19, M, 1.5 years lifting and trying to become a better person; Today I cried whitout even knowing why. Lately I've been feeling completely numb, except for certain moments of pure sadness and anguish.
I've been feeling so much lonely lately, I am actually trying to meet people and be social, in fact, I don't have any problem socializing. Thing is, to get my studies I've moved out to another city where I don't know anybody, and of the 25 people in the class, few people talk to each other, 20 of them go back to their hometowns every weekend and the other 4 already know people here and basically go on their own.
Also, I can't help but constantly compare myself to others: the chads getting the hot af girls in clubs, the successful guys that are getting lots of money in their early 20s, or simply the ones that have others by their side. I know I should only focus on myself and making my own life a life worth living, but I can't help but compare my fail-ness to others and feel suicidal afterwards.
I also have heavily conflicted thoughs on sex/relationships/girls, everything I have ever tried have ended up badly, If I take a look at my heart I desperately crave for someone to be intimate with, not just pump&dump(tm), though if I take a look at my brain I know that girls will not settle up for a needy mess like me and that even if I tried something it would end badly again. I know that a girl won't fix all my life's problems, but it would be nice to have, but I know that's impossible to have, and I'm just clueless. So basically I want a gf, but know I can't have it and that the most logical option in this 21st century scene would be just pump&dumping, but can't. (If you made it through this paragraph, congrats).
Currently living, playing, cooking, lifting and studying on automode. Feeling like freeing up space in this planet, or simply feeling nothing at all.
