Post opening sentence to your book. Mine:

>was either not strange seeming or not actually normal*
I don't have a lot of faith in your writing.

>was either not strange seeming
I don't have a lot of faith in yours, because you didn't write this.

It's was a fucking goof post. don't get fucking assblasted because your first sentence is shit, you mooseknuckle.

Please be patient, I have autism.

The preferred pronouns of the protagonist in this book are left as an exercise to the reader.

I like this a lot user

thank you

This is dope

Holy...

She came over, accusing my bulemic mother of being anorexic, she was abrasive and loud, wearing a shirt made by two mentally retarded women. She begged to use our dryer, complaing of a date she had with the supervisor of her workplace, a fast food chain. She quietly shrieked about being destitute, no longer wishing to be "used by her poor neighbors". An irony that was not missed. Her name was Pam. She had for some time been scraping the grout out of the brick walls in her home, insisting that some organization had been quite literally pumping poisonous gas into her house through a tunnel below. She had ripped out a load bearing wall, and other varied fixtures in her home. It became a nuisance to see the piles of drywall, wood, wires, and other detritus laying in her yard. I later scolded my mother for allowing her to use the dryer, noting that the woman was legitimately insane, and it was completely unknown whether she had parasites.

I'd actually read it. Mention it on Veeky Forums when you publish it.

oh i was just frustrated while reading this thread with her coming over. She's real. All of this is real. sorry it's not part of the theme.

If you're going to write something this morally bankrupt then you should at least aim for aesthetic potency. You're running on fumes here.

Oh. Well, damn. Sorry about your crazy parasite neighbor. If she tore out a load bearing wall you have to tell the housing inspector or something to fix it, because that's dangerous.

moraly bankrupt? i suppose you let your schizophrenic neighbors use your amenities constantly eh? fuck off.

I am a strong believer in the prime directive. the less i interfere, the better. i'll just quietly fume and wait for the cracking of brick and mortar as the house implodes on her. I'll look forward to informing the local newspaper of exactly what happened.

You don't even understand what I'm talking about. Christ what is with the rampant idiocy on Veeky Forums.
It's a thread about the art of writing. By morally bankrupt I'm not talking about the choices of your characters obviously I'm referring to your choice of writing this.

"Back from his radical adventures in hell, Monty Spulko was on his way, blazing past at 200 miles through the highway inferno, to reach the doomed wedding hall before sundown. Spulko is a cosmic revenger, or a vigilante of metaphysical proportions, to be more specific. He’s capable of traversing the boundaries of all realities in order to accomplish his justices."

oh, if it's not any kind of double house or apartment building, then it's fine. Though you could get her evicted if they tell her to clean up and she won't

writing about reality is morally bankrupt? i suppose when someone travels to africa and recounts the sufferings of the locals, that's morally bankrupt too. what a fucking dipshit you are. No one in the world knows who these people are. No one ever will. Later. I'm off to morally bankrupt myself by writing how much of a dipshit you are.

And then...

wait, are you such a dipshit that you're not even complaining about the moral ramifications of what i'm writing, but rather the bullshit sanctity of
>muh thread
jesus fucking christ. Who gives a shit about hollow opera houses and whatever lame shit you guys come up with? If I kill this thread, I will have done a morally positive act, saving you mental munchkins from reading more swill than you have to.

>first person narration
>OMNISCIENT first person narration
>"quietly shrieked"
>paragraph, not a sentence

Garbage.

Hey! My lame opera house didn't do anything to you!

i'm sorry, you're right. it was a good sentence. just annoyed. going to go disinfect my dryer now.
if you heard the woman's voice, you would know how accurate that description is.
>omniscient
why thank you. i didn't know i knew everything.

This isn't Star Trek, dummy.

It's okay, I kinda figured that. I know how stressful neighbors can be. I hope everything works out.

Today, I killed a little girl, or so I believe, she was most likely the age of my son, the first thing I remember was the grey sky above me, the sensation of raindrops pouring down my left cheek from a crack on the ceiling, I was standing in what I presumed was an abandonned warehouse, spaced out before slowly regaining awareness of my surroudings, she was lying in a pool of blood in front of me, I was never good at dealing with blood, the smell was too strong for me, my first reaction was trying to cover my nose, only to notice I was holding an emptied revolver in my right hand, I could only assume the worst.

>Narrator is an army veteran suffering from dementia, so extremely unreliable

I just started it,nothing interesting

i know, just the first thing i thought of.
going back, i don't know how it's omniscient. i as the narrator know all of the things in the paragraph. nothing to give reason to believe that i know things outside of myself. I've been in her house, I've seen her yard, I scolded my mother, I listened to her talk about her date, her not wanting to be poor anymore, her quiet shrieking. no omniscience there.

How are there hallways inside a waiting room, you dolt? I know that's not what you mean, but it's what your sentence is implying.

The town of Awning was a grim sight.

Holy comma splice

'Niggers be tripping', Tyrone said

6/10
there is as much comma's in what you typed as in a McCarthy book

fuck out of here britfag

Awning is a good word. Very imposing.

only post so far that might make for a good book

at-least-you're-trying-seriously award. Unfortunately, it's too melodramatic to be intimate, and too faux-gentle to be interesting. The kind of thing I'd expect from someone trying to take themselves seriously who might someday write something really good if he keeps practicing.

ARIZE WITH ME AND KILL GOD !!
DEATH TO YHWH.
FREEDOM FOR EARTH!!

Did they ever tell you the meaning of madness?

It was a bright, cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen.

I sat on a stone and watched my companion smoke a cigarette. I wanted to ask his name, but I felt that it would have been too awkward at this point.

>first sentence comma splice and its not for aesthetic reasons
>prose is bad
>quietly shrieked is an oxymoron that could have been better described
>what that other user said about 1st person narration omniscient
>"An irony that was not missed."
>"Her name was Pam."
>"quite literally"
>that edgy file

Everybody says that my waifu isn't real.

mysterious, but somehow overwrought.

Interesting. A little bland, perhaps, but it has that potential for a nice black humor adventure/mystery.

But I'll show them! I'll show everyone!!

Ehhh, doesn't really capture a scene invoking someone shot to death. I like the idea though.

Lol. Would read.

it's not first person omniscient. i explained that above.

Good premise, average writing.

I was busy taking down plate numbers of every car that left the bureau that afternoon when the Old Faithful cold-sweats of junk withdrawal began to burn my eyes.

does he work for the fbi or is he paranoid-delusional? Because both have potential, honestly.

To the east of the town was an alizarin-brushed forest of sugar maple and tulip poplars which harboured the property and many others in a clouded pool of underbrush and litter fallen burgundy and orange from the molting trees.

Underground revolutionary, actually. I was modelling him as a composite character of some members of SDS/WeatherUnderground.

It's not done though, of course. It's just a disjointed series of notes that are currently stored in two separate locations. Lucky me, I have an incredible memory. For all other writers out there, I didn't always have a good memory. Doing yoga/meditation helped tremendously. Also, look up "art of memory" if anyone is interested.

It was a cold grey morning when Stephen Thompson drove his mother's 1998 Ford Taurus to the north side of town to buy a gun.

Make him an unreliable narrator and have it all just been in his head. A very excellent twist that most people are too chickenshit to implement.

I had a farm in Africa

This is the worst fucking idea ever

Not if the guy is a junkie. Live a little.

Let me start off by saying that it was never my intention to hurt anyone.

Just so you know,is not me, and I am
However, having been one, he'll have to be a hell of a lot more than a dopehead to be delusional.

Pretty sure that's how Woad to Wuin starts, which starts off with a gimp (MC) killing a dwarf.

Uh, isn't junk black tar heroin?

Junk is pretty much any opiate/opioid, but usually refers to any variety of heroin.

She ripped my heart out with her teeth.

Thanks. Yeah I looked it up, but really, if he's on heroin, he's already on hard enough drugs to be delusional. If you want him to be "fine" but still a junkie, you better just stick to college drugs.

by which I mean weed and ritalin. Adderall can fuck you up if you take too much.

I hugged the ground and found safety in its embrace.

Please show me research that shows heroin causes delusions in the mentally healthy? Like I said, I'm speaking from personal experience. Even the worst of withdrawals *can* make on temporarily insane, but remember, he's just beginning to withdraw. Everybody has this weird conception of heroin like it's not just souped-up vicodin. The only difference between "heroin" these days and "diacetyl morphine" is whether you get it on the street or by prescription.

Ritalin is at LEAST 10x more likely to induce a state of psychosis than even the highest doses of opioids in a mentally healthy person. Like I said, they're going to have to be mentally ill, or a methhead or PCP user in order for that plot twist to work. Even if the average joe doesn't know shit about drugs (as you have exhibited) I still want my novel to be accurate in all the non-fictional aspects
.

hi please post contact info, preferably skype

Technically more than one sentence, but I don't think the first sentence alone stands on its own.

I hugged the ground and found safety in its embrace. In that, I was thankful for the soil which covered half my world, preventing the sky above and sky below from coming together and overwhelming me.

>Even if the average joe doesn't know shit about drugs (as you have exhibited)
Excuse you, I know pretty goddamn much about drugs. My point is, is that if someone's on drugs, shit gets bad, quick. Shit gets cut, they start mixing and matching drugs, and then you want a mc that takes heroin and has withdrawls to just be otherwise fine? That's not what happens, even if it's just psychosomatic and not a direct symptom of the drug itself. I've watched a guy shoot up before. He's dead now, too. He was what? 24? 25?

erowid.org/

>he'll have to be a hell of a lot more than a dopehead to be delusional.
>if he's on heroin, he's already on hard enough drugs to be delusional.
Hmm, it's almost like somebody already said heroin alone doesn't do that, right before (and after) someone asserted it does.

Ya know what? I'm sorry for arguing with you about stupid shit. You take your conjecture from your limited experience, I'll take the conjecture from my extensive personal experience with the stuff, and we'll shove 'em up our asses on the count of three...

"What the hell are we going to do with this goddamn orb?" Fryhal asked me while I looked unconsciously staring at him amidst a 10 mile radius of broken knives and swords that came out from god knows where, caused by the broken spell of a recently-dead Carach sorcerer.

actually good

Okay, I'd like to apologize too. I don't know what came over me, since it doesn't even matter. I get kind of weird over stupid shit and I'm sorry.

>yet another thread where literally no one fucking responds to my work

I've been in this shithole for 6 years, and it's the first time I've seen people apologize with each other. Kudos to you people.

living with NPD must be tough user

improve then

I keep running into people with the aim of not running into people and I haven’t left the house all day. Who are these people in the house—my house!—or rather my quarter portion of the house shared, nonetheless: get them out! I can hear a corpulent mass of deliberate gluttony smacking his lips against something; is it my food? My fucking food! I will assuredly murder him in front of whoever is out there and return to my room and consciously wait to be arrested.

See this is an example of someone using words they know the definition of but still can't properly string into a sentence. "Amidst a 10 mile radius of broken knives and swords" makes enough sense to let the reader understand what you mean, but if you think about it, is retarded sentence structure. The circle of swords and knives has a radius, but the circle is not the radius.
"Caused by" also just sounds incredibly clunky and weird. What you're stating is that the swords and knives were caused by the spell. Using a phrase like "placed there by" or "pulled here by" or something would be better.
Then again, you're writing some kind of edgy fantasy that still uses kitschy tolkien-clone-style names, so this is orobably about the level of writing your target audience will expect.

>adverbs

You seem to be forgetting one little thing, that I'm not a native speaker and I don't intend to publish anything in anytime, at least in English anyway.

A very poor notes from underground imitation
Your second sentence splices a question and a statement together in an awful-sounding way and you threw in a bunch of random overwrought words that don't fit well at all. It sounds like you wrote it then decided to just throw in big words in random places.

So? If you post an excerpt in english, expect people to critique your use of the english language. Hopefully it doesn't sound so shitty in yours.