Write what's on your mind

>I missed out on my chance to be a teenager (go to parties, drink and do drugs, go to prom, etc
If it makes you feel better, I suspect we have similar personalities and general interest, and I tried all those things a couple times and hated them. I would much rather stay home and read than go to party so that's what I do usually. Maybe it's because I have so little in common with my friends who I only connected with through drugs in HS and sort of keep in contact with because I can't make new ones.

I am reading LeCarre, A Legacy of Spies.

It revisits The Spy Who Came In From the Cold, the moral shadiness of the op. After 50 years, the chickens have come home to roost. It's good stuff. A clever premise, very nicely developed.

I'm halfway through, but the story has so much juice and momentum I feel like LeCarre is a champion. I'm hoping the book sticks the landing. We shall see.

PS: I had a hardback copy of The Secret Pilgrim laying around for ages. The cover art gave me the impression it would be a boring book. Tbqh, I stumbled on a synopsis of the book in Wikipedia that intrigued me, because I didn't know Smiley was part of the story. Anywho, I read it and it was rather good. B+. But the book never developed as much momentum and narrative interest as Legacy of Spies has halfway through.

PPS: I've started to read The Tailor of Panama. The first 60-odd pages were rather brilliant, but then there was a falling off in momentum. I hope it picks up again. Now what led me to ToP was read - or really mostly skimming - LeCarre's memoir. He has a chapter on the real-life tailor that inspired the book; and one about the person who inspired the creation of Alec Leamas; and also has some interesting things to say about the making of the Swciftc film. And a nice chapter about Alec Guinness.

>because I can't make new ones
This is me. It feels awful.

This movie is so fucking good
youtube.com/watch?v=rkc7EQwosBw

The only thing on my mind is the health of Bugs. He really needs to go easy on the carrots.

Depression fucking SUCKS

I WANT THIS TO STOP

consider this.

?

Just do drugs senpai

I hope I nail my grad school interview.

What

This, taking drugs until i had to drop out of college and subsequently becoming an alcoholic have done wonders for my depression.

I've seriously considered suicide several times this year. Not kidding.

The sensation of morning sunlight beaming down on the young man's face was the most genuine feeling of actual warmth that he had been given in weeks. Beggars can't be choosers especially if you’re locked away in a cell by the British Army for 2 weeks with little to no human interaction. However, the young man's next destination would be his last, and he was well aware of that. Dry blood litters his boyish face as the two redcoats viciously drag him across the muddy-green lawn, finally tossing him under a willow tree as he gasps for air. One of the soldiers begins to wrap a rough piece of rope around the boys neck while the second redcoat ties the other side of the rope to the tallest branch in the tree. A crowd starts gather at this point, waiting in anticipation for the upcoming spectacle. Panting, out of breath, scared, in shock, the young man looks around desperately trying to find a way out of his current predicament. He sees nothing. Realizing that this is the end of his journey, he straightens his posture, lifts up his chin, looks directly into the crowd, and shouts in a raspy voice, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country!”And with that last final phrase, the crows screeched and Nathaniel Hale met his maker. The life of Nathaniel Hale represents the three key characteristics of a radical: strong determination, a clever wit to see the plan through, and a controversial legacy for decades to come. Radicals must meet this criteria in order to be remembered in the pages of revolution.

Nice. Nathan Hale is a hero in the intelligence community. Good imagery.

>be me about 2 hours ago
>walk all the way down town to get car from the garage attached to the mall
>free parking if you leave after 1:00 (or so I thought)
>garage employee still manning the gate's arm
>$24 to leave
>fuckthat.epub
>wait it out for an hour
>thinking about mcdonald's new buttermilk crispy chicken strips (made with no preservatives or artificial coloring)
>multiple fights almost take place by my car
>all of them drunk black men
>not racist, but tonight isn't a good one for the black community
>2:00 am rolls around
>gatekeeper finally hangs up his boots
>start to drive out of garage
>a group of four black men walking in front of me on my drive out
>one walking intentionally slow in front of my car
>"oh, he coonin', nigga he coonin'!"
>they laugh so outrageously loud it's almost ironic
>the echos in the otherwise silent garage make their laughs seem even louder
>probably drunk. I hope they make it home.
>brush it off and make my way to mcdonalds
>listening to college radio
>"we play the stuff nobody else will play"
>turn off the radio for playing nothing but /mu/core
>hate myself for knowing what /mu/core is
>get to the drivethrough
>line is about 12 cars long and parking lot is full
>I've already waited this long
>play some music from my phone through the aux
>shuffle all
>/mu/core by memeband
>skip
>/mu/core by memeband2
>turn volume down and hum along ironically
>5 cars away
>loud black customer angrily screaming at mcdonald's employee
>repeatedly asking the kid working if he was "fuh real rai nah"
>turn up the music a few notches to drown this joker out
>after a few cars I finally pull up to the window
>instantly greeted by cashier
>weccum to mcdonalds, whacanni getchu?
>can tell he's had a busy night with all of the customers
>Hi, I'll have a 6 piece of your buttermilk chicken tenders please
>sarry suh, but we all out uh da buttamilk chickin rai nah
>brief silence. almost unnoticeable.
>almost.
>I can getchu somth-
>no thanks.
>drive off.
>That fucking nigger.
>speed all the way home sing/crying through a joanna newsom song about how being a woman is hard
>run upstairs and shitpost on Veeky Forums

you played yourself

Sarcasm or genuine praise? Hard to tell over the internet.

Genuine. I could see the handsome young lad trying to escape his fate. Settle down Poindexter.

Oh thanks then. It was just my intro for my essay on radicals.

I had gas all night like something inside me had died then just now when taking a shit I remembered that I ate two large roast garlic cloves yesterday and that's probably it.

>I have a week left to prepare a pitch for a writing job and I'm reading this dumb site out of habit instead of working. Feels bad.
I have a job application for a top tier position I've been vying for over the last two years due in a few days. I have locked myself in my office and am spending 90% of the time on Veeky Forums, Veeky Forums, or just dicking around online.

It's terrible. I've had a lot of time to prepare my application but here I am.

My name is Marshall Mathers, I'm an alcoholic

I wamt to buy a van, live in it, and write some books in french

I'm alone ,my dog cut her paw last night and the vet only opens tomorrow, I will fail my classes this semester and I have not a single drop of motivation/discipline to do what I have to, also benzodiazepine withdrawns are pure hell. Stay the fuck away from this drugs.

I'm unsure if I keep reading philosophy or come back to fiction.

I proudly "commit" the fundamental attribution "error"

pretty funny

My mind has more or less evaporated under the stress and misery of street life. I miss being able to think. I miss having goals that seemed attainable. Now all I have to look forward to is either getting SSI and collecting neetbux for the rest of my life, or not getting it and killing myself.

I'm feeling vainly proud as I have read much more than I normally would this week and quite sasfied knowing if I keep up this pace I could finish the back log of books I have

Haven't masturbated in a week and my testosterone levels are back up, gonna start spinning through my dating app of choice to get something going. The last two nights I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about this redhead I met at my old job, which she just started and I just left. I should try to get in touch with her.

Was in the same boat, recently got back into fiction and found it refreshing.

I'm sorry to hear that. Have you talked with a therapist?

Keep it up!

There's nothing to talk about. Like I said, my mind has evaporated.

"My mind has evaporated" is something. Is it depression?

WE ADDICTED TO DOPAMINE
DELAY OR ABSTAIN FROM INSTANT GRATIFICATION
SELF DISICPLINE IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS

Probably

I've felt like that for about half a year now except the entire time I've been calling it "my brain turned into pudding"

...

If it makes you feel any better, I have lived like a normie for a year while I was a teenager. Did drugs, fucked girls, hung out with big groups of friends. And guess what? I hated every second of it. Yeah you could argue that it's easy for me to say this but you missed nothing essential. A big amount of people go without this shit and some of them are better off for it. It's not too late. Making new friends is hard, damn near impossible even but you gotta reach out at one point. If it fails, you had nothing to lose to begin with.

I am incredibly frustrated with myself, i dont think i articulate myself well enough to my psychiatrist i cant seem to tell her how i really feel i just brush it off like its "bad" i cant bring myself to be honest, my life is in constant torment and i cannot kill myself. The only place where i can be honest with my emotions is on a fucking imageboard.

And jesus christ my writing and english become fucking terrible when im tired, i write like a robot with a concussion.

i do love you people

I'm going to fail nearly all my classes this semester, I have no motivation. Been talking to this girl a bit lately, can't tell if she's into me or is just a really friendly and social person. probably the latter. I have an acid trip planned with a couple of my high school friends next month. That's really the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. I've made a couple of new friends this semester, which is nice. I wish I had some fucking motivation to better my life.

love you too user. and you should just tell the dumb doctor what's on your mind, test the brainlet's ability.

love all you silly fucks tee bee aytch

I think I'll read the Dhammapada for starters. Would prefer a pali/english parallel translation with annotations and commentary on the various translations and meanings of each word. Any suggestions?
Was thinking about this nanda.online-dhamma.net/tipitaka/sutta/khuddaka/dhammapada/dhp-contrast-reading/dhp-contrast-reading-en-chap01/#id5

Even when I'm masturbating to some fat husk of a woman, I think of you. You're in the darkest recess of my mind, I just want to coat your cute face in my seed: drops of white sauce dripping off your nose and forehead. I want to see it, and photograph it mentally; my personal image for masturbation material, one I'll never forget.

Disgusting

ty

This is too relatable.

Street life? Are you homeless?

I graduated with a shit degree from a good school and now I live with my mom in my small hometown and work a shitty job that pays shitty pay and all my friends live in nice apartments in big cities and and they make more money than either of my parents make and they have girlfriends and/or they just have sex a lot with hot girls and I haven't felt a single romantic feeling in like 3 years and even that wasn't very good and the one girl who I used to love in HS also lives at home but she has a dickhead boyfriend and she hurt me so much that I don't even want to talk to her or think about her but I see her driving sometimes and we've passed going opposite directions on the bridge over the river and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just slammed my car into hers head on.

Sweet jesus

i wish i had some money

here you go

I'm writing narrative poetry for the first time and it's fucking delightful. Holy shit I'm having a blast. Why didn't I do this sooner?

too busy suckin dick

>>hate myself for knowing what /mu/core is
This.

>been writing notes about my story ideas on my phone for the past year or so
>write in it nearly every day
>it's just one huge page
>today I accidentally tapped select all instead of just select when trying to fix something
>happens sometimes, whatever
>tap elsewhere to remove the selection
>realize I almost tapped a letter on the phone's keyboard
>almost erased a year's worth of notes and ideas
I've never been so spooked in my life. Time to make backups.

I want to read a biography of your life user.

Is it wrong to start a relationship with a girl when I already decided I'm going to kill myself in a few months

Dear beautiful woman who I had to go away from,

I am lonely, and I know that you are too, hell you even told me so.
I have this awful gut feeling that you are injured by something great and terrible, and I know that I am too. I know that you torture yourself, overthink everything, live with those residual monsters in the back of your mind from whatever the hell it is that happened to you. In that way we are the same.
You can see things most other people cannot see, you are stronger than everyone else in a way that makes me look at you in awe, in a way that I understand. I think I know where that comes from. I'm so sorry you had to go to that place as well. I know you've suffered because I've been there myself. From what you've told me, from how you act, how you retreat into yourself, I can see it.
Do you know what the most beautiful thing in the world is? It's when two people who've been chewed up and spit out can find one another, reach out a shaking, hopeful hand, embrace each other and step out of the darkness together. I want to be vulnerable with you.
You call yourself strange, but to me your scars make you more beautiful than any woman in the world, even more so since nobody else but you and I can see them. You're a person who can't see how incredible she is and that makes me heartsick. I want you to have that. You don't deserve to be left out in the cold that way and I won't stand for it.
I want to shelter you with everything I am, hold you tightly in my arms and say "I know who you are." Until then, please, take care of yourself, keep fighting and know that you don't have to be alone anymore. Recently you told me something which shook me to my core as you shouted it from across the country. "Don't go away."

I think I'm in love with you.

Shut the fuck up.

yes, just man up and take good care of her, lover her for life (if shes the one)

>Calculate the volume of water traveling past point A in X minutes.

Can't be done, nigga.

>Dear beautiful woman from whom I had to go away

FTFY, my delusional dude

I don't usually post on this board, despite it being the reason I now read, but I'm both worried for this board's culture as well as my own becoming a writer. It's maybe inappropriate to draw parallels, but I feel it conducive to pressuring myself.

I've begun an MFA program and they're fully covering me, despite so many others going into debt to attend. It's a a greater weight than I thought possible, because I am still so young and unsure of why I'm creating these worlds. My professors are proud of me, recommend me to others, but I see on this board what might so easily become my own story.

I really loathe what's become of many threads here, the /pol/lacks who clearly haven't read, the pursuit of meme literature, the lack of integrity, the antagonism as a result of personal shortcomings; all things correlated to my own dealings with other writing students. I revolted by this retardation and yet horrified by the possibility I too belong to something less than what I'm striving for. I don't want to sit around discussing books and culture in a posture, I want to lay intimately with words and yet I see the potential to fail every day in those incapable students amassing debt. I have no choice but to consume more writing, break my voice until it strengthens into something my own more and more.

I hope I can return to Veeky Forums after my first book and tell people how little I posted or agreed with others here, that honesty and love are all that matter. I really hope I can return one day to say that truthfully.

Stop being such a queer.

Nobody cares. Leave, faggot.

She's a japanese foreign exchange student who is leaving the country in a few months, we don't have a lot in common but she is very cute. It's weird seeing how happy she is, it's a bit contagious too. I hope she won't blame herself and lose that optimism when I leave.

>taking drugs until i had to drop out of college and subsequently becoming an alcoholic have done wonders for my depression.
lol my life, I think I would have fucked up without them anyway

>is in a position where girls will date him
>still wants to kill himself

Goddamn, dude, you know how many people slog though life without any semblance whatsoever of a love life? If you can fuck, you can live.

how deep is the lore?

Why does a rabbit wear gloves?

bugs is a gentleman

I remember having a steadfast belief that I could never deserve to be happy.
I had to accept a lot of social anxiety and keep myself humble when I first started breaking out of my shell and finding friends.
Suddenly, happiness began to come to me. It can be faux happiness, a passing happiness that comes and goes after a second thought and sometimes leaves an afterglow. There is trully enjoyable enduring happiness at points, a feeling which brings a sincere pleasure to our trivial experiences in an encompassing manner.
Sometimes those thoughts come back. I don't know whether everyone goes through those thoughts, but at the end of the day it's a cross to bear: carry it with dignity and pride.
The good news is that even though this voice may never go away, but persistently trying to be happy helps.

I'm (apparently) attractive enough to have girls start conversation with me but too autistic to do anything about it. I'm a kissless virgin if that makes you feel better. Not the reason I want to kill myself though, I think there's something wrong with my brain.

Passion is good, obsession is better.

How much have you written? Currently writing anything? Planning on writing anything?

Try things with the girl and maybe you'll feel better and decide to stick around for a few more years.

I have recently been "diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." I'm trying to figure out what that means, or if I have a choice in how I perceive that now that someone has tried to mark me with a named idea. I feel like it's all really a load of shit you know? Because at least as far as I can tell, reacting to traumatic events and developing awareness of danger as a result seems like a healthy, reasonable failsafe mechanism for a creature trying to survive. If someone goes through trauma and doesn't change, I ought to think there's something terribly wrong with them. It's gotten me thinking about the power of naming things, or taking names away from our ideas, and how our perceptions are influenced by that.

I don't want to be marked by someone else's idea, at least not one that will influence my perception of myself.

I feel that bro. I'm a neuro major and I don't interact with anybody who is representative of the attitudes/backgrounds of Veeky Forums. Growing suspicion that I'm addicted to browsing this fuckin site and that it's culture rubbing off on me

Veteran or Weinstein victim?

I have a few short stories, a novella, collection of poems too.
Working on two novels and a novella. Program is only two years so going to focus on first novel; second requires more knowledge of architecture and Spanish.

Thanks bruh. I realized halfway through undergrad that people act like Veeky Forums even if they don't go on Veeky Forums, and just ended up hanging with professors in different departments. The site provided me an avenue to access art and culture, but being Jewish permanently left me feeling unwelcome. /Mu/ and Veeky Forums were alright for awhile, but you see how it's getting here. Lot of people bitter they aren't dedicated/talented enough to get away with vague knowledge of a topic. Good luck in study, man. I had a friend at an ivy double-major in neuro and comp lit, co-taught with their philosophy chair and is now in a med program. You can pursue all interests at once, just pace yourself.

are you saying your gonna kill yourself for attention, or to exaggerate, why would you actually, you are only in school? And have a chance to start a relation with a Japanese girl? What does she study, what do yo ustudy?

everybody else is an incredibly lame category to be in

ex opiate addict here

drugs are a nice band-aid for your boo-boos, but unless you properly dress the wounds, they'll fester into something much more hideous. painful antiseptic over gangrenous amputation, any day my friends

as for ameliorating depression, all I can say is: baby steps. rome wasn't built in a day, but pompeii only needed one to die

tell your psych exactly that. and if you can't, write it out then read it aloud. that's exactly what I did (I literally had the same frustration) and it was really useful for moving forward

stop complaining, stop regretting, stop comparing. try doing

don't worry about Veeky Forums. that's retarded. and for the love of god stop trying so hard

good shit man your friend sounds like a dedicated motherfucker.Thanks for the advice btw.

biggest roadblock in my experience has been getting wasted on the weekends which leaves less time to work on other interest, is that in the culture at your school?

>ameliorating

Uhh my undergrad was really lame when it came to parties, but my brother attends a huge state school and does chem engineering and film theory. He rages but is still doing honors chem and writing published papers. I would say you gotta do what you gotta do to tolerate orgo, just hydrate and be willing to sleep less if you still wanna have fun.

Grad school is a little different in that students go out to commiserate about having chosen a profession of no monetary value, but I also cannot understand how people go out for drinks every night in such an expensive city (answer: they don't pay for anything).

You take yourself way to seriously

You've said this a few different ways now. How does it harm you? What are you doing for your own situation my guy? Never been called that irl so aside from riffing too hard on the ending of Bolano's Antwerp for my first post what's your gib?

Go read something from a tradition outside your own and drink some water. It's just a fatbugs thread.

This is too earnest to be a shitpost. Don't worry about being part of a literary community here, or anywhere. Wear this place lightly. It's just a bunch of faggots talking about memes but also some actual good works. You don't need a community to approve of you, just think and express ideas in a way that is pleasing. You'll be ahead of 99% of all wannabes and posers. MFA is shit, just finish it and be grateful.

-OP

I'm a marine biology student, she's a psychology student. I lost literally everything that wasn't in my suitcase almost 4 years ago. My parents passed away in that period of time, and my best friend killed himself. I pushed away most of my other friends except for 2. I don't have money to keep paying for school or rent anymore.

To be honest my father left an inheritance of half a million for me, but when he was ill his brothers manipulated his will in a way that it would go to them. I've been having to deal with lawyers and government agencies for 4 years, it seems it's finally going to be resolved in February, so I decided I'll do it then, if I don't get the money. I must seem really lazy right now, wanting to kill myself just because I want easy money without having to work.

not the best word choice? then let's say 'remedying'