Send my crush 400 words of brilliant, refined prose

> he hasn't already given up

Don't worry son, you'll get there eventually.

haha ok so we're having a giggle at intentionally bad writing then
in that case, it's pretty funny. "atop one another" made me lol out loud irl

3 hours is not an appropriate amount of time to properly compose 400 words of "brilliant refined prose."

M8 are you in middle school.

Fucking lmao.

yep

I'm wet, user.

should have written her joyce style like a real man

>more than 140 characters
pleb

>400 words of brilliant, refined prose

read below:

"... [t]his vanity about style is couched in an even more pathetic conceit: perfection. There is not a single poet who, as minor as he may be, hasn't sculpted (the verb tends to figure in his conversation) the perfect sonnet, a minuscule monument that safeguards his possible immortality, and which the novelties and effacements of time will be obligated to respect. It is usually a sonnet without curlicues, though the whole thing is a curlicue, that is, a shred of futility."

"The perfect page, the page in which no word can be altered without harm, is the most precarious of all. Changes in language erase shades of meaning, and the "perfect" page is precisely the one that consists of those delicate fringes that are so easily worn away. On the contrary, the page that becomes immortal can traverse the fire of typographical errors, approximate translations, and inattentive or erroneous readings without losing its soul in the process. One cannot with impunity alter any line fabricated by Gongora (according to those who restore his texts), but Don Quixote wins posthumous battles against his translators and survives each and every careless version. Heine, who never heard it read in Spanish, acclaimed it for eternity. The German, Scandinavian, or Hindu ghost of the Quixote is more alive than the stylist's anxious verbal artifices."

"I would not wish that the moral of this assertion be understood as desperation or nihilism. Nor do I wish to foment negligence, nor do I believe in a mystical virtue of the awkward locution and the shoddy epithet. I am stating that the voluntary emission of those two or three minor pleasures-the ocular distraction of metaphor, the auditory distraction of rhythm, and the surprises of an interjection or a hyperbaton-usually proves that the writer's overriding passion is his subject, and that is all. Genuine literature is as indifferent to a rough-hewn phrase as it is to a smooth sentence."

>the first word is fucking "candlelight"

Lest this come across too bad...

You have talent, alright? But you can't bruteforce something like that. You need to develop it more.

we should reinstate the death penalty for special cases like tthis

>velvet plush on the walls

tacky af desu

It's filled with cliche's: "lost in a labyrinth of love". I mean, c'mon dude.
It seems like you're not just shitposting but never, ever send a love letter like this again. You're not in a war, emotions are cheap. She isn't your wife, you can't win her this way.

>We gazed into each other, both lost in a labyrinth of love, feeling the goosebumps on our skin and the warm, amorous breath on our necks.

spooky.

But what if OP doesn't have a fart fetish?

>Candlelight bounced off the velvet plush on the walls.

If this chick isn't into 19th century Irish prose then this is already cringe.

Jesus Christ guy, it's literally current year. Get a Tinder and type something mindless like "hey bae I wanna eat your ass" and stop overthinking this shit. Women are retarded, emotional creatures. This isn't difficult.

>my crush

There's your first problem

>vortex of ethereal pleasure
>the parting of pure and pearly gates
>thunderous heart beats
You need to tone down the metaphors a bit. Write short, clear sentences. Be original in your subject matter.
Lastly, sending a simple poem to your crush will definitely work better than a pompous sex story.

That's Borges m8

I know, I posted both the post and its reply. I just wanted to soften the blow a little. I know how easy it is to get completely discouraged.

haha op is in love with someone lmao what a fuckin DORK

how about just be a Chad next time instead of sending her your fuckin DIARY t b h f a m

>400 words
>spent 3 hours

Maybe you shouldn't pretend to be an intellectual when you're only a frogposting brainlet

Lmao, you dun fucked up.

>it's
Stopped reading

>translated Borges

m8 she was being nice
this is shit

On one hand
>sending your "crush" 400 straight-up words
On the other
>only spending 3 hours writing something to the person you love

No discernible talent.

Sorry op this is really not that good. You're OBVIOUSLY trying hard to impress a girl. This cannot be your motivation for writing. Trust me.

>both lost in a labyrinth of love
I burst into laughter tbqh

Writing never impressed women. It didn't impress them centuries ago, it won't impress them nowadays. Fame impresses them.

However, there's an exception to every rule.

I used to write "analysis" of works I liked, mostly music. A woman was so impressed she sent me an e-mail with her phone number. I called her that evening. And we spent almost every night talking on the phone for a month. I met her a month and a half later in Paris. She was gorgeous, which is quite rare with cultured women. I could cry just remembering her heart beating at an incredible rate the first time I met her. We spent three days together, the best time of my life. She broke my heart when she said she wanted an "open" relationship because she didn't want me to waste my youth - I was 19 at the time - in a long distance relationship with a 32 year old. "Open" relationship basically meant "let's happily cuck each other" to me so I dumped her. It still hurts.

Months later, I sent her e-mails, trying to understand what was the point of this whole meeting. She implied that she succesfully tried to make me dump her because she was literally obsessed with me. She was slightly psychotic and her mental health was deteriorating because of me. I dodged a bullet but, as I said, it still hurts.

/Blog

This is better written than OP's stuff lol.

hahahahaha
The prose, I mean the vocabulary, is pretty nice, but that's about it. It's pretty bland and I cannot take you images seriously

just send a picture of your dick next time like a normal person in 2017
she'll show it to her friends, they'll laugh at you
but at least you won't have spent 3 hours "working on it" to feel the same way you do now

Everyone is ridiculing you in here OP, but you have a lot of potential. Just try scaling back the metaphors, using fewer adjectives/adverbs/etc., and using more original comparisons. I liked the part about her eyes being like two brown suns, because it felt fresher than saying her lips were red like a fig, which is something we've seen before.

this

I can write 400 words in roughly 12-15 minutes.

and it would be trash

>implying Veeky Forums isn't the death penalty

Not based off the bulk of the reviews/ratings I've had for my books. I typically have a novel written within 25-30 days of writing.

It could be worse, you could've accidentally sent that to your dad instead. Count your blessings.

Ouch.

Is that your zombie/rape fantasy thing?

You're too verbose, and your words are the same old cliched metaphors. Stop pretending you're Henry Fielding. This isn't the 1700s.

Agreed. He just needs to tell her that he wants to beat dat pussy up.

Zombie survival series, action post-apoc, erotica, and I've also gotten positive feedback for my drama. You can check out the drama novella for free here if you want, though admittedly it could use an edit. Wrote it in just 5 days almost half a year ago, still haven't gotten around to touching it up, I've been told it has a couple typos but all in all the feedback was otherwise very good.

If it's shitty, I'd like to hear where and how. It's the third book I've written, I've since wrote five more, so I've improved. Still debating on what my ninth book will be, I'm thinking a sequel for Firearm Valhalla since it seems to be relatively popular, in fact literally within the past hour or two I've gotten yet another sale for it. I wonder if this one is from Australia as well...

lulu.com/shop/j-n-morgan/another-one-please-to-dull-the-pain/ebook/product-23229284.html#productDetails

Thunderous heart beats isn't a metaphor, and I'm not 100% that a vortex of ethereal pleasure is either

That wasn't my point. Either OP is sending 400 words to a casual acquantaince like an autist, or he's half-assing his love letters.

Just tell her to sit on your face and squirm.

Damn dude thats pretty fuckin autistic

I mean it's good but youre gonna stay a virgin forevermore if you keeo doing this kind of shit