Depersonalization

Hey Veeky Forums, 20 year old user here,

So for my entire life, I have lived with a severe Depersonalization disorder. I have memories as early as 5 of questioning if I am actually alive and what reality and noticing a strong visual snow effect across my visual field.

It wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized I needed to seek professional help with it. I ended up self medicating with cannabis (which paradoxically improves my condition acutely but has quite a few drawbacks), opioids, and occasionally psychadelics, about a year after i started seeing psychiatrists and psychologists.

I was continuously told that I was unlikely to ever find a solution, as my case was very resist mentioned to treatment and comorbid with depression and very bad anxiety, 3 brain surgeries over a 12 month period, as well as the previously mentioned substance abuse.

After a handful of doctors and over a couple dozen medications (ssris, ssris, tricyclics, maois, antipsychotics, anticonvulsants, benzos, anticholinergics), including the few things out there which are indicated for depersonalization (selegeline, xanax), I finally think I might be onto a solution.

About a year ago I began seeing a doctor that I told myself would be the last if things didn't work out. I was surprised that instead of being given whatever was left to try in the serotoninergic antidepressant classes (which never brought positive results besides totally numbing and flattening my emotions), he allowed me to make a case for what I thought was worth trying after extensive and almost obsessive research.

Fast forward to today. I'm currently on 225mg pregabalin, 300mg armodafinil, 20-40mg baclofen, 4mg tiagabine, and 25mg hydroxyzine daily. I picked out each of these medications besides the hydroxyzine.

Cont

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I've been on all but the armodafinil (started 1.5 months ago) and the tiagabine (started 2 weeks ago) for about 6-9 months.

The pregabalin and baclofen did provide more benefit than anything I've tried up until that point, but the tiagabine was the diamond in the rough that had to this day been more beneficial and less harmful than anything I've been prescribed to this date, and this is only after a couple weeks of treatment.

The past week alone has been the most "normal" I've felt since before I started seeing doctors. I guess the stigma of being broken and unfixable attributed to that.

First and foremost, I know that I'm still early on in the tiagabine treatment, but I'm wondering if the addition of a GAT inhibiting drug like vigabatrin or valproate could lead to an even larger reduction of my symptoms if I replaced the pregabalin and/or baclofen with something like that. Vigabatrin is out of the picture due to cost.

But could the specific combination of medications be the key here?

Furthermore, I'm almost baffled by the lack of data on tiagabine out there. There's none research or even anecdotal data about it being used for depersonalization, and the data that is out there is quite limited.

Seeing how much of a difference I've noticed makes me wonder if tiagabine (or the combination with other medications) could be an unstudied solution to treatment resistant depersonalization. I understand from personal experience and from reading anecdotal reports that the resistance to everything you throw at the problem can be almost scarier and more disturbing than the original problem.

The thought that this could lead to helping so many people who've been in the same position as me has convinced me to ask around and see if there's any evidence here or if I'm just lucky.

Let me know your thoughts, I have a feeling that I might have caught on to something almost by chance.

Pic unrelated of course.

Just as a side note, I'm self taught about psychiatry and the mechanisms of the brain and am by no means an expert so if I'm missing the point please let me know

youtube.com/watch?v=FRJohy5kN0Y

If nothing else, at least this thread was able to provide solid evidence that sonic love tails. Thank you user

What does 'the most normal you've ever felt like' mean? Why do you think you can feel 'more' normal? I'm no expert but I'm curious. I haven't seen psychiatrists on Veeky Forums though. GAT inhibitor might be overkill and make you feel like a zombie but I guess it's subjective depending on the person.

Different DID user here. I also found cannabis a good treatment, but the best by far is meditation. I never really felt as tho I "was" an embodied being until the first time I really 'got' meditation.

Basically I've just not been constantly focusing on feeling dissociated and have been able to actually carry on conversations with people without being noticeably distant or preoccupied. It definitely helps with coping but even when I try to focus on my dissociation it doesn't feel as powerful as it otherwise would.

Hey its good to hear from someone else going through the same shit in one way or another.

I've tried dozens of times to meditate, and while I do find it calming, it just seems to make me feel even more out of it for some reason. Like my anxiety can be cleared away by meditating but it's like the dissociation is just constant background noise with no shut off.

>he allowed me to make a case for what I thought was worth trying after extensive and almost obsessive research.
Wow lucky you. What an unusual selection of medications though. Did you get puzzled looks at the pharmacy when you handed that prescription in?

yeah... anti-psychotics are a real pain but they help me sleep at night...