Never posted here before, Im a /pol/ac/k/ but I would like some honest criticism on a scifi story I'm writing...

Never posted here before, Im a /pol/ac/k/ but I would like some honest criticism on a scifi story I'm writing. I have absolutely no formal education of any kind.
This is just a very small excerpt but hopefully it gives you an idea of the environment I'm trying to create.

B.O.A.R.D.

>Battalion Ordanince Assault & Reconnaissance Delivery

>After the naval engagement at Remiter in 2142, a need for disrupting and engaging an enemy flagship beyond its engagement range was noted by the USSC. A contract for a boarding device capable of delivering a squad of marines (16 personnel) to an enemy warship was submitted to the public. Tycron Heavy Industry Orbital was awarded the contract. The BOARD is capable of delivering a vehicle to an enemy vessel at ranges of 1.37Ls, beyond the ranges of almost all rail accelerators and thermal weapons currently fielded by the rebellion. It is also capable of launching ECMs, chaff, and thermal sinks to disrupt missiles and point defense systems that would attempt to intercept the BOARD. Before impact the BOARD rapidly decelerates with large forward facing directional explosives as well as two stage shaped charge that breaches the enemy hull. After delivery the cargo of marine shock troopers can engage the crew of the ship, conduct sabatoge, and other combat actions against the boarded ship. In VR simulations and war games BOARD systems are deployed in a salvo of 10 or more, delivering at least a platoon sized (60 personnel) combat contingent to various systems of the enemy vessel, with the priority target usually being the bridge, but engineering and weapons platforms are also targets of priority. BOARD systems can be intercepted by missiles, CIWS, and thermal weapons, with an average loss rate of 40%. However Naval Space Command has deemed this to be acceptable losses as compared to the thousands of sailors, and billions of ship tonnage that could potentially be lost in a conventional flagship engagement. The BOARD has only been deployed once at the battle for Lang Di, where it was deployed against a rebel destroyer. Marines boarded and decisively captured the enemy ship, suffering 9 casualties, inflicting 391 casualties, and capturing 3,428 crew. 3 BOARDS were shot down on approach resulting in the death of 48 marines and 3 USSC navigators. All USSC cruisers and frigates are expected to be fitted with BOARD systems by 2207.

>no formal education of any kind
The informal language education must be pretty pretty good in your 3rd world country.

Las Vegas isn't quite a 3rd world country, but thank you!

Well that isn't quite true, after receiving hundreds of thousands immigrates from California your on the verge.being declared lost.

It's a bad idea to start a story with a lot of exposition, which some people might call "world building." It bores the reader. Start off with something exciting to draw the readers attention and keep them interested. This reads like a wikipedia article.

>world building
>bores the reader
Not in year of our lord, Sanderson-san.

post the part where you expose the intergalactic jewry

Start with pov
Always start the first "scene" in pov of an individual, can be completely irrelevant to main story, use that for exposition, always, in pov
Always begin in pov.
In pov lies the way
pov is the best porn

t. sci-fi/fantasy only reading nigger

this
pls op

Thank you for the constructive criticism. This is not the introduction to the story.

In my story the main character is a Marine who is deployed to board enemy ships and engage in close quarters combat in a very unforgiving vacuum (and sometimes zero G, and toxic) environment where most of his friends are killed. He is very patriotic and loves serving in the military, he looks forward to the day he can be dischared and go to college, but after killing several men and watching many of his friends die, he begins to become demoralized and simpithize with the the rebels. He wants to return home and be with his wife and son, but after witnessing the mass execution of much of his platoon he becomes an even more merciless and effective soldier, receiving many accolades, medals, and awards. He ends up becoming an alcoholic and high ranking enlisted man in his 30s after being divorced from his wife and losing custody of his son. He spirals further into insanity and is executed by firing squad arter murdering several POWs under his supervision. His son also enlists in the military at the age of 18, knowing almost nothing about his father, and only meeting him once when he was a child.

There is much more to the story but that's the bread and butter.

Im not going to name the juden, but a big part of the story is how he is young optimistic loving man, who is destroyed by the horrors of war and the politicians who send young men to die for no reason.

(No I'm not some anti war hippy, Im not trying to make a statement about anything, just acknowledge the toll combat takes on men)

I'm a distinguished amateur military/genre-fiction writer, let me help you out kid.

>Lex Gunsteel was the best commander in B.O.A.R.D. He had got the medal for Most Impressive Military Person when he lead the invasion of Glernok 5, a battle not unlike one called D-Day which he had read of once in one of his history books (you are reading correctly, dear reader; to Lex, D-Day itself is just a distant piece of human history, so far in to the future is he). The dropships dumped them in the ocean a mile off shore and they marched along the seabed erupting on to the beaches like a wave that forget to turn around and go back in the ocean, but this was a wave of muscle, sweat and death. Gunsteel stroked his long cold phaser gun as he remembered the friends he lost, soon rubbing the barrel pensively as it warmed from the friction of his caress. "I can't believe I'm going to be taught by Lex Gunsteel himself" said the handsome recruit, shirtless and oily with his own sweat from morning training. "Can't wait to go out there and tag some Bladnarks, sir" he beamed as he rubbed his bulbous and defined abdominals. Lex could tell he'd never left Sector 87 let alone seen a Bladnark up close. He wouldn't be so eager if he had...

Boy this sure is some good right-leaning litterature.

>(you are reading correctly, dear reader; to Lex, D-Day itself is just a distant piece of human history, so far in to the future is he

>You actually took the time to type all this on a Guatemalan pokemon trading card website

Think about that

>Not enjoying the falseflag for what it is

I did, and have concluded that I'm 5 minutes closer to work ending.

id read that desu

That doesn't sound bad. But the excerpt you posted sounds like an advertisement. Like, you have those scenes in movies where they introduce some cool new weapon and list all of its strengths, missile types etc. It's really not very engaging, way too many dry facts and numbers. I doubt all this info is needed to understand the rest of the story.

Jesus no

If anthing the point of view of thjs story is pretty left leaning, although im right leaning personally

>work
Please continue to protest why you deserve $15/hr

Thank you for the input. It is a paragraph where a training officer is telling the recruits the purpose of their delivery vehicle. However you make a good point about dry information. I will take that into consideration.

Why would he talk like that? Have you ever heard a training officer talk?
>LISTEN UP YOU BUNCH OF FAGGOTS! THIS HERE IS THE BOARD! THE BOARD IS THE DICK THAT WILL SQUIRT YOU BUNCH OF EFFEMINATE SEMEN RIGHT INTO THE ENEMY'S THIRSTY CUNT!

But I make $21 an hour. What a baseless assumption on your part, you must feel pretty foolish right about now.

...

I have actually been in the military and yes, training personnel literally read you PowerPoint presentations in a classroom. Pic related,
I remember this one in particular when I was stationed in Saudi Arabia
But I see your point, a reader seeking entertainment may not enjoy monotonous details.

That's not something to brag about dude.

I'm a undistinguished Veeky Forumstard with absolutely no skill in writing, but I'd unironically probably write this into something like

>Cpt Gunsteel, distinguished for leading the initial invasion of Glernok 5 [...]
>The dropship employed a complex system of air brakes to prepare for beaching [...]
>As the soldiers prepared to sortie they first had to warm the barrels of their guns to prevent any frosting [...]

At least put in some effort in your funposting.

Why do you assume I'm bragging?

Could you not purple my prose without my consent THANK YOU!

To add to my statement, I actually dumbed down my writing and did not include things like "briefing notification 537-1A for distribution and dissemination to all 0-1 and E6+ personnel" because I realize a reader wouldn't want details like that, but I suppose I should dumb it down even more. Good point.

You should name the jew. The future is in naming the jew. We're past the omg you can't do that stage, reaching the dirty taboo but everyone half-intelligent knows about it stage, and will soon be in the make $$$ off it stage.