Confession Thread

Have you ever lied about what you've put on a plate? Backed yourself into a corner by presenting a ready meal as cooked from scratch? Can the "secret family recipe" really be found at the back of a cake mix box?

Spit it out, Veeky Forums.

I have. I do it with yeast rolls all the time. I buy the dough. Let it rise and bake it. Butter the top and dress it up a bit.

People always say " you made these?"

Yep, I sure did.

One time I served grilled hamburgers, and called them steamed hams.

After a gross misunderstanding, my insanely picky eater of a mother-in-law now thinks the jarred chilli sauce I used once when I was ill, is my own recipe.

And she loves it.

As such, every time she comes over, always tactfully asking me to perhaps cook that dish, I have to secretly buy the damn sauce and use it to cook for her, while everyone else gets my real chilli, else they'll know the difference.

I hate having to do it so now I've started diluting the store-bought version with mine, hoping for a complete flip within the next few months.

Steamed germs?

You did make those. You just skipped a few steps for economy... like building a log cabin from a kit, or abducting a child.

>mom: Hey user let's make a Tiramisù tomorrow when we have people over for dinner
>k mom, but this time only if I can make it real, that is with eggs, no cream bullshit
>mom: oh yeah there was that recipe for pasteurization, it's fine... you know I don't want raw eggs
2 days later
>mom: btw that tramisù really was better, was pasteurization easy?
>kinda

I didn't pasteurize the eggs, fellas.

I often spit in the food I make for people just because

I lie all the time about vegan/vegetarian stuff, like fuck I'm gonna use separate pans for picky eaters or buy shit fake ingredients

You are from upstate New York?

pasteurize my eggs please

When people ask me what I put into a sauce, I panic and lie. Much like if someone asks me for directions and I don't want to say 'sorry mate, I'm not from round here'. I just send them the complete opposite direction to me and hope I have enough time to escape

You cook professionally?

Yes, yes, shitposting for the sake of it is so edgy amongst you teenagers these days.

I quit my job and pretended we lost the contract and I was laid off so I could be lazy and get sympathy points while looking for a new job far too slowly.

Wait, shit, I thought I was on /adv/ sorry.

hi im gonna hide your post now, k?

Hm. I've used pork fat in a braised dish and served it at a dinner party with some jewish guests present. Not out of malice or anything. I've tried to make it with different fats and it's just not as good. Honestly, I think it was a don't ask, don't tell scenario. Everyone thought it was good. No regrets.

So what do you say you put in the sauce?

>looking for a new job far too slowly...
>...while eating far too much fast food I claimed I was cooking myself.

There, Board appropriate.

You're gonna wanna take a left out of here and then the first right will be the onramp to i-95. Just take that until you see the mall and then take the first exit.

Yes, that's exactly how I rationalize it

For the first time in my history on this board, I actually mean pic related.

I read "Board Appétit" at first and thought that was funny

Not wrong. I'm going to try and make takoyaki this weekend.

nothing beats a good, homemade vindaloo, painstakingly put together from nothing

i confess

Imbecile

Once I served Krusty Burgers to my boss when the ham I was cooking got burned and I called the Krusty Burgers, "steamed hams."

That was quite a day, my friend.

I'm an extremely picky eater, and I talk shit about foods I've never eaten.

Hold on a minute.

Are you telling me that you actually purchased fast food and passed it off as your own?

How... delightfully devilish of you.

that's elaborate, user!

I cooked lamb hearts for a lassie on valentines day once and didn't realise for years how spergy an idea that was. The meal went down a treat though.

did you fuck the dog after you fed lassie her gross ass dog food, you ugly dog fucking ugly man.

you'd win me over, user

Even for Veeky Forums standards, you come across as laughably idiotic, just an fyi.

Every time I make grilled cheese for my family, I lie to them. It's not actually grilled, it's pan-toasted...

If there are standards here, something has gone wrong.

You monster!

and yet he got a (you)