Well, where do I begin? It's been years since I last felt joy or pleasure in doing anything. Every single day since I was about 18 has been monotonous and apathetic and the only things I can distinctly feel anymore are anxiety, anger and fear with each one of them fueling the other two. So far I've kept on struggling through life because it's what you "are supposed to do", hoping things would turn out fine once I accomplished "that one next thing" on my life checklist. So I worked hard, graduated with the highest GPA in my high school, aced the med school entry test on my first try and at first I did well there, yet none of these things provided anything but some quick and shallow sense of satisfaction that faded away almost immediately.
When, during my second year there, things started to get harsh, I seriously began to consider suicide. Why should I live like this? What's the point in doing anything if I keep on feeling miserable no matter what? After one year or so, which is to say one year ago, things started to fall apart: I almost made a suicide attempt, took a break from university and came back home to get treatment. However coming back home only made me feel worse: I wasn't doing anything with my life, or even just pretending to be, I was just trying to keep myself distracted all day, in front of a screen. The fact the few friends I had from high school don't live here anymore also left me in an almost complete state of isolation. I should probably mention I'm still a virgin and my social skills are abysmal.
Last September I made an actual suicide attempt, albeit a half-assed one, after which things seemingly started get better, but that feeling was short lived.
It turns out, according to my therapist, that social interactions are crucial to get out of my state of mind, and that's especially true for someone like me, and while I realize he's correct you can't download people yet, unfortunately. I actually tried to contact some of my old classmates who still lived here, but going out with them only made me realize how much I suck at dealing with other people, and that I still have the mental age of a 16 year old.
I'm honestly tired of all this. The supposed help suicidal people are supposed to seek only made me swing repeatedly from periods when I thought I could manage to enjoy life again to others when I just wanted to end it, and the crash from the former to the latter never stops being soul crashing.
I'm tired of all this, I just want to rest, forever.
>are you not afraid of death?
Yes. My mind can't fully accept the fact I will cease to exist and thinking about it is terrifying. But at the same time I feel relieved: I don't have to worry about all the shit I wrote above and I get to enjoy these last few days doing only things I like with zero worries about the future, just like I did when I was a kid.