ITT : tell me your best joke Veeky Forums

...

MY

DEATH GRIPS

DIARY
no fuck you

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave her one

That's pretty sad.

Alright. So there is this undertaker who has to bury a young girl that recently passed away due to a car accident.
The undertaker runs into his office where he finds his two trainees having their lunch break. He shouts at them: "Who the hell put a shrimp between that girls legs?"
Both trainees look confused and one answers: "Well... That's not a shrimp. It's her clitoris."
Undertaker: "Oh. But it tasted like one."

(Sorry for the poor language. Not a native speaker here.)

You ruined it, the punchline is supposed to be "so he gave it to her"

If I wanted to laugh then I'd ask for your one rep max

what language is this? I couldn't comprehend a word. other-worldly syntax as well

I would, but there's a character limit, you'll have to read it yourself.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. She just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her

A priest, a mullah and a rabbi all walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says "what is this some kinda joke?"

A philosopher walks into a bar, and orders two shots of cheap vodka and a mug of acetone. He pours the shots into the mug, and then drinks it.
"What kinda drink is that?" the bartender asks, horrified.
"Water!" says Hegel, before dying.

can you explain senpai ?

Why did Mishima commit seppuku?

because he wanted to get a-HEAD in life!

Why is television called a medium?

Because rarely is anything well-done.

a rich man and a poor man are friends. they happen to have the same wedding anniversary. so one day they're talking and they ask what the other got his wife for their anniversary.

rich man says, "i got my wife a porsche and a diamond necklace"

poor man says, "why'd you get her that?"

rich man says "so if she doesn't like the diamond necklace, at least she'll be happy taking it back in her porsche. what did you get your wife?"

poor man says, "i got her a pair of slippers and a dildo"

rich man says, "why'd you get her that?"

poor man says, "so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

They say that "Pimpin' ain't easy"...but what they won't tell you is that being a prostitute is much much more difficult

Not him, but I think it's a joke about the "absolute mind" and the statement "everything that exists is rational." Not very funny, though.

That's not your joke, user, it's Norm Macdonald's, if I recall correctly.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

What is the difference between Jews and money?

I would give a shit if I lost six million dollars.

this one never made sense to me. who says "keep the tip"? of course they know they're supposed to keep the tip. "keep the change" makes more sense, but of course it doesn't fit the joke.

The tip of his dick fell off because he's a leper

i get that part, but no one would say "keep the tip" when they're tipping someone

A bartender is working at a bar. A dog walks in, sits at the bar, and says, "I'd like a gin martini." The bartender says, "Holy shit, a talking dog!"

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A NIGGER IS PREGNANT???

WHEN YOU PULL HER TAMPON OUT, ALL THE COTTON IS GONE

OH

This is the best joke in the world.

When I was at school, the red-nosed clown joke did the rounds. It was ruder then than it is now, but it's still differently funny. I've never heard it around since, but a university friend I'd told it to recently asked me to emal him it. Not one to waste 10 minutes of typing, here it is for you, too:

There's this guy, Dougie, who loves the circus. He adores the circus. Every time the circus comes to town, Dougie goes to see it. He sits in the front row, wearing his blue anorak.

One day, the circus comes to town and Dougie is thrilled to see it has a new clown with a red nose. All goes well until the Red-Nosed Clown decides to tell a joke. He looks around the audience, spots Dougie in his blue anorak, and approaches.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

"No", says Dougie, confused.

"Then are you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown.

"No...", says Dougie, hesitantly.

"Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, triumphantly.

The audience bursts into laughter, leaving Dougie feeling humiliated and hurt.

The next day, Dougie goes to the circus wearing his blue anorak and sits in the front row as usual. The high-wire act is thrilling, the jugglers are breath-taking, and then along come the clowns. Dougie's heart sinks when he sees the Red-Nosed Clown among them. Sure enough, part-way through the act the Red-Nosed Clown stops to tell a joke. His eyes are immediately drawn once more to Dougie in his blue anorak.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

"No...", says Dougie, apprehensively.

"Then are you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown.

"No", says Dougie, tears welling in his eyes.

"Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, gleefully.

Again, the audience roars with laughter, and Dougie looks a complete fool. He's very upset.

Now it turns out that Dougie has a friend: Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee. Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, is famous throughout the town for being a master of wit and king of repartee. If anyone can put an end to Dougie's torment, it's Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee. Dougie therefore decides to tell his story to Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, in the hope that he'll help.

"Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee", he begins, "there's a new, red-nosed clown at the circus and he keeps picking on me."

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, says, "That's very ungracious of him. He deserves to be taught a lesson."

"Could you come along tomorrow and sit next to me?" asks, Dougie, hopefully.

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, ponders for a moment, then says, "Yes, I think I shall."

cont. 1/2

cont. 2/2

"Oh thank you, Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee", says Dougie. "You'll show him!"

So the next day, Dougie goes along to the circus with Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, and they sit in the front row. The horse act is terrific and the trapeze is very exciting, and then out come the clowns.

The Red-Nosed Clown can't believe his eyes. There, sitting in the front row, is Dougie in his blue anorak. He goes straight over.

"Tell me, sir", he begins. "Are you the front end of an ass?"

Dougie looks to Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, who sagely shakes his head.

"No", says Dougie, confidently.

"Then ar you the back end of an ass?" continues the Red-Nosed Clown?

Dougie glances at Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, but again he just shakes his head, knowingly.

"No" replies Dougie.

Then I put it to you, that you are no end of an ass!" announces the Red-Nosed Clown, victoriously.

The audience shrieks with laughter, and poor Dougie feels very small, but then suddenly, Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, stands up.

The audience falls silence in astonishment, for they know him to be Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, and they know that he is a master of wit and king of repartee.

Nigel, master of wit and king of repartee, looks slowly around the room, then suddenly stabs a finger in the direction of the Red-Nosed Clown and glares at him right in the eye.

"You!" he shouts. "Fuck off, you red-nosed bastard!"

What's the difference between niggers and tires?

Tires don't sing when you put chains on them.

What's white on top and black on bottom?

The world.

What's black on top and white on bottom?

A rape.

So there were 2 squaws (slur for native woman) picking weeds in a field.
One of them pulled a carrot out of the ground and said to the other one: This reminds me of my old man's, eh
To which the other replied: huh, just as big?
The squaw with the carrot said: no, just as dirty.

What has two legs and is bleeding?
Half of a dog.

Autism confirmed

1/2
An American soldier acting as an army medic in Europe during WWII gets a furlough during which he goes to a small town and visits a diner where he orders a slice of cherry pie. It is by far the best thing he's ever tasted in his entire life, made even more so considering he's so far from home, in the middle of a war and in constant danger. This small comfort, this little piece of home, means so much to him, he vows to one day return to this exact diner and order the cherry pie once again.
Well, many years later after his wife is gone, his kids are grown and he is an old man nearing the end of his life, he decides it's time to make the trip back to that little diner and fulfill that promise he made to himself so long ago.
On the way there, however, the airplane's engine fails and it crashes into the sea killing everyone on board except our old man. He clings to a bit of wreckage and drifts for miles before getting caught in a terrible storm. He's tossed and thrown and nearly drowns many times over before washing ashore on a small desert island. After a couple days stranded with no food or way off the island, he is captured by a tribe of cannibals who take him back to their village where they torture him for days before preparing to eat him. One night, he manages to escape his bonds and, the tribe close on his heels, steals one of their small boats, and leaves the island behind.
After several days' rowing, he is thrown from his tiny boat by a large shark which bites off one of the old man's legs.

I think it's a Dialectic joke?

2/2
He manages to escape the shark and, using his army medic training, creates a tourniquet for his leg. He has very little strength left (as you can well imagine) but after coming so far and going through so much he is determined not to give up now; he WILL fulfill that promise he made to himself so long ago.
Having lost his oar, he paddles his small boat hand over hand in the direction he knows his destination must lie. FINALLY he reaches the shore, drags himself up the beach and to the roadside where he reaches for, and grabs the bumper of a passing car which proceeds to drag him for miles over dusty, rock roads.
By some miracle, our friend realizes he is at last in the very town as the diner he seeks. Letting go of the car's bumper, he tumbles to the gutter and slowly, painfully drags himself through the door of his destination.
Seeing the old man very near death, a waiter rushes over. "Sir!" he calls. "Can I help you?"
With the last of his strength, the old man whispers, "Please. I've come so far. I just need one slice of your cherry pie."
"I'm so sorry, sir" says the waiter. "We're all out of cherry pie."

"Eh, I'll have peach."

you wouldnt tip a hooker, so she probably thinks the tip is a mistake

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A man walks into a cafe and tells the waiter he would like a coffee without cream.

The waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, we're all out of cream. Can I get you a coffee without milk?"

never thought about it that way. i guess that makes sense, but it requires the audience of the joke to know that a hooker wouldn't expect a tip. personally, i would have thought it would be common to tip a hooker.

I'm only poor because money is expensive, which is also why I work: to buy money that I can't afford.

I'm thinking of being a comedian, in order to do so, I have to not be funny and to take up a day job, one of which I'm good at: not being funny.

You know why a girl's holes are so close together?
So you can carry'em like a six-pack of beer

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field

A son asks his father, "What does gay mean?"
>It means happy, son.
"Does that mean you're gay?"
>No, son. I have a wife.

>money is expensive

actually there are historically low interest rates right now, especially in Japan and Europe

wtf is water ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

...

A black Jewish kid comes home from school and asks his dad: "Daddy, am I more black or more Jewish?" His dad answers "I don't know, why?" The kid replies: "There's a kid at school who's selling his bike for $40 and I want to know whether I should talk him down to $20 or just steal it."

it's actually part of my humor.

An old Croatian man and a black guy are waiting for a train. The old man looks at a mountain in the distance, covered in snow.
He says to the black guy: "Looks like it's gonna snow."
The black guy angrily shouts: "Who you callin a bitch ass nigga??" and beats up the old guy.

It's a hilarious joke but it doesn't make sense translated to English :/

Napisi na hrvatskom?

Starac kaže crncu: "Biće sniga"

Dobra ahhahaha

I don't speak Croatian but I can still get the joke.

this such a terrible joke, god.

GAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Youre one crazy white motherfucker
How do you know
I counted

Was macht ein Bäcker ohne Arme und Beine? Rumkugeln.

Q: A Korean family of four is found dead in their apartment. The night before, they locked all the doors and shut all the windows; there were no signs of breaking and entry. How did they die?

A: Somone left the fan on! :OOO

Literally have No Love on right now, spooky

BURSTAAK!!!!!
JEJEJEJEJEJEJEJEJ

>Asians

I actually do not get it.

Because they look like shit?

This is water

I giggled

No wonder this board is so depressing, y'all are unfunny as fuck.

Are you supposed to end every joke with credits? They are supposed to be shared and retold. Or do you assume everyone who's ever told you a joke made it up themselves?

You might actually be autistic, my dude.

Stop pretending to be a nigger

only good joke in this thread desu

DESU~~~

Fuck you. I'm not white you literal human waste.

Can you recall why you're retarded?

*in seinfeld voice*

what's the deal with redditors? it's like they go into a restaurant, something like "la Veeky Forums," take a good long look at the menu, call the chef over and say "yeah i'm gonna need you to change the menu for everybody on here to suit my needs"

*bass riff*

I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the belt same outfits, so I yelled to over to them:

"Hey faggots did you plan that?"

Anyways, they arrested me.

The Kingkiller Chronicles will have a happy ending.

I laughed

ok i laughed but i clearly shouldn't have

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Alther
Water who?
Water who who?
Who who?
Arton and out on the moor?

There's a superstition in Korea that if you leave an electronic fan on too long, it'll suck all the oxygen out of the room.

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Iane
Aatar who?
Aaane who?
Aan who?
Anac who?
Iobe who?
Irata who?

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Bool
Hane who?
Scheres are then the there

Ayyy

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Alec
Anic who?
Wow co poo the tho tho door to the soout oo ooo oooo ooo oo oo oo oo ooo oo oo oo ooo ooo oooo ooo ooo oo oo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo oo oo ooo ooo ooo ooo oo oo oo ooo ooo ooo ooo…

Koo k
ano?
?
Khnck
Knock oae?t
rA noc?
Knock
Woock
Whecr
lwhot
h o nwoe
hio

The tip was already built into the basic price for the hooker's services. And the leper thought she might give it to him because of his condition. He was mistaken of course because the hooker had no intention of giving him any of his money back and she thought the leper and his people to be fools.

I always bust a gut when I hear this joke.

they might if they were a leper and the tip of their penis fell off

Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

>How many feminists does it take it screw in a light bulb?

12

One to screw it in

One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination

One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination

One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like"

One to deconstruct the light bulb itself as being phallic

One to blame men for not changing the bulb

One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it

One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs

One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs

One to advocate that light bulb changers should have wage parity with electricians

One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men

And one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary