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/crit/ - General Writing Critique
Anthony Gonzalez
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Christian Long
nah mate its only the intro I'm not even close to done.
Bentley Morgan
Post an excerpt.
Daniel Brown
The
Isaiah Johnson
Aye, In all the days I have known you, in all the years that I have watched and longed for you and you alone, my beautiful wild Atlanta, I have seen only one moment where you have been sincere. In all of your entire life, only once. Only for one instant. It was when your eyes met mine and you were both dazzled and delighted as our lanterns floated up up and away over the sparkling ocean and twilight sky. So long ago that it may well be a childhood dream, and thinking back on that time seems to be peering into a past and distant lifetime altogether. As our lanterns parted in the great sky that night, our lives appeared to drift apart over this vast ocean of time. I saw you less and less and you smiled even less, and I always wondered why, and thought that perhaps there was something wrong with me, that I was not friendly or girlish or beautiful enough to hold your genuine attention for more than a brief moment. Do you know how lonely I have been? Your poor Maggie, thrust to the outskirts of your life to only peer in at you playing and associating with boys and girls that are altogether unlike you and nowhere near as great as you. To only watch you, day after day, become dark and grey and lose the light that you once had as a child. When was the last time you felt the wind on your arms and under your feet, Atlanta? When was the last time that you felt the loving kiss of that beaming sun heating up this black earth. When was the last time that you thought of me? Have you loved at all, Atlanta? Have you loved for even one second of your life? I have loved you every day, and I shall love you for eternity too. If ghosts do indeed exist, I will haunt you for the rest of your days, never leaving you alone and prodding you towards happiness with my ghostly hand. I made you a lantern, Atlanta. It is colored just like the one you made with me as a child. Did you see it? I have a lantern too, safely placed upon my bed. Light both of them for me, will you? Let them softly float forever above the waves, above this cold earth, telling everyone and everything that we are. I feel so silly standing here and crying, but I cannot stay.
Kayden Williams
Banana Boy, son of Manny Malone, whipped out his dirty detective cuffs and cufferoo'd the beady-eyed bugger in front of him.
"Look at this boolin brodie over here," said Banana Boy to his coppo mates. "Yer days of messin' around with the town are over, young man."
The boolin brodie in question had the name Jon and a vindictive glare, but lacked any semblance of shame: Banana Boy had caught him in the midst of his latest dirty deed: waving his dreadful dongle in front of some poor kiddos in the park, kiddos who'd theretofore been slippin' down slides and then bam! Presently they were ogling this man's pulsating pink doodle.
Benjamin Johnson
>starts with the
shit desu
Jackson Turner
This ones my opening sentence, since writing it I feel like it could be cleaned up but I'm not sure if I have the skills to so it.
>The line of muck which encased the elfs slender legs slowly receded as each pitfall proved to be shallower than the last, sure sign they were headed in the right direction. It had been three days since the party had set out from Oakheart; an area strangely named considering it was neither surrounded by oaks or filled with the warmth one would best describe as heartfelt. Although following that line of thought, a place most aptly described as swamp-ass probably wouldn't want to advertise it's true nature anyway.
Austin Rivera
We pass quietly, Ignorant of each other’s existence until there is nothing more than a hare’s breath between us. I’ve been here before – I would have never believed eyes could look so dull, but then a spark, a glint of acknowledgement, followed by the beginnings of a strained smile.
All gone within a single heartbeat, a blink and it would all be missed. The cold settles in and dull eyes return to stare through me. We become nothing more than ghosts, condemned to silent haunting and unsure familiarity.
Ethan Long
Really trite and annoying, even for dungeons and dragons styled fantasy. Nobody wants to read annoying descriptions about the name of a place. Weave your description of the place through the narrative. The reader will come to understand that Oakheart is a rather ironic name without you inserting disruptive omniscient narrator comments. If this is really your opening sentence, I imagine anyone that isn't pushing through it just for the hope of elf erotica will stop reading after a few sentences.
>than the last, sure sign
should be: , a sure sign
>It's true nature
should be: its
Nothing else is really grammatically incorrect, but that doesn't mean that it did not make me vomit.