear this. A history of stolen lunch items, suddenly an item appears that has laxatives in. Looking at the facts it is obvious it was done as revenge and you'll have fucked yourself over when it comes to settlement for lying to the court. A judge will fuck you for trying to pull shit like this.

It's better to just claim you never put laxatives in the food to begin with.

Putting anything other than capsaicin extract in is a dumb idea.

yeah, it's no different than punching the dude for taking it. two wrongs don't make a right. cooking food he hates, on the other hand, is a-ok.

you could also talk to HR or your union, like civilized people in civilized places do, but if you're posting to Veeky Forums in 2017 chances are you're the kind of person who attaches an almost-religious importance to believing that they never do anything for you and you'd rather just suffer through stolen food than climb down from that hill.

The important thing is that you don't deal with this in a direct manner like a rational adult would. It's far more important to launch some wacky, passive aggressive booby trap plot like you're a character in a 90s workplace sitcom.

Holy shit, just admit nothing. Press charges if the stricken party complains to you about stomach problems. Yes, you have to be that petty.

naturally, you poison it. laxatives and such

will you get in trouble? unlikely. a lunch stealer is almost always a serial lunch stealer, so theyll have no way of knowing whose lunch did it.

IN THE LAND OF THE FREE

Keep it at your desk you retard. You won't die because it hasn't been refrigerated for 4 hours.

Or just find out who it is and confront the fucker.
Also does this shit actually happen?

>Also does this shit actually happen?

If you don't have your own office and thus your own fridge? Yes. Shared refrigerators just spells free food for some assholes.

>lactulose
true but it's still not as instant

LSD

Put LSD in it.

Put a bullet with the thiefs name on it in your lunch bag.

Fish hooks or cat feces is a tort lawsuit in action

i had this problem with my college roommate. unfortunately for him, i was coming from the military. buy senna pills and grind 10 of them up..then mix it into your food. it’s a relatively tasteless laxative, but it causes torturous intestinal pain for a couple days. they’ll feel like their intestines are about to burst from the gas build up

my roommate was a manlet literal tranny and went to the ER because he thought something was wrong with him

>causes torturous intestinal pain for a couple days

Dude that is fucked up, you went completely overboard. Just had him shit his pants and call him out on it later like a regular person.

>either skip lunch one day or go get yourself a sandwich, but bring your lunch in like you would normally
>there's only a pb&j sandwich inside your bag
>use habanero jelly
>use spicy peanut butter or mix ground ghost pepper powder right into it
>wait to see who's red-faced and pissed

Inb4 someone says those aren't that hot

GUYS!!! So I put a post-it note on my lunch, that says 'I spit into my food'. And when I came back someone wrote 'Me, too' next to it.

Xddddd upvoated

Don't fucking steal food and you won't suffer the consequences.

You make something with laxatives or you buy pure capsaicin on amazon. The pure capsaicin is 8 times as hot as a carolina reaper and will send you to the hospital in large quantities.

regular people don’t steal food

I wasn't calling the food thief regular, in fact that entire last sentence was in jest.

Put a phone in the box set so that when it detects movement it takes a picture or video an automatically sends it to you.

...

I bet they're throwing it out just to be a dick

>I put laxative in my sandwich today because I was heavily constipated

Done

Drano

>oh shit, this little phone took my picture, i'll just put it in the trash before someone finds it and sees my picture
Smart.

It gives you the ability to say that you've been lacing your own food with laxatives for x amount of weeks to combat any accusations of revenge.

>reading comprehension of an 11 year old with ADHD
Even smarter.

get some of that meme hotsauce that's like nuclear levels of hot. Do this for a week. Afterwards, cover your food in plastic and sprinkle something spicy-looking over the plastic to make it look hot. Paprika works. Sriracha powder works too

make the same lunch but add some LSD

When my dad was a new teacher, every day he'd get his lunch from the office fridge and someone had taken a bite out of his sandwich. So he started bring canned cat food sandwiches....and whoever it was stopped.

kek

Are you serious? Use your head, dumbass.

Put poison in it.

This happened to me. Habanero sauce and sliced habaneros fixed it.

They're gonna have a fun time trying to prove there are laxatives in a meal the guy has already eaten.

How the fuck is this a problem?
What adult in a workplace just steals other peoples fucking food?
What is the motivation? What is the reason?
How do they not fear getting caught like a shitbag?

If you didn't bring it in it's not yours so don't fucking touch it, how do people not get that?

>He did a thing and that means he's going to JAIL!
You have a really stupid concept of how law works.
Putting laxatives in a meal and somebody stealing it, eating it, then having digestive problems is equivalent to you just putting spoiled food in your lunchbox and the same thing happening.
No court would ever bother to hear that.

Indeed this is a fucking injustice and warrants a full investigation

OP I suggest you call the lunch police

...

>What adult in a workplace just steals other peoples fucking food?

it happens a lot actually.

I've never had that happen, albeit I've always worked in relatively small offices.
The next day after that happened to me I'd just spend from 10am to 2pm sitting in the break room, waiting for the fuckass to take my lunch.
What kind of fucking childish bullshit is that, seriously
It's not your fucking lunch, who DOES that? What goes through these peoples minds? "Oh its in the fridge it must be for me!"
No you stupid cunt, it's clearly not

Mayo doesn't need to be refrigerated retard

None of you have any idea how the law works

t. attorney

You don't either

t. larper

Yeah, that won't work, it's not really that clever of an excuse. It's obvious why it would be put in there if someone stole it, and they'll say you clearly knew what you were doing since the laxatives most likely won't have directions telling you to add it to your food. It sucks to have someone steal from you but you're basically giving them a mild poisoning, which is more malicious than someone stealing your lunch unless you're on the verge of starvation.

Just get a cheap camera installed so you can find out who is doing it or bring lunches that don't need to be refrigerated.

One time I actually started writing my name on my stuff with marker on the plastic bag and on the actual container. I walked in to see an older woman eating it anyway. She said it was ok because she had forgotten hers.

Stay with me here. Laxatives AND hot sauce, together at last!

It'll be a volcano at porcelain bay.

>What adult in a workplace just steals other peoples fucking food?

Well if the dude had gone to court for sending somebody to hospital, he'd have been facing consequences too. Mild annoyances =/= sending somebody to hospital. I get it though, military people are assholes who think everybody is below them.

Wtf? How did that conversation go? Fucking old people.

I would have ripped it out of her hands and thrown it back in her fucking face
How fucking disrespectful can you get? Holy shit

Don't forget the semen!
That little bit is your own personal victory of marking them as your cum-guzzling bitch.

Consequenchers will never be the same!

Spiking your own food with insane amounts of hot sauce counts as poisoning if you did it to fuck over the guy stealing your food.
If you get caught, you better be prepared to eat all of it.

youtube.com/watch?v=DuA88s2AMoc

Add finely ground glass to your lunch. Or rather to your fridge lunch. Keep some snack packs for yourself.

Get a cheap small hidden camera from Amazon and plant it near the fridge.

Or buy one of those super loud gift cardd that play music when opened if it will be within hearing range, and tape it in the box/bag so that it plays when opened and it doesn't stop when closed.

Or put one of those glitter bombs in your food and feign ignorance pretending it was a prank directed at you.

Or all of the above.
There are many variations to these concepts, but you get the idea behind them, so choose something that fits your situation the best.
And remember, don't put his life or health in danger and don't tell anybody about anything.
Nobody should even know that someone is stealing from you.

After you solve the situation, pretend you put everything behind you, then wait a year and start your revenge.
If you need help with that, just ask here and I'll help.

You LARP for a living? That sounds either amazing or really boring

>How the fuck is this a problem?
It's a problem if a solution can't be found.
>What adult in a workplace just steals other peoples fucking food?
Chinese people at every University I've ever worked at. Pretty much anyone from a third world country without enough income or respect for others over themselves. Lack of fear of getting caught. No forseeable real consequences, and not all HR departments ever fire anyone for anything. ever. This is especially true at Universities.
>What is the motivation? What is the reason?
Sometimes they simply hate the person that owns that lunch. They might just need a snack, and root through several things to get a goodie.
>How do they not fear getting caught like a shitbag?
They will claim it looked like their brown bag. Flat out lie. They really do not care about it. They might be passive-aggressive and crazy, and hey, they want to get caught to laugh at how long it took. What are you going to do? Slash their car tires? They are broke. They have nothing to destroy.
>If you didn't bring it in it's not yours so don't fucking touch it, how do people not get that?
This is roommate hell, ask anyone, from actual roommates to family. No, they will not leave your ice cream alone. No they will not save you the last cookie. No, they will gladly eat your takeout leftovers from the night before *shrug*. Many people just do.not.care. whatsoever about right or wrong or other people, or else can justify everything they do. It's a missing gene? Lack of respect to every boundary of decent society.

If you don't have trusted coworkers who will do shifts walking in and out of the breakroom every 10 minutes on some schedule to catch this guy red handed eventually for you, it could be one of them! Don't be predictable, eat early, eat later, go get drinks, do something to mix it up. Drop off the lunch, oops, go right back, forgot to take out my banana subterfuge games.

I wouldn't use a shared fridge. lunchbox + iceblock

what, are the cops going to stand there with their crossed and watch you eat it to prove your innocence

Laxatives might be too obvious...however visene is much less detectable.

Poison the food in the water and all the fucking frogs are gay

Luckily, I've been force myself on the Reggie to eat stupidly hot stuff to bolster my heat tolerance for years and years. Think 3 habaneros in a single noodle dish (that one gave me blurry vision and triggered my gag reflex), so I'd fucking love to see somebody fuck with my meals. They would be my normal everyday meals.

Pro-tip: You'd want to get maximum heat in the fuckers mouth as possible, rather than them have a little bit touch their mouth before they spit it out. Something like injecting a crazy hot sauce into a mini scotch-egg... *sploosh*.

Ricin

lunch cooler

Put a lethal dose of morphine in your food

either spike your lunch or just stop keeping it in the fridge and keep it in your bag or locker.

food isnt going to go bad if it sits outside the fridge for a few hours.

buy a shotgun and wait under your desk

Take a very visible bite out of your food every morning
if you got like pasta or rice something like that where you can't really leave a visible bite, just stick a clean toothbrush in there with it everyday.

Honestly? Id make it rank, something weird. Like microwave puttanesca. I they eat that Id joke about it in public. id make them feel like shit and go hungry. I would shit on that they are eating and make fun of their BO and smell or life in general.

In real life Id call them out instantly and call them shit. Im not a beta id fucking instantly say "Someone is eating my fucking lunch"

I swear to fucking god you're all a bunch of LARPing spergs who have never been in an office before. Shared refrigerators are repulsive. Get pic related and an ice pack and keep it at your desk like an adult.

>steal from people
>get btfo
>woah bro too far bro

How the fuck is this an accepted thing in offices? I see it in media and i've seen anti-theft lunchboxes in stores. Fucking how? If someone stole my food that i brought for lunch i would be pissed. That's not even rude, that's something you do to somebody whom you hate. That's almost ground to fight somebody. There's nothing petty about this and there's no way it's an accident. It's a very personal slight and blatant theft. Taking food from somebody is such a base primal thing to do. That's really fucked up and says a lot about the person doing it. Stealing someones lunch as an adult is some real sociopath behavior.

Do people not get fired for doing this? It seems like it's treated like such a petty thing by office workers.

At one of my older jobs, a guy that went to prison for 10 years for murdering his wife habitually stole my lunch.

Yeah, I'm not going to confront the guy.

I honestly don't believe its a real thing. I think its an over exaggeration of people bringing condiments to work and then overreacting when someone finishes it off on a day they intended to use it.