What are the funniest stories in the bible?

When Elisha gets taunted by some kids

2 Kings 2:23-24
>He went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, ‘Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!’ When he turned round and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

People in the Old Testament go hard. Curses, miracles, mysticism. Might as well be an account of Habib's B.C. Dungeons and Dragons game

kek

Reading about how much of an irritable fuckhead Moses was gave me a few chuckles
>Meets God in the form of a burning bush
>Moses, this is God. I have chosen you to free the Israeli people from Egypt
>No
>...Yes
>I don't want to
>GO TALK TO THE PHAROAH
>I have a speech impediment
>take Aaron, he'll do the talking
>then why are you choosing me
>JUST

>God carves Moses some beautiful marble tablets engraved with the 10 commandments
>they're really fucking nice
>By the time Moses carries the stone tablets back to the people they managed to create another idol to worship like pagan pieces of shit
>goes full autism, shattering God's tablets in a rage
>makes the people destroy their idol and mix the dust with water
>forces them to eat it
>goes back to God
>hey I'm gonna need some new tablets, those other ones broke after I hurled them on the ground
>MAKE YOUR OWN

>leading a massive group of freed slaves to the promised land
>Trip should take a few months through the desert
>40 years later
>Moses dies lost in the desert because the goddamn Jews couldn't get their shit together and God didn't want that generation of asshats into the promised land

Makes you wonder why Moses was chosen as a prophet, he was obviously not having a good time

the one where the guy stabs the king and the sword sinks into the fat. then his servants wouldn't open the door because they thought he was relieving himself

Also shit spews out of his guts that the sword punctured

The Book of Judges is fucking hardcore

"Small boys" is mistranslated, it should say something like young man or teenager and they weren't merely mocking him for being bald. Elisha was probably a young man himself in this story, because after the incident he went on to live for at least fifty years, through the reign of four kings. Elisha may have been bald, not from age, but from a vow he took to serve the Lord (Acts 21:24 refers to a similar vow and corresponding head shaving). Therefore, the boys taunts about his baldness may have been directed toward his decision to serve the God of Israel. It also could have been on par with calling somebody an "idiot" regardless of his actual intelligence. Either way, the boys demonstrated profound lack of respect both for God and the prophets he sent.

Keep in mind that before this incident Elisha had just miraculously cleansed Jerichos water supply and now began an approximately ten-mile walk uphill to Bethel. If the boys came from Jericho, they saw firsthand that Elisha was a prophet of God, and they still chose to mock him. If they came from Bethel, then they probably represented the pagan elements of that city.

Imagine 40 adolescents having a mini holy crusade against you as you walk by yourself across a desolate area. You would rightly be nervous because such a large group cause you serious harm. These were not innocent kids.-

2 Corinthians 12:9
>And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for >thee: for my strength is made perfect in >weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather >glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ >may rest upon me.

God seems to purposefully select followers who would struggle to fulfill his commands on their own to demonstrate to them and the people around them the importance of relying on God. Moses probably was not allowed into the promised land for this same reason. God's decision seems to come not only from Moses' disobedience, but also because the people had become to reliant on Moses, a reliance that wouldn't work with a theocracy.

Evil is everywhere. Just there in that post you've seen why and how this works.

Mark my words, Satan and God are real. Something is happening right now with America and this struggle. One will rise. And he will be just.

Just read in the Koran when it talks about how God tells evil to lay down his tricks first and then have good swallow them whole. Good will prevail, and truth. Much to the bitter, hard chagrin of evil, whose world is the time-reverse of what it should be. Good is creating something beautiful over time. Evil is destroying something beautiful over time. The one talked about will define these different strains.

Chuckled when Paul tells Titus to grab a cloak he left behind.

The whole book of Exodus does not make the Jews look very good. The Jews get hungry while wandering the desert, so God literally rains bread from heaven and these motherfuckers have the nerve to whine about not having any meat. It's no wonder God made them cut parts of their dicks off.

Numbers 12. Paraphrased:
>Moses marries a black woman
>Miriam and Aaron aren't happy about this
>they complain
>God hears their complaining and comes down
>says "well if you hate BLACK people so much Miriam, I'm gonna strike you WHITE with leprosy"
>Miriam stricken with skin disease, her skin becomes white as snow
>Aaron goes crying to Moses, asking him to get the Lord to heal her
>Moses asks God to heal Miriam
>God says, "nah, not right now, I'm gonna let her suffer with it for a week"
And that's why racism is bad, kids.

There's also Genesis 18:
>Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
>Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. >Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.
>So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”
>Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
>Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
>Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
>But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”
It's literally:
>God: you laughed
>Sarah: nuh uh
>God: yeah huh

honestly if you spend time around jews you'll realize how terrible they are with directions, worse than asians. I can totally believe they got lost for 40 years

she-bear detected

>Sarah laughed to herself
TL NOTE: Isaac means laughter

ffs God of all the people to be the chosen ones, literally the fuckin Jews ~:(

wtf for some reason the only part of this I remember was Samson getting a prostitute.

Kids are not innocent, remember what St. Augustine said.

The story of Job was the first Louie episode ever aired

fuckin leg day dude

>The Book of Judges is fucking hardcore

This. It's such a fun read honestly. It has the most badasses out of all the books of the Bible.

Also, that one part where the judge tells God he'll sacrifice whatever comes to his doorstep next as an offering, and then his daughter comes to the doorstep reminds me of a Greek myth.

>not having thin, graceful legs

laughed more than i shouldve at this

The jews of old are not the jews of today, just take that into account. The "chosen people of god" are practically anyone who chooses to serve him and love him honestly and thoroughly.

On that note, Israel fucking hates God and Jesus.

Now to the New Testament. The apostles are great comic relief.
Matthew 16:6-12:
>Jesus says, "beware the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees."
>the apostles: "oh shit we forgot to bring bread"
>Jesus: "guys have you forgotten that I can literally pull bread out of thin air"

Luke 22:35-38:
>at the last supper
>Jesus: "get your swords and purses and things ready, because I'm not gonna be here to take care of you anymore. Get it? Your Lord's gonna die."
>apostles: "don't worry Lord we got two swords right here"
>Jesus: "...I'm outta here."

Acts 12:13-16:
>Peter starts knocking on the door
>"I just escaped from prison, let me in, quick!"
>People check the door
>"Oh look, it's Peter's ghost."
>"PLEASE!"

"Am I my brother's keeper?" is the oldest use of sarcasm/irony (on a primitive level, I know) I know of

>Moses dies lost in the desert because the goddamn Jews couldn't get their shit together and God didn't want that generation of asshats into the promised land
Specifically, Moses was never allowed in the promised land because he disobeyed God in Num 20:7-12, which is also another episode of Moses Is an Insufferable Fuck: The Animated Series.

7 and the Lord spoke to Moses, saying,
8 “Take the rod; and you and your brother Aaron assemble the congregation and speak to the rock before their eyes, that it may yield its water. You shall thus bring forth water for them out of the rock and let the congregation and their beasts drink.”

9 So Moses took the rod from before the Lord, just as He had commanded him; 10 and Moses and Aaron gathered the assembly before the rock. And he said to them, “Listen now, you rebels; shall we bring forth water for you out of this rock?” 11 Then Moses lifted up his hand and struck the rock twice with his rod; and water came forth abundantly, and the congregation and their beasts drank. 12 But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you have not believed Me, to treat Me as holy in the sight of the sons of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly into the land which I have given them.”

>God: "Speak to the roc-"
>Moses: "HI BILLY MOSES HERE WITH THE NEW WATER PRODUCING ROD™ BY AARON® JUST BEAT THE ROCK OF MERIBAH, NOT ONCE BUT TWICE LIKE THIS: BONK! BONK! AND YOUR PEOPLE'S THIRST IS QUENCHED"
>God: "Oh my Self, Egyptian education did a number on this guy."
>Moses: "AM I THE GREATEST TEACHER AND PROPHET YET"
>God: "Fuck outta here."

Just the book of Exodus? Judges was nothing but apostasy after apostasy after apostasy.

>The jews of old are not the jews of today
Great point, agreed. He is a just god and his word has spread.

What you've said is literally said verbatim in the Qur'an as well as the New Testament

didn't jesus take some demons out of a homeless man, transfer them to some pigs, and then order them to drown themselves?

I've always found the captured ark episode amusing. Wreaking havoc wherever it's carried until finally simply given back.

He didn't order them to the demons drowned the pigs themselves.

that makes it even more funny desu

>Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? He cannot enter his mother’s womb and be born a second time, can he?”

Jesus doesn't even get the sarcasm.

Then Jesus acts all holier than though.

>guy notices the ark is wobbling
>puts his hand on it to steady it
>God kills him for his effort
What a dick move

Damn. What religion are you?

That poor donkey

There's actually a couple good reasons that man died that aren't completely obvious. The most simple reason is that God commanded nobody to touch it except for the priests, but the second and more interesting one is that the people transporting the ark weren't doing their due diligence and caring for it like they should have. The fact that it almost fell is proof of this, because if it was secured properly there wouldn't have been a problem. This lack of care demonstrates a grave disrespect to the most holy object in the world.

>Nicodemus said to him

You know that's not Jesus taking right?

When Jesus took a whip out of cords that He made and drove the moneychangers from the temple by beating them and their livestock.

Good times, good times.

Jesus is the him...

Nicodemus comments about crawling up his mother's cunt saying yea right everyone knows you can't be born again and then Jesus talks a bit after with his holier than though schtick and so every Baptist preacher nowadays uses Nicodemus as a dumbass butt of a joke when Nicodemus clearly is being sarcastic and Jesus doesn't pick up on the sarcasm.

>holier than though

>Do unto them WHATEVER you want. Really, whatever... you can think of, just. please! Go nuts.

the running gag that it is possible, or philosophically defensible for human beings, thrust into the world without their own consent and only ever doing small and finite damage to each other in their own little world, can somehow possibly merit eternal punishment in hell, for their finite and antlike sin.

Likewise, Job is a funny story where a god behaves in exactly the opposite way that a just omnipotent being should do.

There's a large fan community which is dedicated to the meme of not breaking character, and acting out the part of people who can possibly believe such childish and morally abhorrent conclusions. As part of their shtick, they regularly attend church, set up community organizations and (among those most in on the joke) abuse children and then cover up same - all in the service of keeping up the joke. Some of the people who "take the joke seriously" post on internet forums about the history of the joke, and pretend to dismiss people who identify the joke on clear grounds.

Onan pulls out of his bro's widow before he cums in her and God kills him on the spot for not wanting to have kids.

Think it's rather for spreading his seed in the dirt, but whatever.

>Proverbs 26:18-19

>88
>talking about the first recorded skinhead

He was obligated to have kids with the widow so that his dead brother would have his house continued.

Paul calling Cretans stupid.

Titus 1:12 One of themselves, even a prophet of their own, said, the Cretians are alway liars, evil beasts, slow bellies.
13 This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith;
14 Not giving heed to Jewish fables, and commandments of men, that turn from the truth.

Ezekiel 23:20

>There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Came here to post this.

Too bad God didn't punish him with something other than death so he still could have possibly fathered a child, but it seems like OT God almost always goes for the kill.

Christians can't believe this literally happened, right guys?

Right...?

>judaism/christianity is officially anti-bantz

The Curse of Ham

>be me
>Ham, son of Noah
>just got off the ark
>feelsgoodman.jpeg
>dad invents wine
>he's a total lightweight and passes out naked
>I go to put a blanket on him
>my brothers try to put the blanket on backwards so they don't see his nuts
>I don't really care
>dad finally wakes up
>finds out that I saw his nuts
>curses my youngest son so that he and his descendants are doomed to be enslaved by my brothers and their descendants
>his skin literally turns black from how hard he got cursed
>tfw

> "Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!"

Holy shit I want to read the bible now

Holy shit sunday school would've been awesome if we heard these stories

Why are ancient stories so great?
>that story in Herodotus when the Persians get BTFO by crossdressers when they're drunk

>When 42,000 people die for pronouncing a word wrong
Ahahahhahaha Jesus Christ

Holy shit go back to re.ddit please

>WWJD???

Jesus gets angry with a fig tree that won't feed him, uses his godly powers to blow it up with lightning bolts. (the story is told twice in the bible btw)

mention it to your priest, and ask him what the story meant. they'll make an excuse and shuffle away quickly.

I've heard reasonable explanations from ministers about what that story is about. Feel free to Google it since you've never looked into it apparently.

Israel was symbolized by a fig tree all throughout the OT. Now that you know this try rereading the story.

The word of god is not for man to interpret, despite what the heretic Martin Luther has to say about it.

If his priest doesn't want to share the truth with him then it is because he knows he is not ready for it.

I thought he just made it whither and not bear fruit

>the bible isn't literal truth, its full of allegories.

fuck you.

You're not fooling anyone, proddie.

Still waiting on that Official Papal Bible Commentary so we can finally understand what the Bible means.

No it doesn't work like that. The Magisterium works like the supreme court. They don't create law, they just make rulings on things when they become a problem.

Imagine if every American had the authority to decide what the US constitution means. Each person could do as he wished, saying that his actions fell under his own interpretation of "freedom of religion" or "freedom of association." What would come of this approach? Anarchy. Fortunately, the founding fathers created an institution called the Supreme Court that was entrusted with interpreting the Constitution. That way, through the court's decisions, a uniform legal code would be created that would treat all citizens equally. Just as a personal interpretation of the constitution would lead to chaos for the rule of law, relying solely on one's personal interpretation of the bible as a guide to Christian doctrine leads to chaos for the rule of faith.

If Americas founding fathers were wise enough to foresee the dangers of individuals engaging in private constitutional interpretation, then wouldn't the church's "founding fathers," or Christ and the apostles, see the danger in relegating Christian authority to private biblical interpretation? We read in Peter 1:20 that "no prophecy of scripture is a matter of one's own interpretation," and the author later warns his readers that some passages in the bible are "hard to understand, which the ignorant and the unstable twist to their own destruction, as they do the other scriptures" (2 Pet. 3:16)

oh, a redpill on Veeky Forums.

nice1

pretty much this. I'm trapped in a world dominated by an obvious joke. but if I dare point out the joke, I'M the one who is "immoral."

>No it doesn't work like that. The Magisterium works like the supreme court. They don't create law, they just make rulings on things when they become a problem.
That's unfortunate for us mortals who would just like to know the meaning of one of Jesus' parables or some such thing.

Attend mass and you'll find out.

You could try joining a Bible study.

That's just someone's private opinion, user. The magisterium has issued no ruling on the subject so what they're telling me may very well be determined to be wrong in the future.

So?

So humans privately interpreting Scripture is fine then?

Of course it is. The Catholic Church only makes definitive rulings on things when they become a problem, and the number of these things are very limited. A Catholic might believe in a literal 6 day creation if he wishes because the Church never made a ruling on it. We have a lot of freedom when it comes to this sort of thing.

>they think they can interpret the bible freely

Bunch of protestant scum.

Who do I believe? Is there a magisterial ruling on this?

The funny thing is that in Mark (usually held to be the eldest) he curses it and later they find it and it's dead, and in Matthew it dies immediately. Perfect whisper game example.

When in doubt, consult Catholic Answers

catholic.com/qa/does-the-catechism-encourage-private-interpretation-of-the-bible

You believe the Church of Christ, you ignoramus.

Stop believing in any church that doesn't uphold apostolical succession and you should be fine.

Do they have magisterial teaching authority?

How do I know what the Church has officially ruled on something? Can I interpret that myself or do I need someone to do it for me?

oset zwrócił do róży rosnącej na Libanie takie wezwanie
daj mi twoją córke za żone
Jednak zwierz co jest na Libanie przejdzie sie po oscie i zdepcze

Quote from memory

Exsurge Domine, written by Pope Leo the Tenth.

>Do they have magisterial teaching authority?

No and it's not necessary. You don't have to be a bishop in order to share truth with somebody else.

If I read this am I allowed to interpret it myself? Is there a ruling on that?

>bro *laughs* bro cmon bro abraham cmon just like bro kill your son bro cmon
The Bible was very avant-garde for its time.